Silence is Golden

we’ll miss ur sweet ass

I’m not coming back to Citta. Feel free to unfollow accordingly.

“This gift is very her,” Simon mumbles as he takes one of the Blu-rays out of the package. A cheesy clip show wasn’t his idea of the perfect gift, but he was surprised that Maya thought of him during the holiday season when they hadn’t interacted often outside of work.

For once, knowing he was in people’s thoughts was starting to feel nice.

@convictedfeathers

Even if you aren’t a person tailored for fancy galas and never have been, this ball and its dressings are lovely and you’re glad you came. The only problem you’ve had this evening is the overall climate, something that seems to persist even indoors. Your weakness to ice is once again proving to be a highly exploitable one as well as a bitch.

After weaving your way through the crowd in the main hall, you wordlessly wrap your lone arm around your date from behind and cling on tight like a limpet. Resting your chin on Simon’s shoulder, you grunt/mumble an explanation for your theft of his body heat.

“–’m cold.”

For most of the night, Simon occupied himself with snacks and drinks, distancing himself from the overbearing crowd. There was hardly anything else he could do by himself that wasn’t completely humiliating, and there were only one or two other people he knew at the event. Sometimes he wished he had the ability to connect with others in the same way Rosa could, but for now his only other companion, in Taka’s stead, was a plate of hors d'oeuvres.

Rosa eventually returned, but when Simon felt her cheek brush against his it was like cuddling up against an ice cube. He became acutely aware of just how cold the air was and joined in his date’s misery.

@convictedfeathers

“So you are here, Simon! I was just asking Rosa about you. You clean up pretty well, I have to say.”

“Well, I’ve been getting fewer dirty looks than usual, anyhow. Perhaps I just get lost in the crowd.”

“I could comment. I’m choosing not to.”

Tagged by: nobody Tagging: anybody

He sounds a lot like you.

He has before, but not to this level. That by itself stings more than any other crime of which he’s convicted himself. You’ve known for quite a while about this psychic prison that he’s been building, only now you can clearly hear the rattle of its iron bars. But you’re both equally stubborn. You’ve come to love this man, no matter how undeserving of it he might think he is right now, and you’re not going to let him shoulder any further sentences that he doesn’t deserve.

“… then will you let me help you? Will you listen to me a little?”

Simon says he wants honesty– you’ll give it to him. Though you’ve often been inclined to give him a hard time, lying would be something unthinkable. You take one of his hands in yours.

“I’ve never wanted you to be some unbreakable shield for me. Simon… you’ve seen my life. You’ve been me. You know exactly how impossible that job would be and I’d be the last person in the world to squeeze you into that box, but you just keep climbing back in. You want to know what actually hurts me? It’s when you bring the axe down on yourself whenever you think you’re falling short. If you really want to make that change, you’ve got to learn that you’re not breaking any sort of blood oath by choosing yourself first once in a while.”

It’s been a great deal of time since Athena was sent home from this city, but you want to think that if she were present now she’d be in agreement. Hadn’t she become a lawyer, sought him out to save him from that exact line of thinking? While selflessness and a sense of responsibility were both virtues he’d cranked them to eleven, fashioned them into a deadly steel trap and Athena had made it abundantly clear that she wouldn’t have it. Neither will you.

You meet his eye, firm in your foundation with your feet dug in.

“What makes you think you’re not allowed to make mistakes? That’s just too cruel.”

Simon firmly squeezed her hand, his entire body tensing at the question Rosa posed.

“When I allowed myself to make a mistake...”

Though he tried to keep his focus on Rosa, he could still see Metis staring him down with contempt. Though that chapter of his life ended years ago, chances were that image wouldn’t leave him for as long as he lived. Even now he could feel the anguish of that day flooding back. Everyone closed the book on that case years ago, but Simon always dusted it off the shelf and pried it open in spite of himself.

He wished to convey his feelings into words, but they never came out. Instead, he exhaled a breath he was holding in.

Rosa felt the exact same way. He knew it. Every since he stole a taste of her unrelenting remorse, all he had wanted to do since was eradicate it. Yet there was no scrubbing away that trauma...to even try was a fool’s errand. Instead of pretending all this heartache could be erased, he should’ve accepted it. It was something neither of them could control - something they shouldn’t deal with alone.

“I know...I can’t shoulder this burden by myself. Rosa, promise me you’ll take your own advice. You and I...we’re far too alike, but it’s a comfort knowing such a kindred spirit. In its own twisted sense.”

In that moment, Simon pulled Rosa into his embrace.

You’re struck silent for a long moment, where again a second could pass for an hour.

Simon’s words are clear cut and there’s little mystery to his tale, but you’re still left navigating it like it’s some thick fog. You’ve been mired in this feeling, this uncertainty before that’s rocked you at your core and its chokehold on your lungs is familiar. The difference this time, however, is that you have a beacon.

Finally, you nod.

“… yes. I can. I understand, Simon.”

And you truly, honestly do. If that had been you there on that roof, and his choice between you and Athena had been of a more permanent consequence, you can admit to yourself that you would’ve wanted that same outcome. Maybe you can tell him that when more of your words have come back. The overall why to it is clear, but the deeper reasons are clawing their way into the light. They’re a little out of focus, but beyond that they’re solid and real.

Something more is bothering you too, like a Joltik digging its mandibles into the back of your neck without rest. Does he really believe all he’s done is cause you pain? “You don’t know that, Simon. I don’t think you know just how much you’ve given me.”

“…I was hoping you wouldn’t.”

Rosa’s words should have been a comfort, but they did little to mitigate Simon’s guilt. Words of scorn and hatred were what he desired - what retribution he felt he deserved. Yet this was still the expected outcome. He knew that if the tables were flipped he would have accepted her choice. This cycle of self-sacrifice was unending, and tiresome.

Simon came to an epiphany that night. The prosecutor tried over the past decade to be a faithful ally to those worth protecting, yet failed shamefully at every corner. The reason is simple. As a person, he was weak. Though he tried fighting battles on his own, he lacked the fortitude to do so. All he’d accomplished was extending his misery to others. He shouldered everyone’s problems without ever once reflecting on his own.

Although Simon championed Rosa’s resilience and strength, he still saw her as something to guard rather than as an equal. He unwittingly treated her as an icon rather than actual person. Athena was no different. When she needed him to be a friend – to be her family – he only projected his frustration in himself onto her. The loneliness she must’ve felt then Simon could only imagine.

“The greatest disservice you could bestow me is seeing me as infallible. If I’ve given you hope in the same way you’ve done for me, I’m thrilled. Truly. But I valued another’s life over yours. That is deplorable, no matter what the situation called for. Both you and Athena deserve a full life devoid of strife, and I know I’ve caused both of you worry and guilt.”