who gives a damn if we lose the war?

     “Yep!”

     Luka leaned toward Corbin, batting their eyelashes, “And first love.”

    “Yes!”

    “Because you love me and I love you.” Luka looked at Corbin with faux doe-eyes, “You’re my first, big guy.”

   “Your first what?”

     “You done with me for the night?”

     “Or you wanna try playing a game or two?”

     “Okay, okay. You’re right.”

     “Well… guess I’m just gonna have to find out how fucked I am.”

     “Even if you felt… I don’t even know how to explain it.”

      “Like I said, something you never felt before. Like… am I supposed to back away from that? What if I think about it forever?” Luka shrugged, sighing heavily as he leaned against the kitchen island, “Guess we can’t all be as stable as good ol’… what the fuck did they call you?” He swiped the air with his hand, “Whatever. Sorry to disappoint, I guess.”

   “Don’t do that. I told you, I don’t know.”

     “I know, alright? You’re thinking… he’s a Toy Soldier. He’s a killer. He’s a bad person and that much is obvious. Whatever I’m feeling about him makes that moot, right? Something along those lines?”

     “What would you do if you were me? Like… if it’d been your ex or some shit. Seriously.”

   “I don’t know.”

     “I know I feel a certain way about him and it’s different from what I’ve felt for anyone else. So… I don’t know?”

     “Not like I have a bunch of experience when it comes to romantic feelings and relationships.”

     Luka couldn’t help but laugh, nodding as the doors slid open and he had to use a key to get in through the final set of doors. “I know. I wasn’t being serious on the criminal thing and I thought it was pretty obvious what I meant by that.” 

     He moved through the penthouse as he spoke, tossing the paper cup into a bin under the sink in the kitchen before fetching a new glass for some water. “I don’t think I really need to elaborate on that.” Rapists. Murderers. And not the kind who did it out of necessity for business, but for pleasure. No code of conduct, no morality, no line they couldn’t cross. “Yeah, Julian might kill me if he was asked to do it and the pay-out was good, but that’s just as likely of happening without fucking him. Anyone who finds out who I am can choose to make me a target, and I’m already a target of some people, they just don’t know my real name or face. He’s not gonna just kill me out of the blue one day. If anything, it’s his buddies who’ll probably do that first.”       If he had to guess, it’d be Queenie. Arin was scarier at face value, but Julian’s best friend had something more sinister slithering under the surface, and every time he’d been around her, part of him had been waiting for the inevitable weapon in his face — if he’d even get the chance to see it before he was dead. He couldn’t put a finger on what it was exactly, but Luka felt the less time spent around her, the better. “Still seems like seeing if it could be an actual… thing is worth the risk. So! He’s not the worst kind of degenerate fuckhead? Better?” He flashed Corbin a smile, offering him a glass of water as well.

   “No…” Corbin accepted the water, but set it down on the counter next to him.

     They strolled toward the elevator, Luka punching the button with two fingers before stepping back and glancing at Corbin. “Well, Julian and my social lives are also mostly separate. And I know, she wasn’t Julian. Still…”

     “What if this is it?” The elevator arrived and Luka stepped inside, waiting for his friend before he laid his thumb against the PH button, waiting for it to read his print before it lit up green, the doors sliding shut before it spurred into movement. “What if he’s it, you know? What if this is my greatest fucking…” He rolled his eyes, twirling his fingers in the air before he took a drink of his coffee, which had gone cold, “Romance story crap? Like no one else is ever gonna make me feel like this and I’m debating throwing it away because he’s— he’s not the worst kind of criminal.”

   “Wait.”

     “I can feel your judgmental disappointment through your skull.”

     “You can’t tell me you’ve never made a bad relationship decision.” Luka threw his hands up, turning to unlock the door into his apartment building, “And alright, so it probably wasn’t life threatening but… really… how can we even guess? There was already drug dealer husbands floating around that we couldn’t exactly avoid. As I remember… your ex was pretty comfortable with Julian’s partner.”

   “I’ve done my best to. And I’ve made my stance on him clear; just not to you, seeing as you’re neither married to him nor spending time with him.”

     “Fair.”

     “I’ll try to avoid him.” Luka sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose, “It’s not like I don’t know who he is. I do. Like I said… I’m just… really attracted to him. It turns out I’m a lot weaker in that arena than I thought.”

     “I know you want me to say I’ll never see him again but I can’t promise that because… like I said, I like him. If you’re gonna ask me for any more logic, I don’t have it. I just do.”

     “I don’t know. Then I guess he fucks me up?”

     “Though I think it’s more his style to just ghost me altogether. I’m not the one who tried to insert myself into his life and pretend I’m someone I’m not. But you’re right, I’d be better off putting my energy into someone else. Probably a fuck ton safer.”

     “Honestly?”

     “I assume he’ll ghost me. I don’t try to get involved in other parts of his life.”

   “Luka, I’m serious.”

     “You would. And it should. It does…”

     “I think he likes me too.”

     “So… you’re right. So… I also have feelings which are probably going to make doing whatever the right thing is extremely difficult.”