BIPOLAR CONVERSATIONS

FELICITY: Question of the day: do you have any worries?

ANJA: Sometimes I feel like I...won’t have a good future? Like I’ll not end up getting into college for some reason, like we won’t be able to afford it or something, and I’ll just end up getting a bad job that I don’t want and then I’ll be unhappy for the rest of my life. You know. It’s just a thing.

F: I get that. You’re very much like me. You worry too early. Because there’s nothing you can do about that right now.

A: Yeah, I have a good five years.

F: You have a good five years. Maybe. Hopefully you’ll graduate early.

F: I understand that’s a general worry, but do you have any worries right now about things going on in your life?

A: Since we talked to the doctor, and she said I’m at risk of having to take insulin. I’m really afraid of that, because it like destroys your kidneys later on in life, and stuff like that. I don’t want to do that. Also, I don’t want to be on insulin, just because I don’t want to be on insulin.

FELICITY: Question of the day: when you can’t sleep at night, what do you think about?

ANJA: I see...everybody posting and talking about how they think about embarrassing moments when they go to bed, but really my mind is too clouded with the paranoia. I’m just thinking, “Oh my god, is there someone at the foot of my bed?” “Oh god, is there something behind me?” Stuff like that. 

F: Wow. So that’s what you think about when you can’t sleep? 

A: Yeah.

FELICITY: So. Welcome home.

ANJA: Yes.

F: Are you glad to be home?

A: Yeah. Very.

F: That was a long time at your dad’s this time. Did you have a good time?

A: I did.

F: Want to cheers our sugar free fudge pops?

A: Yes.

F; Your dad and I used to cheers our food. One time, at our rehearsal dinner for our wedding, we cheers-ed our hamburgers and my aunt yelled out, “I’ve never seen that before in my life!” It was kind of funny, but anyway. I’m glad you’re home.

F: So, we’re not going to play catch-up. We missed four questions and one topic. Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday. That’s too much to catch up on.

F: Tonight’s topic is “Living with mentally ill family.” I picked that topic.

F: So, what is your experience growing up with mentally ill family?

A: I’m going to say this again: your mental illness hasn’t affected me that much.

F: Except my irritability.

A: True. True.

F: The majority of my family is undiagnosed. It runs pretty deep, ranging from severe psychotic bipolar disorder to depression to OCD. My paternal side, especially. Ninety-nine percent of it undiagnosed, but it has caused a lot of painful memories, and an unpleasant childhood. For me, the worst part about that is denial.The fact that some people, not going to name names, but some people deny that the bad stuff happened. To them, life was great and normal.

A: It’s probably because for them, it was another day in the life.

F: It’s also because mental illness comes with delusions. They have delusions that everything was great. But even when I was small, I knew it wasn’t. And now that I look back on it, I know it definitely wasn’t, and it screwed me up for a long time.

F: Still, somehow, finding out you had a mental illness shocked me! It shouldn’t have, but it did. I can look at almost every family member on that side, and know that they all have something going on. Even down to me, and my brother, we both have something going on.

F: So, my experience growing up with mentally ill parent or parents. What’s the word I’m looking for? Traumatic? Like what you told me one time, what is it? CPTSD?

A: Yeah. Complex PTSD.

F: Complex PTSD. Yeah. I definitely think that’s something. There was never money. When there was money, there was wild spending. There wasn’t money because there was wild spending. We never had a stable place to live.

A: You can relate to that in two different experiences.

F: I can relate in many different ways.

F: We didn’t have a place to live sometimes. Everything was always somebody else’s fault. Vacations were taken when rent should’ve been paid. We came home from vacation to eviction notices. There was a lot of instability. There was a lot of anger. There was a lot of instability in mood. I never knew. I would walk home from school and see the car in the driveway and be terrified because I didn’t know what I was walking in to. Was it going to be fine? Or was it going to be traumatic? The moods were all over the place. I didn’t know.

F: I feel like it wasn’t just that, though. On the other side of my family, my other parent used their illness to slowly kill themselves. Death by installment plan. There was instability there. Definitely, when someone uses their physical illness to try to end their life, that is mentally unwell. Putting a 13-14 year old in the position of taking care of a grown adult because they were purposefully neglecting their health is pretty shitty. So, there were a lot of factors in my childhood that made growing up with mentally ill parents very very unpleasant.

A: You having depression, I don’t think it’s affected me negatively that much. If anything, we can relate, because you know how to deal with things in a healthy way. You know how to cope healthily. You know what’s going on when I’m in a depressive phase. We almost bond over it.It’s weird.

F: We bond over weird things sometimes. Like, mental health. I don’t feel like I cope with my mental illness in a healthy way. Which, is why I weigh as much as I do.

A: Yeah. True.

F: I have terrible coping mechanisms. Granted, it could be worse, but it’s still not healthy. But I do want to teach you how to cope in a healthy way. I feel like I’ve passed the food addiction trait on to you, though.

A: You have, which, is why I weigh as much as I do.

F: Partially. Your bipolar meds aren’t helping any.

A: I don’t use it as a coping mechanism. I just love food. Unless it’s an unconscious thing. I don’t even know. I don’t think I have anything to cope with, really. I mean, my bipolar is just there. It’s like, it does affect me negatively, but how do you cope with that? It’s just anger and then it’s over. There’s nothing to cope with.

F: I guess it’s at this point, I feel good that I haven’t traumatized you into needing unhealthy coping tools.

F; Do you eat when you’re angry? Do you have the urge to eat then?

A: No. Not at all. I’m repulsed by food when I’m angry. I have the urge to eat when I’m bored.

F: That’s a lot of people. I never thought about it like that. I turn to food for every single thing. Happy. Sad. Angry. Celebrating. Anything.

A: When I’m angry I’m thinking about not being angry. I’m thinking about fighting with you to get you to see my side. It’s either you or the boys that make me angry. Mostly you. I don’t even end up making that argument, it just passes.

F: You don’t eat to stop being angry.

A: I don’t. I lose my appetite.

F; We’ll have to talk about coping mechanisms in another topic. Where were we when we got off on that?

A; You coping healthily.

F; Yeah, I totally do not cope in a healthy way.

A: I never thought about you using eating as a coping mechanism.

F: Oh yeah. But I was raised that way. I was raised to fix everything with food. Food was the center of everything. You fix the good. You fix the bad. It doesn’t matter what it is, food is involved. I fully believe my parents are food addicts. I mean, I’ve been dieting since I was twelve. I started gaining weight when I was about eight years old, when some really real shit started going down and I used food to deal with it. So, I don’t think I cope healthily.

A: I feel like most of your aggression isn’t tied to your depression. You don’t seem very depressed. There’s aggression on a daily basis. Like, on a daily basis, you’ll get mad at me for stuff I don’t really understand. You get mad at me for getting frustrated, and I can’t really help it.

F; I will correct you and say, I don’t get mad at you for getting frustrated. I get mad at the way you act. I’m not even mad at you. You’re not going to be able to throw tantrums when you’re at your job or whatever, so you’re going to have to learn to control how you act. That’s all I’m doing. I hear what you’re saying, though.

F: Aggression is one hundred percent part of depression.

A: I know that aggression is a symptom of depression, but I don’t think you’re depressed every single day of your life.

F: Oh, no, I am. Totally. One hundred percent, I am.

A: That’s kind of sad.

F: Every single day. I always feel depression every single day. Even on medication.

A: So, there’s no, like, stability?

F: The stability is depression. It is always there. I used to tell your dad, when we were married, I don’t know what happiness feels like. I can imitate it, but I’ve never felt it.

A: I’m taking a big sip of my tea and trying to process this.

F: I thought you knew.

A: I didn’t know. I guess it’s true. I guess there’s not a time when you’re not affected by your mental illness, but for me, it’s either drastic mania or drastic depression or stability. I thought everybody with mental illness had that stability.

F: I feel depression every single day. That is my stability.

A: I guess I feel the effects of mania every day. Because my thoughts are never not racing. When I’m manic, they’re racing more, but I feel like other people’s thoughts move slower.

F: Mine do. That’s why I move slowly and talk slowly. My brain is moving slower than yours.

A: Do you think when I was younger and I had that stutter, it was because my brain was moving so much faster because of my mental illness? Everybody said it was because I was smart, but now, I don’t know.

F: It’s possible. I don’t know, because I don’t know anything about racing thoughts. I know you have them, but I don’t know what it’s like to have them. That is a symptom of some mental and behavioral issues, but I don’t have experience with it. I never have racing thoughts, ever.

F: My brain moves Oklahoma slow. No offense to any fellow Okies, but for real.

F: So, back on topic, the aggression and irritability I feel also comes from pretty severe anxiety. Which, since five years ago, I’ve been working my butt off to overcome.

A: Yeah, and you’ve gotten a lot better.

F: I’ve done, what’s it called? Exposure therapy? Putting myself in those positions that I was afraid of, and realizing they’re not as bad as I thought they’d be.

A: You’ve gotten yourself out of your comfort zone. And no one can get you out of your comfort zone except you. You should never be forced out of your comfort zone. Like, my friends are always trying to push me out of my comfort zone, but that’s not really their place.

F: Yeah, well, I forced myself out of my comfort zones and my anxiety has improved tremendously. But anxiety is still a huge source of aggression and irritability, and I know that the irritability affects you. You may not know when I’m super depressed or whatever.

A: It’s because you hide it.

F: Or maybe it’s what you’re used to.

A: You notice when I’m depressed, though.

F: I do. I see it in everybody. I’m so overly aware of everybody’s emotions.

A: It honesty sucks that I get mania way more than depression because I’d rather have depression than mania.

F: Why? [cringing]

A: Because when I’m manic...nevermind, It’s hard to explain.

F: I don’t know, I guess from a Major Depressive standpoint, depression fucking sucks

A: Depression fucking sucks, but it sucks less than mania.

F: I don’t know, having it every day and having it bog me down, sucks. You know better than I do, the two poles. I know one of them and I know how much I’ve suffered with it. I know self harm and suicide is a big factor in that one. I have experiences with those. It’s not an area that I want you or anybody else to experience.

A: I guess I live with mania everyday. That’s why I’m on an antipsychotic and not an antidepressant. Because the mania greatly overpowers the depression.

F: Definitely. That’s why you’re Bipolar 1. Because you are far more manic than you are depressed. From an MDD standpoint, I’d love to have some mania every once in a while. I feel like I’d have more energy. I’d get stuff done. I wouldn’t be trodding through the rain so much.

F: However, I do know that mania comes with a lot of risky behaviors. If I were to have bouts of mania, I’d probably be pretty broke. I’m pretty good with my money right now. And I probably wouldn’t have some of the relationships that I do. I feel like maybe because of my depression, or because of the childhood I had, I’m pretty empathetic towards other people, and people like that.

A: Compassion is one of the best traits you can have. There’s nothing better than a person who understands. Like, I would consider myself a compassionate person. I’m pretty understanding.

F: One thing that I envy about you though. You have compassion now that you’re medicated. You didn’t have compassion when you were younger and that broke my heart. I used to think you were a sociopath.

A: I think I was. Maybe I was a psychopath. For real.

F: Yeah, you had no compassion. You have compassion now. But, you don’t have...I feel like you have a healthy amount of empathy but you’re not an empath. Because being an empath is so overwhelming.

A: Isn’t that when you take on the emotions of other people? I do that sometimes.

F: I do that with every single person I come in contact with.

A: Fine. Prove your point.

F: Ha ha. That is my point. I mean, when a friend halfway across the world has a problem, I take it on as my own. When my parents were back and forth with their relationship, I took on their problems as my own. I’ve stressed myself out over other people’s issues. Hell, I can’t even watch clips of people falling or nut shots without literally feeling the pain for those people. Like, for real, my legs will hurt when I see someone fall.

A: Do you ever get second hand embarrassment?

F: Totally. But I have to talk myself through that.

A: I used to be so obsessed with Full House when I was like, seven? And remember even then that I’d have to hide my face when something embarrassing would happen. Do you get that?

F: Definitely, but I’ve gotten better about it. It’s not my embarrassment to carry.

A: We got way off topic.

F: Yes. So, get us back on topic.

A: So, my brother is bipolar like me.

F: Pretty much exactly like you.

A: I see a lot of myself in him. And I feel so bad for you guys when I was eight, cause I’m not even a caregiver and that’s still a lot to deal with.

F: Not only that, but you were a lot worse when you were eight. But that’s because we didn’t know what the hell was wrong with you.

A: There’s a lot of compassion you give him, because you know what he’s going through, and I feel so bad for this, but I find myself getting jealous. I feel like the whole experience would have been a lot better if you had given me that compassion.

F: True. But we didn’t know what was wrong with you.

A: Yeah. That’s understandable.

F: So, anyway, back on topic. Do you think you’ve been raised by one or two mentally ill parents?

A: Well, I feel like my father is probably not neurotypical. I’m sorry if you’re reading this, Dad, but I feel like there is some sort of mental illness going on with him.

A: There’s that...inconsistency. There definitely was a lot of instability, too. And, um, he’s still indecisive. He broke promises a lot.

F: Broke, or breaks?

A: He doesn’t break them a lot now, but he definitely did back in the day.

F: So, you think you’re being raised by a bunch of non-neurotypical people? Cause you’ve got me, primarily raising you, you’ve got your dad, your grandma lives here.

F: Do you know anybody that’s neurotypical?

A: I don’t think I’m friends with any neurotypical people.

F: What about relatives?

A: I don’t think I do, actually.

F: [laughing]

A: That’s really funny. I don’t know a neurotypical person. At least not in real life.

F: Yeah, I think everybody’s got some degree of something. Whether they admit to it or whether they believe it or not, everybody’s got a little something going on.

F: So, what kind of person do you think a child raised by non-neurotypical people turns into?

F: I know what typically comes of a person raised by mentally ill people that aren’t aware of it or aren’t taking care of it. Or are in denial. I know what happens there. What do you think comes of a child in your particular situation?

A: I think if you embrace your mental illness, and you’re aware of it, but you also take precautions to stay mentally healthy and also take precautions to make sure you don’t take out anything on anybody. You raise mentally healthy, but very well informed children, that, if they have a mental illness, they’re aware of what to do.

F: They can handle it.

A: They can handle it. Because you were never taught how to handle your mental illness. You had to learn how to handle it on your own. And I’m lucky enough to know how to handle it.

F: You have a support system, which is something I didn’t have. I didn’t have a doctor or family or friends to turn to or support me. You have a support system of people to help you cope and help you deal with your brain.

F: I feel like being raised in the way that I was helped me to be more aware of mental illness and in turn, be able to raise you in a better way. In a more mentally healthy way. I may not be mentally healthy, but like I’ve told other people, old habits die hard. My coping mechanisms and my struggles are my own, but I can at least help put you on the right path to being a healthy, stable human being. That’s what I want for you. To be a stable, productive person. And I think we’re on the right path for that one.

A: Yes!

F: So, as shitty as things may have been, and not being diagnosed until well into my twenties. I think there’s a silver lining to everything and I think the silver lining was making me prepared to help you be healthy. And I think having a support system is the number one most important thing to being mentally healthy.

FELICITY: Question of the day: what makes you feel calm?

ANJA: Most of the time, like, 99.9% of the time, I’m never truly calm. Pretty much the only time I’m calm is when I’m asleep. I’m always tense. For what, I don’t know, but I am.

Felicity: Today’s topic: school and bipolar disorder. I think this is appropriate because you are thirteen and you go to school. I have not been in school since 2002. Which, was seventeen years ago. Geez. I’m old.

F: So, you know more about this than I do. Obviously. I mean, I do remember being in school and having depression, but I have no idea what it’s like to be in school and have bipolar disorder. I can’t imagine.

Anja: There’s a whole other pole.

F Yeah, that’s got to be wild. So, I think you’ll lead this topic and I’ll be here for commentary.

A: I have...

[slams notebook on surface]

A: NOTES.

F: Hang on a second. You look so pretty right now. I need to take a picture of you.

A: Okay.

[Takes picture]

F: Okay, thank you. You may resume.

A: I have notes. And I spent about fifteen minutes preparing these notes and I think they’re very good.

A: So, when you’re bipolar and you’re in school, the most important thing is to be on meds. Because without meds, you are lacking focus. You’re disorganized. You’re easily frustrated. Which, doesn’t go well around people. You’re also easily overloaded, which also doesn’t go well around people.

A: Now, being disorganized, I’ve always said school is not a game of smarts. Although, that definitely helps. A person that might not know as much, can succeed more, if they’re organized. It’s a game of organization.

F: I’ve always heard school is more about the ability to memorize, rather than learn.

A: That too. It’s more about passing than succeeding.

F: Absolutely. You don’t have to learn, you just have to pass. That’s really sad.

A: A disorganized person is more likely to fail. I know this because I was disorganized. I was without meds, and I pretty much failed.

F: You passed only by the skin of your teeth and my persistance.

A: Yes. Now, I say you’re lacking motivation. A big misconception is that people who are manic, is that they’re motivated in every area. Like, they get everything done.

A: However, mania also comes with executive dysfunction.

F: I LOVE that term. I had never heard of executive function or dysfunction until about two weeks ago, when I read about it on Twitter. Someone used Post-It Notes as an analogy, and I thought it was genius. If I can find that tweet again, I’ll post the link to it in the comments.

A: I think it’s very fitting.

A: Mania does motivate you, but for the wrong things. Like, it motivates you to clean your entire house at 2am, or order 400 of those little arcade aliens. It doesn’t motivate you for hygiene or homework or basic daily things you need to do. It motivates you for whatever weird impulses you get in your head.

F: It’s an impulse thing. It’s what motivated Alden to, all of a sudden, rip open a microbead pillow and scatter teeny little static beads all over the house, but he can’t shower. I notice that about you. You’re so motivated to make your Tumblr posts and be there for your friends, but child, sometimes, your hygiene can lack. I mean, I have that issue with my depression but the motivation thing is so strange. When you were younger, you loved reading. You were all about your books. Absolute obsession, but I couldn’t get you to be passionate about anything else.

F: I’ve always said, because of the whole executive function thing, that bipolar children need some kind of cognitive therapy to teach them how to remember to brush their hair, brush their teeth, take showers. Without Mommy and Daddy holding their hand. As a teenager, you should be showering on your own. I just feel like, if we could get bipolar adolescents some kind of cognitive therapy, they’d at least be on a path to better daily habits.

A: The most important thing I want to bring up in this post, is that if it comes between your grades and your mental health, take care of yourself first. Do you agree?

F: I do to a point. I believe you should be able to balance both. If you take care of your mental health, your grades will follow, which, is what your point is, I think. Now, I used to disagree. When you were undiagnosed, I said on numerous occasions, “Nothing is more important than your education. Your feelings won’t get you a job. Your friends won’t get you a job. Your video games won’t get you a job.” I still stand by my statement, “There’s nothing more important than your eduation,”.I feel like it’s on parents to help you balance all of it. It’s my job to teach you how to balance your education, your mental health, and your physical health, because when you become an adult, you’re going to have to balance it on your own. So, it’s my job to prepare you. You’re going to have to balance a career, mental health, physical health, relationships, hobbies. As a parent, it’s not so much my job to push education and teach you that there is nothing else but eduation, as it is my job to teach you how to have balance.

A: I feel like the whole, “your feelings won’t get you a job” thing is pretty harsh. I mean, it’s true, but it’s harsh. Mental health is a lot more than feelings. It’s the way you are. It’s your state. And if you’re miserable all the time, because you’re so busy with school, maybe it’s just better to take an F every once in a while. You know?

F: Yes and no. I understand what you’re getting at. Old habits and feelings die hard sometimes. Eduation is incredibly important to me. But, it’s part of the reason, this last school year, I let you slack off a bit. To be able to take care of your mental health. However, I didn’t do a very good job teaching you how to have balance. All the areas of your life suffered this last school year, because te balance wasn’t there. I’m not doing a very good job balancing your life.

F: I think, as parents, we need to step up and do a better job teaching our kids how to balance the different areas of their lives. They’re all intertwined. You can’t have one without the other. You should be able to manage school, mental health, physical health, and relationships. You should be able to manage school at your best. And yes, as your parent, because I technically made you, I know what your best is. I know what you’re capable of. And also be able to balance decent mental health, which is, to me, having open conversations, communicating with one another, taking your medication, taking breaks.

A: Speaking of communicating with one another, literally the worst thing you can do, is cut yourself off and not talk about stuff.

F: Absolutely. I will attest to that! I will, because when you were diagnosed, I didn’t tell anybody. I didn’t want anyone to know my child was flawed. It felt like a stain or a blemish on my parenting. Especially when it’s all being blamed on me anyway. I held it in and my year-long depression was so deep, I didn’t see a way out. Then, I confessed. Someone on Twitter called it “Coming out of your mental health closet”, which is what I did. I said, “Hey, my kid has a major mental illness. It’s a huge struggle. I know it’s real because I took her to four different professionals and got the same answer each time. She’s on medication. This is very hard for me. I need support.” And as soon as I started being open about it, my depression lifted. I was pulling myself out of that pit. So, for me, communication is everything. Communication is the most important thing that a human being can do. Period. Communication benefits mental and physical health.

A: Yes.

A: I’m going to have to say something. It’s going to be one of those things you’re going to scold me for because I should have brought it up earlier. I hate it when you assume you know everything about me, because you made me. Like, you kind of do, but at the same time, you’re not me.

F: I agree, but I’m not saying I know everything about you. I’m saying I know what your best is. I know what you’re capable of. And that may not be because I made you, it may be because I know you. I know what you’re capable of. I’ve always known what you can accomplish.

A: But what I’m capable of changes of over the time.

F: Yeah! I know that what you’re capable of now, is different from when you were in fourth grade. I don’t have the same expectations of you now that I had then, As you evolve, I evolve as well. We do that together. I know that a lot of people think that parents and children are separate entities, but we evolve and grow together. I think, maybe, especially since I was a fairly young mother. When you were born, I had no life experiences, and we sort of grew up together.

A: I feel like because you have mental illness and you were a young mother, we can relate to each other a lot more than other neurodivergent children and their parents.

F: Also, because I value communication as much as I do, and I think I’ve passed that on to you. I need to communicate. I have to. It’s not a want. I absolutely have to. Not only for my mental health, but physical as well. I end up with ulcers and headaches when I don’t communicate. I’m miserable. I have to talk.

F: We’ve gotten way off topic.

A: Yeah. But it’s a conversation. That’s what conversations do.

F: What was I talking about initially?

F: Oh, I was talking about balancing school, mental, and physical health. I feel like, as a together parent, as a parent that’s really kicking ass, you’re going to guide your child through balancing all of those aspects of their life. Because, if you don’t teach them to do that now, they’re not going to know how to do it. Which, it’s taken me all of my adult years to figure out. I still don’t do it very well. As soon as I start getting all rockstar on my depression, well, my diabetes is out of hand. And as soon as I get my diabetes in order, I’ve neglected my home and my duties here. I’m just not very good at it. But, it’s my goal, that you’ll be better at it as an adult than I am, and you’ll be far more successful than me.

A: Having mental illness, and having to go to school, like, having homework...

A: Like, sometimes, I can’t handle it. Do you understand?

F: Yep.

A: Like, that feels so dumb to say. It feels so lazy of me.

F: No! This last school year was really hard on all you kids. Not just my kids, but the kids at your school. I heard moms at cub scouts saying how they wished they’d sent their kids to another school, because the homework was outrageous. They tripled the homework. You’ve got homework on weekends and holidays.

A: I’m surprised I don’t have homework right now. Sometimes I feel like, I’m just sitting around and I’ll think, “Oh, I need to do my homework! Oh, wait! I’ve been out of school for three weeks!”

F: Yeah. No, I mean, I get it. Especially, middle school, is super overwhelming. I wish there was no homework. You don’t want to be in that environment of pressure all day, and have more pressure when you come home. I feel like kids would have an easier time balancing their lives, if they didn’t have to bring school home. Which, is why I’m glad I took you guys out of your afternoon activities. So you’d have more time for balance. The school puts a lot on you and they’re not factoring in your mental health. They’re not factoring in how hard it is.

A: I don’t think the school board knows that mentally ill children exist.

F: I feel like it doesn’t just affect mentally ill kids. It affects all the kids. There’s so much pressure all the time and then to have to bring it home.

F: One of the things concerning school and bipolar disorder, is IEP. Your school district is so eager to hand out Gifted and Talented IEPs, but they make it next level impossible to get a one for a disability. Not in a proactive way, at least. They’re not as willing to make accommodations. I’ve been fighting for three years to get you an IEP, and all I hear is, “You’re going to hire a lawyer because your request will be denied.”

A: Why didn’t you have to hire a lawyer for G/T?

F: Exactly. The thing is, and they’ve said it to me before, if you throw a desk or punch someone in the face, they’ll write out an IEP that day.

A: I’d get expelled. If you get in a fight, you get suspended and if you get suspended, you get expelled.

F: True for your school. The problem is, they’re all about being reactive. I’d rather set accommodations up for you in a proactive way, so you don’t end up throwing a desk or hitting someone or lashing out in some way, but they won’t do it with out a lawyer. When I go to them and say, “My child has a diagnosed and medicated mental illness,” I was under the assumption that they’re supposed to work with me on that.

A: Children with mental illness should not have to hire a lawyer to get what they need from the school system.

F: That is a profound statement and very true.

F: It’s sad. I guess I’m going to have to hire a lawyer to get you what you need in school. I don’t want you to be in that position where you’re feeling unstable and you have no out. You’ve texted me a couple of times from school saying, “I’m feeling pretty on edge. Can you come get me?” I’m glad you had that out, but what if you didn’t?

F: Somebody that I know, her son threw a desk at school, and the school called the police. They handcuffed him and took him to the psychiatric unit of the local hospital before they called his mother.

A: I think that’s illegal.

F: Whatever it is, it’s not okay.

A: It’s not reflective of human rights.

F: That’s profound.

F: Do you have any more notes?

A: No.

F: Okay, then I want to end this on one note.

F: Everybody. And I mean everybody. Parents. Friends. Relatives. Caregivers. Mental Health Professionals. School systems. Politicians. Lobbyists. They’re ALL failing our children. One hundred percent. Parents aren’t paying enough attention. Parents don’t know their rights. Parents don’t see what’s happening within their own children. Or maybe they do, but they don’t know how to get help. Medical professionals are withholding information. They’re not offering treatment for children. School system is absolute crap for mentally ill children. It has such a huge stigma. I hate that word, but there is such a huge stigma around children’s mental illness. Parents are afraid to come forward. Kids are afraid to come forward. No one wants to speak up.

F: WE ARE FAILING OUR KIDS.

A: I know you wanted to end on this, but I just wish that you could go to your parents and tell them that you don’t feel good mentally, just like you would if you had a stomach ache. Like, “Oh, I’m feeling a little bit anxious” just like “Oh, I have a headache.”

A: I wish you could be picked up from school because you had an anxiety attack, just like you would if you threw up or had a fever.

F: I completely agree with you. I wish you could walk in to your doctor’s office and say, “I feel very very sad,” the same way you’d say, “I have a lot of headaches.”

F: Maybe one day. Hopefully within your lifetime. But for now, until something changes, a lot of kids are dying. A lot of kids are going undiagnosed. A lot of kids and families are suffering. A lot of kids are becoming tormented adults because they’re not getting the help that they need.

Felicity: Alright. Question of the day: What’s it like for you having a mentally ill parent?

Anja: Well, you’re really good at handling your mental illness.

F: Wow. Thanks.

A: So, it hasn’t really affected me in any way. I mean, maybe it has but I can’t recall a time that it did. It’s just not a really big issue.

F: Then, let me rephrase the question. What is your interpretation or reaction when my mental illness hits me. Like, when I get really agitated and short tempered. When I get super super sad. Stuff like that. 

A: When you’re agitated or short tempered, that’s just like flash backs to when I was eight years old and we were fighting all the time. I try to stay calm, but whe you’re agitated you can’t really see that I’m staying calm. You’ll notice every little tone in my voice, or you’ll pick apart everything that I do, even when I’m not trying to do it. 

And when you’re sad, and you don’t want to leave the house, I don’t think that’s really affected me. I don’t really even reacted to that. I don’t notice that all the time. You’re very high functioning.

F: I’m high functioning?

A: Yeah. You told me that one time. 

F: I’d say that I am. I have high functioning anxiety and though I do have Major Depressive Disorder, I feel like I’m pretty high functioning with that too. 

You know the phrase, “Fake it till you make it”?

Felicity: Question of the day: How do you feel about growing up?

Anja: I don’t like responsibility, because a lot of times I’m not mentally prepared for responsibility. There are times when I don’t have the mental capacity to be responsible. And I know that sounds dumb. I know that sounds like an excuse, but it’s true. Sometimes I can’t handle everyday life. You can relate, can’t you?

F: Sure.

A: And growing up, I’m going to have to get a job. I’m going to have to learn to drive. I’m going to have to not crash into anything when I drive. I’m going to have to get my own house. I’m going to hopefully go to college. And all of that is a lot of responsiblity, and it scares me. It really does.

F: Yeah. Responsibility is scary. It’s not an easy thing. But, when you’re a child, you’re kind of in training for that. I’ve always said that my first job is your teacher. And it’s my job to teach you to be prepared for the world. I’m not going to put you in a situation where you’re completely unprepared and crash into things. Because, that’s not my job. My job is to make sure you’re prepared. 

F: But you’re thirteen! So, you still have time. 

A: I still have time.

F: And these little things that I give you, that you find irritating, is your training. It’s teaching you to be responsible.

A; Yeah. I always seem to be really anxious about things that are not going to happen any time soon, or I’ll probably be completely ready for when it happens. I know that one I’m sixteen, I’ll be ready to drive. I know that once I’m sixteen, I’ll be better about having a job. It’s just right now, as a thirteen year old, I’m just so scared about the future. I’m just like, what if I don’t end up going to college? What if I end up having to take on student loans and end up in debt for my entire life? I could sign one paper and my entire life down the drain. 

F: Well, signing a paper about student loans doesn’t throw your life down the drain. It can mean that you’ll have to pay down and enormous amount of debt. That’s five years down the road and we can figure it out when we get there. It’s silly to worry about those things right now. When I was thirteen, I couldn’t wait to drive and have a job because it meant independence. 

A: One of my biggest fears is disappointing people. Like, you know how people have abandonment issues? 

F: You have disappointment issues.

A: Yeah. I have fear of disappointing people, especially you. That’s why when I get a bad grade, I stress about it. Then, you blow it off and it’s like, “What did I stress about?”

F: Yeah. When you get to be sixteen, ready to drive, you’ll go, “What did I stress out about?”

A: That’s a lot of things. I unnecessarily stress out about things. I need to work on that.

F: I do it too, though. I’m thirty-four and I’m stressing out about turning forty. I have five and a half years. 

[Both laughing]

FELICITY: Question of the day: when was the last time you felt happy?

ANJA: So, I specifically chose this question for today because I went to my friend Alexander’s bar mitzvah today. And it was really cool, it was like nothing I had ever experienced. We got a couple hours after the ceremony to go home and change and stuff, and then there was like, a party at an event center and we got to play games and stuff. There was a slideshow about his life and I have to say, he was cute as a little boy. So, uh, yeah. That was the last time I felt happy. About fifteen minutes ago. 

FELICITY: Question of the day: what makes you feel paranoid?

ANJA: The supernatural. Like, I’m not sure if I one hundred percent believe in it, but still when it’s dark and you’re alone, you can’t help but feel paranoid about it. And I’m not one of those people who can make myself realize that there’s not going to be a ghost in the doorway. 

A: And I can’t watch ghost shows anymore, cause it’ll just make me crazy paranoid later on. There was this one episode on Ghost Adventures, I remember, about a girl being watched in her sleep by a ghost, and that got to me for like, three months. So yeah, I try to steer clear of those things. 

F: How do you overcome your paranoia at night? Do you eventually fall asleep, or do you talk yourself out of it, or?

FELICITY: Question of the day: what makes you feel insecure?

ANJA: You know, being in public school, a lot of people like to point out my flaws. Like, uh, I cuffed my pants wrong one time, someone pointed that out. They also said my ass looks deformed. One girl in the locker room told me I had a kangaroo pouch. People don’t like the way I dress. It doesn’t make me feel necessarily insecure for more than like, five minutes. I don’t let it get to me. 

F: I’m thankful you don’t let it get to you, but it still breaks my heart. Kids are so mean sometimes.

FELICITY: Bipolar disorder is a mental illness. Key word one: “illness,” meaning you are afflicted with it. Key word two: “mental,” it being a part of the brain. 

F: Mental health is as important as physical health. They are both very important, they go hand in hand. Bipolar disorder is a chemical imbalance in the brain. Whether or not it comes upon you after a traumatic event, or when puberty hits, or if it- if you show signs when you’re born, it doesn’t matter. it is all a chemical imbalance. 

F: You are born with it, no matter what. You can go...twenty five years without seeing any symptoms, simply because you never had anything to jumpstart your bipolar disorder. But, if you have bipolar disorder, were properly diagnosed with it...you were already born with it. It was already in your brain. 

F: Bipolar disorder is categorized by highs and lows in your mood. That’s why it’s called a mood disorder [edit: it can also be called a psychotic disorder]. Not just simple, everyday highs and lows like everybody has, it’s not just “oh, I feel sad today, it’s not just, “oh, I have a lot of energy.” It’s extreme. 

ANJA: That’s why they’re called poles. That’s why it’s bipolar disorder

F: Yes, it’s the two poles, the high and the low. 

A: The mania and the depression.

F: So mania, is when you...[trails off]...

A: It’s the high. 

F: It’s the high. Mania is the high, that means you have a lot of energy, you are very impulsive, can have a lot of aggression, rage, risky thoughts, risky behaviors.

A: Racing thoughts. 

F: Racing thoughts, absolutely. Nightmares, hallucinations, hypersexuality, violence, paranoia...

A: Also, I don’t think this is an official symptom, but coming from myself and a lot of other bipolar people, you get this feeling where you’re like, crawling in your own skin. 

F: Yeah. Definitely. I hear that one a lot. 

F: So, symptoms of a depressive episode is that you...well, you are depressed. Not just kinda sad, you feel really, really, down. When I’m depressed, and I have major depressive disorder, when I’m depressed I don’t want to get out of bed. I don’t want to take a shower. I don’t want to get dressed, I don’t want to do anything, I don’t want to be anything. 

A: There’s no motivation whatsoever. 

F: No motivation whatsoever. 

A: I don’t get depressive episodes very often because I have bipolar I, and I get manic more than I do depressed. I don’t really- I don’t have to worry about depression, unless I like, unless I have no stimulation in my everyday life. 

F: You have to stay busy in order to not get depressed. I’m the same way. If I don’t want to sit in that pit, I have to stay busy all the time. That’s why I’m constantly going, and going, and going, and doing, because if I just sit for more than a couple days, I’m in that pit and I don’t feel good. 

F: So, another symptom, another result, of bipolar disorder, is uh, suicide. There is a hefty suicide rate among bipolar people. That is- that is the worst part. And as a parent of a bipolar child, knowing the statistics around bipolar disorder and suicide, it’s enough to kickstart me into a depression. It is- it worries me. 

A: The, um, I’m not gonna say the only reason, but it is one of the biggest reasons why I didn’t try to kill myself when I was younger, was because I’m so afraid of death. Maybe not death, but what happens after it. 

F: To tell you the truth, me too. It absolutely terrifies me. 

F: So, some statistics from the NIMH, claim that 2.9% of thirteen to eighteen year olds have bipolar disorder, and eighty one percent of those kids have it severe. It’s bad enough to be hospitalized, and make their life really difficult. 

F: So I was reading earlier...about bipolar disorder, and someone asked the question, “can someone with bipolar disorder live a normal life?” And it says here, “people with bipolar disorder usually go ten years before being accurately diagnosed. Treatment can make a huge difference. It is a chronic health condition that needs lifetime management. Plenty of people with this condition do well, they have families and jobs and live normal lives.” So that ought to give you a little hope for the future. 

F: That’s...that’s the other thing. Meds...they are- in my opinion, they are a must. It’s beyond me how people aren’t medicated. 

A: I think it’s really funny how, um, how after I was diagnosed bipolar, the last thing you wanted me to do was be on meds. Now, we depend on it. We have to. There’s no choice. 

F: As you were growing up and you were being misdiagnosed all over the place, meds were the last thing on my mind. We tried every single thing else. We tried discipline, rewards, I tried diet changes, we tried all sorts of therapy, I tried changing the way that I parent! And none of it worked. 

A: Because you can’t just change those chemicals. Without medication. 

F: You can’t! Exactly. You can’t change those chemicals. Absolutely. I’m the same way with mine, my MDD. It doesn’t fix itself. I need medication to give me the right chemicals. To balance those chemicals in my brain. That is a must. 

F: So, we’ve talked about what bipolar is, now let’s talk about what it is not. It’s not learned. It’s not a discipline problem. It’s not something that you can beat out of a child, teach out of a child, train out of a child, It’s not something that’s going to go away. And it’s not something that’s just going to one day change. It’s an ever evolving illness...

A: But it’s always there. 

F: But it’s always there. And unless you’re treating it with therapy and medication, you’re fighting a losing battle. 

A: Chronic is the key word. 

F: Chronic is the key word. Bipolar disorder is a chronic illness. 

A: Which, that really scares me. Because I’ll have to live with this for the rest of my life. 

F: Let me tell you something. I’ve described severe depression as rain. Imagine you have to go out in the rain. And you have to change the tires on your car, you have to check your mail, you have to walk your dog, you have to go to work. You have to hoe your garden, mow your lawn. Daily things, but you have to do them in the rain. That’s what my brain is like every single day. I will always live doing everything in the rain. And that’s a daunting thing to think about. 

F: I can still do all those daily activities, but you know how when you go in the rain, everything’s just harder? And you’re just slightly more miserable doing them? That’s what it’s like with MDD, I’m constantly having to force myself to do things. And when I do them, I’m miserable. It’s harder for me. It’s harder for me to go take a shower than it is for other people. It’s harder for me to do things because it’s like when you’re out in the rain, everything’s just that much harder.

A: It’s like- I’ve said it before- but it’s like when you do anything, it would be much easier for a neurotypical person.   

F: It is much easier for a neurotypical person. They’re not fighting chemicals in their brain. 

A: They’re not fighting their own mind on a daily basis. 

F: Yeah! And I know that’s exhausting. I know your brain is tired. I know you’re tired. I know you are. But you can’t really think about it that way, because then you’ll get overwhelmed. I can’t think about how I will never not be in the rain. I can’t think about it...because that’s just gonna throw me back in that pit. And I can’t live my life, raise my kids, and take care of everything I need to take care of..if I’m in that pit. 

A: And it’s okay to be miserable. It’s okay to rest. 

F: As long as you don’t give up. I like Kevin Hines’s hashtag, #beheretomorrow. Today might not have been the best day, but as long as you’re here tomorrow, that’s what matters. 

F: Let’s touch on what bipolar disorder means for you- for us. What does bipolar disorder mean for you? 

A: I really hate to say this but...bipolar disorder is a part of me. And I can’t change that. I mean, sometimes I really wish I didn’t have bipolar disorder, but I don’t know what I would be without it. 

F: Absolutely. I completely agree with you. I feel the same way about myself. I don’t know who I would be. I don’t know who my father would have been, who my grandmother would have been, without mental illness. 

F: While I understand your sentiment, I think that because you’re medicated, and nobody else was, you are more you.

A: And less bipolar disorder. 

F: Yes! Exactly. When you were eight years old and running away and acting out, being violent and raging, I didn’t know who you were! I couldn’t buy you gifts, I didn’t know what you liked. I didn’t know your personality...all I knew was this child I couldn’t connect with. All I knew was this child that absolutely hated me. 

A: I was mostly bipolar disorder. 

F: One of the more prominent symptoms that you had was lack of motivation. Smartest kid ever, bad grades. It’s not that you didn’t know the work, you just didn’t turn stuff in. Soon as we got you on medication, that mostly changed. 

F: Super energy. 

A: Aggressive. Frustrated. 

F: Violent. Raging. Yeah, those were scary times. 

A: I had anger issues.

F: A lot. Yeah. You couldn’t focus on anything. I know a lot of that are symptoms of ADHD. 

A: Which is why I got misdiagnosed.

F: But its the hallucinations and the nightmares that sealed the deal. That turned things around. When we brought those up, it turned things around. That’s when the term “bipolar” came into play, and it fit. It fit you. 

F: I know that some of the symptoms in my family, that are or were mentally ill, were definitely instability. Never being able to stay put. Not being consistent. Inconsistency was huge.

A: Even me, now, medicated, I can’t stay on the same routine or the same surroundings for more than a month. I have to change something about my life, whether it be my room, or, hell, my Tumblr blog. There has to be something that changes. 

F: I agree. I’m the same way. I get very bored very easily.

F: Money! Money was a huge problem when I was growing up. You know, nobody could save. They would spend wildly. 

A: Money? You mean lack of!

F: Yeah. It was impulsive spending. That’s one of the bigger symptoms of bipolar disorder in adults. Impulsive spending. That was a huge one when I was growing up. 

F: My family was never very affectionate. They were always very distant. 

A: I don’t know what I would do if you weren’t affectionate.

F: Well, that’s the whole reason I am affectionate, is because I was starved as a child. I needed affection and I never got it. So, it was super important to me that I be an affectionate parent. I don’t know what I would do if I wasn’t affectionate either, because I thrive on being close to you guys. And I don’t want to raise you in the same situation. In an angry, distant, impulsive, unstable situation. I don’t want to raise you that way. 

F: So, what did we learn today?

F: That it’s a little scary.

A: It’s scary.

F: But it can be managed.

A: It can be managed.

F: And you’re doing a fantastic job. And I’m doing a fantastic job, and your team is doing a fantastic job. 

F: Do you remember the time we were standing outside Old Navy and you told me you wanted to buy a gun?

FELICITY: Question of the day: what was the last visual hallucination you had?

ANJA: Okay, so, every time I stay up really late, into like, two, three AM, I um, I see my shadow. Except it’s really dark, obviously, and I’m not actually seeing my shadow. I’m seeing what would be my shadow, except it’s bright white. 

F: And that happens often? When was the last time that happened to you?

A: Like, the night before last. 

F: *softly* Damn. 

F: What was the last auditory hallucination you had?

A: Whenever I do get those, I get them quite often, so I don’t really keep track of the last one I had. I’m guessing that it was you calling my name.

F: That was the most frequent. That was how I knew you needed a [medication] adjustment. When you kept hearing me call your name, but I was never calling your name. 

A: Yeah.

F: Alden [younger, not yet medicated bipolar brother] does that. Often. 

FELICITY: Question of the day: what is your current fixation?

ANJA: Okay, so ever since like...the beginning of April, when we started reading The Outsiders in English class, I loved that book. That was such a good book. 

A: I think one of the reasons I liked it so much was because S.E. Hinton put in a lot of unintentional gay subtext. I always appreciate that. 

A: I even changed my main blog on Tumblr to be based off The Outsiders, which I think is pretty epic. 

F: So you’re currently fixated on The Outsiders. 

A: Mhm. 

F: That’s an interesting thing to be fixated on, I think. 

A: Yeah.

F: My dad likes The Outsiders. He always refers to, like, Ponyboy and Greasers and so on. 

F: I remember when I was in high school or something, um, we read a short story, I think, about people that were immortal, they went and swam in this water, or drank this water, or something, I can’t remember exactly. And they were immortal. And I was just...obsessed with the idea of being able to do that. And I wrote short stories about it and I wanted anything and everything to do with it. 

F: So, I get that. 

FELICITY: Hi, I’m Felicity. I’m Mom.

ANJA: I’m Anja [edit: pronounced AHN-yuh] and I’m the spectacle. I’m the bipolar child. 

F: This blog is you and I, having a conversation-

A: Yeah.

F: About your bipolar disorder.

F: What is the goal of this blog, besides having a conversation with you, which I always love to do?

A: I think this is mostly about educating people. Um, about bipolar disorder, about pediatric bipolar especially. 

F: Yes...we’re bringing awareness to it. 

A: Yeah!

F: We want people to know that...[trails off]..

A: Pediatric bipolar exists. 

F: Bipolar disorder is not exclusively for adults. 

F: And to show what spectacular human beings come out of...what spectacular human beings you children with bipolar disorder are. 

F: Children are not exempt from mental illness just because their brains are growing. 

A: Absolutely.

A: I’ve been bipolar since I was born, I think everybody-

A: Wow, that’s dumb. That’s a dumb thing to say. Everybody’s been bipolar since they were born. I’ve shown symptoms since I was born.

F: I think you were born with bipolar disorder. I think you had bipolar disorder when you were in the womb.

A: [through laughter] Uh-huh.

F: You were erratic and crazy, and I used to call you Jet Li before you were born. 

A: Who’s that?

F: [laughs] Oh god, I’m so old! 

F: Uhm, Jet Li is an actor who does kung-fu and whatnot.

F: You were probably more of a Jackie Chan, though. You know who Jackie Chan is, right?

A: Of course I know who Jackie Chan is. 

F: Okay, alright. So I think you were born with it, absolutely. Mental illness runs so thick through my family, it’s....

A: Incredible. 

F: It’s incredible! Pretty much every member of my family, on one side or the other, has a mental illness of some sort. Bipolar is the most prominent. 

F: So, I first noticed severe symptoms when you were about eighteen months old. Your behavior was ridiculous, and I could not calm you down. With anything. 

F: We went to the doctor every year or so, and I’d say, “there’s something off about my child, there’s something off about my child-”

A: “Oh, they just need to go to school.”

F: Yeah, exactly. Or, “it’s the way you talk to them.” That was a big one. Basically saying it was my fault. 

F: And it wasn’t until we moved from Texas to Louisiana when you were, uh, eight years old, that we finally got the appropriate diagnosis. Of course, you weren’t diagnosed until you were ten, but we were on a good path when we moved here. We finally got you a good team, and got you taken care of. 

F: Continually getting you taken care of, because it’s an evolving thing. There’s a lot to go with bipolar disorder, it’s very dramatic, and very detailed, and it’s not a “one-size-screws-all” condition.

A: One person’s experiences are not universal. 

F: Absolutely not. It’s different for everybody. 

A: [whispering] That’s from a meme.

F: Huh?

A: That’s from a meme. 

F: Is it? That’s funny. 

F: So the format of this blog is going to be Anja and myself having an actual conversation. The back and forth, me and them, so you can have different perspectives, mine and theirs. Grammar won’t always be the best, mind you. 

F: Just, as a note, I think you’re absolutely brilliant. Marvelous child. And I’m not just saying that for the blog. 

A: Love you. 

F: So...we’re going to be putting out blog posts twice a week, we will release what specific days we’ll be doing so..we haven’t decided yet. We have an entire list of topics to cover. Uhm, if you have any suggestions, just let us know. We’ll work out anything you want to learn about. If you have any questions for myself or Anja, you’re welcome to ask.

A: Yeah, send us an ask!

F: Also, you can follow me on Twitter. I post a lot of informative articles on children’s mental illnesses and children’s mental health in general. 

A: We’ll put a link in the post.