Internet Cookiez

Why.

Just why.

why do i keep returning to your doorstep, oreo? 

what do you have this time that wasn't like last?

OHHHH WAIT WHAT!!! LIMEADE (flavor creme) OREO???!!!

ding dong.

come on. are you gunna make me knock?!

hi,

long time no eat review. long time no cavity. long time N'oreo

its hot out here. summer is in the air and armpits. i need to cool this hot sauce mouth off with a tall cool glass of limeade flavor oreo creme. coat my corn on the cob colored teeth with your toxic waste-esque green resin.

Nothing. Cools. It. Off. like a chemical cookie.

Can you say "unbleached enriched flour" without thinking ICE BATH. Can you say "reduced iron" without thinking REDUCED IRON?

chill my bones, oreo. 

stack em 10 tall and suck em down with that human straw we call "throat".

i like it when a food item simultaneously incorporates these elements on its packaging: limeade + sandwich +flavor creme  + limited edition  + image of tall glass of green drink + cookie + straw + lime wedge + easy open pull tab.

what exactly do you think you're getting into with those mixed messages?

you guessed it! SHIT COOKIE.

comeon'oreo. i like how processed food never goes out of season but does seasonly change its marketing to reflect the outside world that you witness through a window or facebook (instagram) feed. i will never know it's christmas without you oreo marketing.

in short: i deserve you oreo. we deserve each other.

-Glooty D

I wanna be down with you Marshmallow Crispy Oreos but it's so hard when you play hard to get. 

Two states and one new york city later, I found you in a Reston,VA Target on a lonely end cap and so began our beginning. 

I went into this expecting you to taste like, idk...a marshmallow treat ...but who am i kidding. At the end of the day, you are part of the Oreo clan and thus taste illegally sweet. I think that is the actual flavor of all Oreos: "Illegally sweet". Oreo package's change color, new 'flavor' words entice the literate, and marketing squads dazzle the easily marketed to capitalist consumer (me)---but you will never be anything but disgustingly sweet.

Okay, there was that time when i first bit into you that I found your little crunch pellets that are supposed to validate your "crispy" title. But they were so small and so few and far between that i thought the crunch was a mistake. A mistake. A mistake! You were a mistake, and I'm not afraid to admit that now. 

Maybe the mistake was creating this review. Thinking I could actually review another oreo variation and find something new to say. TOO SWEET. I REPEAT. TOO SWEET. Im not built for you america. 

-Glooty D 

So let's talk about this situation before you just go ahead and accept it.

Berry Blast Oreos

Triple Decker Oreos

Pure Heroine

BANGERZ

Those are the ground rules--- and how you play the game is now up to you.

Have you won yet? Not everyone does. Especially you. 

May i offer you a bite of the consolation prize? The public knows them as Berry Blast Oreos, but I call them siq pink dinks.

Use your tongue to eat these cookies. Wrap that wet pink muscle around that pink processed cream and pull. Lick. Hopefully a string of cloudy saliva will stretch from your bottom lip to the the cookie parts. Slobber.

My sweet cookie diction is exhausted from trying to describe flavors that are nothing but brain numbing and probably toxic levels of sweet. Every time I a try a new oreo or other crap mass produced USA cookie classic all i can really say is the same things over and over again: "that's really sweet". "I think it may even hurt a little?" "I kind of feel like throwing up"."you get used to it after 10 cookies" "Now i dont need to eat dinner"

If there is a common theme to pull this entire blog together, it's that USA mass produced cookies are sugar licks, sugar is poison, and sugar is a truly addictive substance not yet recognized by the DEA.

ALSO, I have no idea where/what/how the oreo name came into being. If anyone can find a definitive answer, then please tell me. Right now, i assume it means "MARKETING PLOY" in latin.

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 You cant judge a cookie by its marketing, but you can eat a cookie and talk shit about it on the internet b/c cookies have close to no eyes and i have a malicious disposition which manifests itself into a bitching cookie blog and chronic anger. Shut up, cookie. You give me no pleasure.

 You are a utilitarian pepto pink sack half full of somethings that are masquerading around Rite-Aid as a cookie product.

  First of all, don't go shopping for cookies at a Rite-Aid.

Second of all, if you are caught in a rain storm and neeeeeeed to buy cookies and a Rite-Aid is the only option, then go to a Rite-Aid and buy cookies.

  As your dripping wet shirt clings to your abdomen lumps, and your rain soaked shoes squeak your every move to the wandering store clerk--you will eventually come upon the famed Rite-Aid cookie isle.

From there I say, good luck.

  You have three options:

1)Buy oreos. (hell no. not again.)

2) Buy a pink plastic  bag of " Fully Frosted Iced Animal Cookies" (via the Rite-Aid Pantry)

3)Resign your duties as the most prominent yet obscure internet cookie blogger and delve into sampling niche quiches.

4)I want more options.

5)No.

6)Okay fine.

7)Really?

8) Whatever.

  Whatever you choose, remember this: "Fully Frosted Animal Cookies" via the rite-aid pantry taste like a wad numbness. like a clump of wet sand. like a don't buy it.

  -Gloody D

And we're back....

Have you ever woken up from a high-fucktose corn syrup coma and thought...how will I ever cleanse my delicate baby pink tongue and lower my blood sugar levels to pre-diabetic/future sex/ love sounds levels? As long as you've got your suit and tie--then stroll on over to your local Danish wedding and eat a truly magical cookie aptly named: Danish Wedding Cookie.

Fingers, do you take this cookie to be your  mouths next bite?

I do. And Lindsey, do you promise to stop writing dumb, superfluous, and unnecessarily eccentric reviews of baked goods?

NEVVVVERRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!

LONG LIVE THE DANISH WEDDING COOKIE!!!!!!

A WONDERFULLY CRUNCHY, TASTEFULLY COMPLEX, SUGAR DUSTED DELIGHT. I DEDICATE THIS TO YOU, D.W.C.

Dear cookie,

I crushed you, and you became crumbs.

Imma lick you...with my tongue.

Mastication.

Lets get it on.

Danish Wedding Cookie.

You're my chew. hashtag cud.

Z.o.m.g. it’s that time of year again. Where you buy super special oreos at exclusive stores and then eat them alone in a corner and then wake up in your own spit puddle with eye-crust-crystals the size of pacific ocean sea salt. The classic oreo experience, no? Well, this is next level limited edition classic…this is CANDY CORN OREOS. The confounding complexity of this product demands and deserves a two part post…so this is not the last you will hear from us about these german engineered/ don draper ad campaigned/ americana wet dream/ and an out of your right mind culinary experience.

 Let me begin with the entire premise of this machine made beauty. A soggy brain, somewhere in america, accidentally fires an electrical charge across two pink weeny sized synapses and thus joins the two concepts of “candy corn” and “marketing ploy”. On the 7th day, this brain dies from cardiac arrest.

It’s hard to say which side made out better through this sugar cane arranged marriage—but I kindahave to say…it gives candy corn the creditability it lacks as a food, and oreos a trashy, late night, coke off the bathroom floor kind of playfulness it usually cant indulge in while having to be the classic black and white cookie america expects. A true win win for both corporations…but what about YOUR MOUTH?

Crack open that head slit you call a mouth, stick your tongue out, and say AAAAAAAAAAAAAAMEN. If the pooling spit starts to spill over your bottom lip, then you have salivated for the proper amount of time and can now place a Candy Corn Oreo into your weeping buccal cavity.

To be continued…

Chips Ahoy Halloween Cookies  are so unimpressive in every manner that they should be classified as some kind of "pseudo baked good" which simply exist to elude to some long forgotten and mythical human creation once known as...a cookie. Taste? Did it even have any? Did I even need to put it in my mouth? I could have just looked at it and had the same experience. Holiday flare? I think that's an orange fleck of some type of edible Styrofoam that is the size of a single mouse turd??? Nothing screams Halloween like a tiny orange stunt mouse turd. If you like these cookies, then I would recommend another Chips Ahoy cookie flavor called 3 parts fart dust, 2 parts sand, and all parts MARKETING SCAM

There are a lot of fucking cookies. We are going to taste and write reviews of all weird ones while we make a feature film on the side.

Meet the head researchers (in order of appearance): Jonathan Sweet Lips, Matthew Honey Tongue, Lindsey Discernible Gluten Free Palate aka "Glooty D".

We promise thoughtful, articulate, and semi-coherent reviews of all the special edition/ unorthodox/ combo-flavored cookies you're too afraid and busy to buy.

Join us and expand your cookiemind.

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