Looking at the world through a Kaleidoscope

It is so out of context, so wrong.

A test makes my brain screw itself. A test rips my heart apart. Why? It opens the gate to a black abyss of panic. It makes me lose grip on reality and spiral downwards aiming for full destruction. Destruction of my intellect. Destruction of my personality. Destruction of my faith in myself. Why? Why do I allow this? I know I’m intelligent. I know I’m good, yet self impairment seems to be as natural to me as breathing. It is so painful having your shoulders drawn up under your ears as soon as someone gives you a time limit or a grade. Well, it’s better with written assignments. My love of language actually manages to get the better of my fear. I just really love writing and exploring my ideas and thoughts. Mathematical tests though… oh, they are the death of me! That is so sad, I adore math, and I know I could be more than decent, if only my brain would stop betraying me and handing me over to panic and anxiety, I could be really good. I still get Bs and Cs mostly, but I guess I use 80% of my capacity on a math test to not freak out. I have problems thinking, breathing and I often tremble terribly and make a fuzz out of losing things and messing with all the stuff on my desk… It takes so much energy not to burst into a full scale anxiety attack, after a test I feel like I could just die…

Words are wonderful. 

For all purposes, they are wonderful. A blank sheet, capturing exactly what you want it to, when you are ready to submit it. In my world, where I have been trained to conceal my thoughts and disfigure my truths and sense of self, writing is a safe haven beyond words, ironically :)

It’s no ones business what I write. I can speak from the heart, I can switch into a conscience I though lost long time ago, when my self worth and self esteem was whisked away.  I can tell the stories I never even dared to think about.

6. We are never set on one opinion, how could we be? It might seem like we are very focused and stubborn, and we are. But being an intuitive introvert means having an addiction to changing perspectives. So we strive for new perspectives all the time, and in our heads we entertain all kinds of weird views, also when we seem very strict on the outside. The rational nature of extroverted thinking makes us grasp and use our current best solution in the outside world, and it might therefore look like we are very set on this solution. But that is far from the truth. Logic needs hard facts and a set view, so we entertain our best option and treat it as the truth, but in our heads, I believe it is never truly set. The subplot of multiple angles and realities goes on forever. It’s only thanks to Te that we get out of there and become productive. So next time you think an INTJ is being narrow-minded, confront them, for the ability to talk it out is certainly there.

7. Not all of us are clumsy and hate sports. I’ve pondered on this for a while, and I think this might be true for at least a few of us. I’ve always been really into sports and really good. My key strengths are timing and reaction, and an ability to imitate and respond to movement really fast. I think this can be explained through Ni-Se. When I do sports I’m acutely aware of my surroundings, in a very all-including ‘zen’ way. I see energy gets transformed and led on, and I understand the whole by getting hints from all the details of the real world my Se picks up and feeds Ni, which emerges with this real time connection to the flow of a situation. This makes me able to predict future moves, and understand sequences of movement very well. The difference to a Se-dom, I think, is that I don’t look at for example a martial arts throw and see the details of the throw. I see the principle, I see physics, history, psychology… I see interconnected energy. Nonetheless, it is very acute awareness of the truth, in a totally different way.

8. At least for me, my weakness lies in the awareness of details. In a way, I just spent some time arguing that INTJs are not that bad with details. Now I’m gonna turn that one around. If you read between the lines of 7. you will find that I never said I’m directly good with details, because I’m not. I’m extremely good at unconsciously using details to make up a concept or manipulate the whole, but it is a meaning-to-means chain of reaction. I’m weak at the typical Si stuff (which makes sense, since it is the last function in my shadow stack…), and I trip constantly when it comes to for example simple mistakes in math. I write half of one problem and half of the other, I forget to write a number or I change the sign in front… I’m just not really there, or focused on the details. I usually do really good in figuring out the mathematical principles in a problem, I love that part. But typically I ruin it by some simple mistake. When I am troubled or tired this goes for material things in the real world too. I misplace stuff, or forget things, or mount something in the wrong way. I’m mentally absent, especially if I have not had alone time in a while. Then I start worrying about this, and that drops my energy even further, which again means more mistakes.

9. Ignoring someone usually is not intentionally. INTJs love their plans and ideas. When we go into obsession mode, which happens quite often, we remove all things from our minds, which cannot help deepen our understanding of our current theme of obsession. So, if you have something we need, like knowledge or skills, you might find that you are hardly left alone, and bombarded with questions or ideas. But if you are not so ‘lucky’ that your have expertise in INTJs area of obsession, you are kind of invisible at the moment, like the rest of the world. No harm intended, really! It is just that we get so many ideas and impressions, that it is hard to see through it all. The process might begin by gathering information, but then the unconscious Ni kicks in, and we don’t even want to disturb ourselves. So really, not picking up the phone or replying to a text, it’s not intentionally, it’s just… not getting through to the layer of reality at which we exist in such bouts of obsession. I really hope this makes sense!

10. It really takes time to get to know an INTJ. It does not matter if in friendship or in love, INTJs are usually not the rushing in types. We’re intense in the moment, so if you got to know us through some thrilling and interesting conversation, you might feel that we did not appreciate it, since we usually won’t contact you again immediately. This could not be further from the truth. At least for me, if I had an amazing conversation, I can go at least a week, if not longer, just pondering the questions and wonder of that conversation. I will prepare to ask you more questions and explore your mind, and since it is such an intense experience I want to give us both space to cope and find balance. So, if you had this kind of conversation with an INTJ, and they don’t immediately ask for more, don’t be spooked. Either you contact them, or you wait, but be sure of this: If an INTJ engaged in a long and deep conversation with you, he/she will want to talk to you again. Our thoughts and ideas are the most precious things we have, we don’t share that with just anyone.

1. Our objective in learning something is never praise. It’s not that we don’t like praise, but it is highly unlikely to motivate us. To me, actually it has the opposite effect. I belive that doing something and hoping for praise is missing the point. I like things to be true and pure, and if you do something I believe it should have value to you, other than being a medium for flattery. How can you really understand something if your main focus is on pleasing someone else?

2. To us, comforting and helping is about finding solutions. Sometimes a hug is of help, but only for a moment. Mostly a hug is something the other person needs, to feel like he/she is able to help. To me, comfort and help is about understanding the problem and sharing perspectives and solutions. It might sound blunt… but really, cheery words don’t solve the problem. So the most comforting thing someone can do to help me, is shedding light on the problem and trying to find truth and solutions. That makes me feel safe, more so than a hug, because this person uses his/her resources and intelligence to back me up, and that inspires me to go on myself. 

3. Taking something seriously means staying objective. This is much the same as 2. in a way. I strive to stay objective and detached, especially when I have strong feelings about something. I’ve always seen that as the natural thing to do, but I’ve learnt over the years that people often misjudge this as passiveness and disinterest, or coldheartedness. Nothing could be further from the truth. It is my inner storm of passion, engagement and feeling which gives me a need to disconnect my view from my inner turmoil. I value logic, and I believe, if used right, that feelings are part of this logic. But to really see and understand myself and the world, I do need to strive for objectiveness. How can I see if I am buried in emotion? 

4. To us, alone time is as crucial as sleep. This might be hard to get for some extroverts, but it is nonetheless true. I’ve tried living together with others and constantly engaging for half a year, and the results were a lot like insomnia. I am a very driven and energetic person, with loads of ideas and strong imagination. But after about three months there, I’d lost all that, and I started the days by counting hours till I could go back to bed and hide under the duvet, in order to get some quiet. Constantly being with people really feels like my soul seeps out of me and my identity gets washed away. So needing alone time is not about not liking people, it is about survival and being healthy - to an introvert, it’s as important as sleep. 

5. We want truth, and feelings are part of that truth. I kind of touched this in 3. But I think I need to clarify even more, because this is so often misunderstood, even by INTJs. I don’t believe in logic OR values and emotions. I believe that values, emotions and logic are part of the same process. MBTI says so to, it is called judging functions (logic and values), and I also think emotions are crucial. Humans have always strived towards happiness and fulfillment of some kind. And while it is true that some use logic, and others values, as a main vehicle to get there or validate their views and feelings, the core drive has to be emotional. There is no sense in logic or values without emotion. If you have no goal, what do you need judging functions for? And even if your goal is to be objective and unemotional, that means this is something you want, it has appeal to you, and I would say appeal is emotion. I think being objective is trying your best to take all things into account. If you refrain from values or emotions because you want to be objective, you construct a lie, and the truth slips away. Therefore I think openness is always strength, and not acknowledging something makes you vulnerable. I believe true objectiveness is acknowledging how you feel, knowing why and taking your feelings into account, together with logic and values. This might seem paradoxical, but if you bann your feelings, you undermine that they are part of your core drive, and you give them unconscious free reign, which could lead to great biases. Often, logic is also used as an excuse to run away from ones feelings, which is ultimately a very emotional thing to do.