Cool Guy Inc.

Hey guys, it’s me, The Simurgh. I’m here to answer a few frequently asked questions.

Q. Why are you killing us?

A. Because fuck you.

Q. What are you?

A. A puppet sent to kill you by David Eidolon Worm.

Q. How big are those zizziez

A. I killed the person who asked that question.

Miss Militia hiding in a corner: She calls her territory “Skitterville?”

Taylor: Fuck I said Skitterville out loud didn’t I?

Alec has been playing since it was called Cave Game, so he spends a lot of time explaining how it works and all that. Brian keeps asking “okay but what do you do?” And Alec has to explain that it’s a goddamn sandbox game and you can do whatever the fuck you want. Brian ends up just collecting resources and giving them away to whoever needs them because he needs a goal and likes the feeling of being able to provide even in Minecraft.

Lisa has more fun than she expects, but really she gets more enjoyment out of the streaming aspect. Because for Lisa, having thousands of live viewers in her chat ripe for mass manipulation is like being a kid in a candy store.

Rachel wouldn’t play, but if she did, she’d lag out the world by breeding too many wolves. Alec would try to kill the wolves to reduce lag, and Rachel would then try to kill Alec in real life.

Taylor would accidentally invent the most efficient and game breaking farms just by dicking around and trying to optimize her base. Over a decade down the line Minecraft players will still be using farms and methods based off of her playthrough.

Aisha similarly would innovate new technologies in Minecraft that would become classic staples, but her contributions would all be traps and griefing methods designed to cause as much chaos and despair as possible.

Alec: Ok.

Taylor’s Mind: God he sucks. But like in a useful way I guess. What a creep.

It had stopped snowing so she used flies to pick up little pieces of snow on the ground and dropped them over her little play.

She had a chorus of little bug singers that was shockingly pleasant to the ear

Halfway through Linus the Beetle’s speech about the meaning of Christmas, the Elite appear and Taylor uses little Linus to crawl into a man’s eyelids and cause permanent vision loss.

Every college speech class in America has a section dedicated to studying her “Arcadia address”

The PRT stopped letting her speak during her mandatory PR appearances because every time she gave a speech it resulted in large amounts of civil unrest.

Girl, you’re a Big Deal™. You can just hack into the PRT’s shit? And you “know things”? What the hell are you doing with the Undersiders? Seriously, she has the most dangerous power of all of them. The only one who comes close is Alec and that isnt revealed until way later.

Her first Endbringer fight she finds out the Endbringers were never human. AND their wacky density shit. AND the fact that they’re sandbagging. Girlie, you should be playing ball with the big boys, not robbing banks.

She’s seriously like the most effective Thinker out there. Especially since Accord comes packaged with Murder-OCD.

I was genuinely convinced Wildbow would kill her off at some point because her power is just that fucking nutty. The fucking bullshit she pulls off with the Simurgh is insane. There is not one other person that could have done that.

So here you have one of the top Thinkers in the world hanging out with what amounts to a bunch of dorks with gimmicks. It’s like if Shohei Ohtani was just another member of your highschool baseball team.

Shatterbird: Like, zoinks, Jack! We’d better get going!

Nightmarish Horror Beast Bonesaw Made From 3 Apples And A Two By Four: I am the ultimate evil. Complete with hot and cold running water.

Mannequin: Oh my god. This is my life now. What wrathful god did I offend to deserve this. Every second I spend alive on this godforsaken planet is a second wasted in agony. Every time I think that my hatred cannot possibly surpass itself, that it cannot possibly grow to a new extreme, I am proven wrong. Burn. Burn, all of you.

Miss Militia: *in the break room about to put some bread in the toaster*

Armsmaster: *takes slice of bread, clasps it in both hands for 3 seconds, hands it back perfectly toasted and somehow buttered*

And everyone just goes on as normal because he’s been doing this for over a decade. Sometimes Assault will try to manufacture little situations himself just to see if Armsy has a solution for it.

Assault: Darn, i dropped these very important documents into this incredibly thin slot between the industrial printer and the wall.

MildInconvenienceMaster: *holds out tool tailor made to get small or thin things out of similarly small or thin crevices. Assault will go on to use this whenever his phone slides between his bed and wall at home.*

Everyone sort of silently encourages it because theres been a few times over the years where his Perfect-Slice-of-Toast-In-Under-Three-Seconds Gauntlets have come in clutch and genuinely saved hundreds of lives.