Welcome to the Kitchen

This British pig always wanted to be eaten and got in touch with me to get added to the list. While I'm into lean meat, too, I could Immediately tell after the initial inspection that he needed to put on weight to meet his true potential.

He sent that message out to all his friends on Snapchat, before sending me a private message: "If only they knew ;)"

I snapped this photo of my bud after he invited me to dinner. We roasted up a delicious Japanese boy who flew all the way to Texas to live out his dream of being cooked alive and eaten. We gorged ourselves on that Okinawa Agu then settled in to relax. His two remaining pigs - brothers who approached him together - were more than happy to give him a belly rub, each no doubt dreaming of being digested just like their friend.

This elite team are going on a dangerous mission to track down a terrorist cell somewhere in the desert. For stealth purposes they're going in on foot, trekking for weeks through the desert. It could take them a long time to find what they're looking for, and they risk running out of food.

So they came up with an elegant solution: hire a longpig.

This fat boy is being fed up like Hansel, just in case the worst happens and they need to eat on their mission. The man feeding him right now used to be a michelin star chef, and although he hopes it doesn't come to it, he knows exactly how to make this pork taste delicious.

Hell, sometimes you have to seduce your pork. When you know he has a lot of people's attention, you have to do whatever it takes to get his attention.

Luckily, the hog's always wanted to visit Thailand, and I just so happen to own a villa in Phuket. I've promised him a whole month relaxing by the beach - not to mention joining me for dinner, the local cuisine is fantastic ;) - before he gets what he deserves.

I started following him through the store, and I snapped that first pic to post on my tumblr feed. Is it cocky? Sure! Once I set my sights on my prey, they're basically pork already.

So you add a few things to your list. Stuffing ingredients, stuff for side dishes, occasionally glancing at that first pic to help you make decisions about what will bring out the flavors of this specific boy - after all, every pig has its own subtly different, delicious flavour.

And then he turns to me, exposing that big, juicy belly.

"Hey, Chef. Big fan of your work."

Look at that cocky look in his eye. He knows he's Grade A Pork, and apparently he knows his place, too: in my stomach.

It turns out, he has some thoughts about my stuffing choices. It was a big turn on for him to play a part in every step of the process, right down to choosing the ingredients that'll make that pork sing. I can tell I had a real gourmand pig when he requested a Coca Cola glaze and a sweet, fruity stuffing. He teased me the entire time, knowing how badly I wanted to carve into that pork.

We got back to my place and I can tell he was impatient - after all, fasting is no fun, no matter how important it is for meat quality, if you have the chance. Luckily, he has naturally big oysters, and he was more than happy to slice them off and prepare them for me.

I swear, it's rare to find a pig this eager to become pork. He was almost fucking himself on the spit, and he was delighted when my method meant he could experience cooking for a nice long while. And let me tell you, he was totally right about the ingredients he picked.

This longpig has been desperate to end up in my clutches for a long time, but things have a way of not working out. After all, every boypig dreams of getting cooked up by a real gourmand, who'll bring out the very best of their meat, so I have a waiting list that just keeps getting longer and longer.

Still, we kept in touch, I monitored his diet, made sure he fattened up in a way that would make him tender and delicious.

Still, never underestimate a determined longpig. I was having a vacation in Mexico and look who turns up at my villa? He hasn't eaten in three days, drunk nothing but beer, prepared the stuffing, glaze, and side dishes ready to slide in the oven, and even prepared a barbeque pit and sourced a spit sturdy enough for his pork, so what excuse do I have not to spitroast this hog? It definitely saves me the time and effort of sourcing a local pig. There's nothing worse than cooking up some pig and then finding a Grade A hog three days later, especially when you're away from your hunting grounds. Either you butcher that pig when he deserves a live roast, let him go, or risk some other chef getting their hands on him. This porkboy's Grade A for sure, which means I get to focus my attention on relaxing by the beach with a good book. Will I miss the local cuisine? Sure, but there's always next year.

At Cooper's Kitchen Inc. we're proud to be on the forefront of this emerging market. We're currently working on a range of ovens that double as cloning machines. As the pig cooks, a DNA sample is taken and within hours, you have a brand new longpig ready to cook. We're confident that this high tech equipment will let chefs experience their favorite pigs over and over again. It may also convince those more reluctant pigboys to become porkboys - after all, not all you chefs are as cruel as I am ;) Of course, I always make a point to test the latest tech personally. This boypig is one who definitely took some convincing. Eager enough to get gelded and fattened, but going through with his fantasy is a step too far. When I told him about the new technology, he was eager to give it a try. Here he is, ready to stuff and glaze before he tries it out.

Josh Hutcherson has been piling on the pounds lately, and what do you know, he's turning into quite the blue ribbon piggy.

Even better, now that he's finished filming The Hunger Games and Future Man, it looks like his schedule has opened up for new projects. His future role as pork is sure to be the most physically demanding one of his life, but luckily it's not like he needs a strict exercise regime. In fact, he just has to lie there let me do all the work. If anything, it makes it all the easier.

Sometimes, stumbling across the right blog is all it takes for someone's switch to flip.

This Hansel never saw himself as meat. I asked him if he'd ever thought of being meat when we first talked, but he said he was too busy eating and getting to fat to wonder why. Now, he knows it's because he was fattening himself up for a feast - and at 385 pounds of juicy, Grade A Pork, there's definitely a lot to feast on.

Even better, this hog comes pre-fattened. No need to feed him, or fatten him up - just harvest my favorite appetizers - his juicy oysters which were especially delicious - clean him out, stuff him, glaze him, and impale him on the spit.

I decided to do things a little differently with this Belgian hog. I found a recipe for a stuffing which included waffles and maple syrup online, and it was easy to make enough for this pig. He seemed to like the taste, too, stuffing his face with the mixture as I stuffed fistful after fistful of it up his ass. I went through six bowls of the stuff before he was ready.

After that I lovingly covered every pound with a maple-BBQ glaze and slid the spit in, nice and slow. Mmm, he squealed so deliciously. It's amazing how quickly, under the right circumstances, the desire to be eaten can overtake a longpig - and how quickly those desires can come to fruition.

His pork was delicious. I might need to start tracking down more Belgian pork - juicy, just the right amount of sweetness brought out by the glaze and stuffing, and fall off the bone tender. I feel like I ate fifty pounds of that juicy hog in one sitting, and still feel like I barely made a dent.

If you want to be eaten, just upload some photos, your stats, and how you want to go. For a chef, just put what you're interested in. Photos are less important for chefs, but appreciated - after all, the turn on for so many pigs is that they're going to be devoured, and not what their pred looks like. As soon as a prey boy changes his status to "On The Menu" us preds have a gentleman's agreement not to interfere.

So imagine the surprise of the users when one of the hottest twink preds switched his status to On The Menu. Unknown to them, delicious boy is one of those rare boys who sees himself as both predator and prey. His preference is to swallow his prey, whole and alive, streaming the whole thing as the bulge in his belly stops squirming then softens into pudge. I think I'll take him the same way; I may have a distinct preference for cooking my meal, but there's something to be said for gulping down a whole boypig, alive and wriggling.

Unfortunately for all this soon-to-be prey's fans, though, there's no way they'll be able to see him squirm in my fat belly, but I bet he's going to be fucking delicious.