Her thoughts from within

It’s strange getting closure for something that never even officially began.

He texted me recently. After I’ve already moved on (for gonna be like 2 years ago?). After I’m already in a relationship.

The timing is almost funny.

We never dated. He never said he liked me. There was no “us.” Just something in between. Something quiet. Something that stretched for almost two years—at least on my side.

And then I heard this:

“Walking through my front door I've been away a couple years I've been chasing all my dreams But avoiding all my fears And I met a girl but she got too close So I said, ‘Goodbye’ 'Cause I'll be running from myself For the rest of my life’”

Tell me that doesn’t feel personal.

Because that’s exactly how it felt.

I liked him for almost two years (if you are reading this, this is for you). That’s not a small thing. And when he slowly faded—when he chose to ghost instead of explain, it hurt. Not dramatically. Not loudly. Just quietly. The kind of hurt that makes you question your own reality.

Am I not worthy to be love? Is it because I am out of his league? Was I the only one feeling something?

Because when nothing is official, you don’t even feel entitled to grieve.

But I didn’t imagine it.

I liked him not just because he was tall and okay la, cute. I liked him because he was funny. Because I could be lame and unfiltered around him. I’m such a sucker for bad pick-up lines and stupid jokes—and he did all that effortlessly.

I felt safe being that version of myself.

Maybe you had your own fears. Maybe different life stages mattered. Maybe I got too close. Maybe you weren’t ready for something real.

But I need this to exist somewhere:

What I felt was real. The way I treated you was real. The closeness was real. The random urge to text you was real. The thought of “I would actually travel all the way just to see you” was real.

I wasn’t making it up.

And when you sent that closure message—when I’m already with someone else, it almost felt like confirmation.

It wasn’t nothing. You just couldn’t handle what it could’ve been.

instagram archived: 15/11/2019

Let me be honest with you. I am not in good condition every day since this year. Putting up the smile has become a norm for me. Well, then you will wonder, how I can do it like last time? Because previously, I wasn't that vulnerable. I wasn't that fearful, or doubtful. I was strong, very. I always put on that smile that no one knows.

I was even been pushed aside and words attack me like, "You will not understand all these because you are always happy"

"You will not get it, is so complicated, only people who are down and real will go through this". Do you not know that I suck it up and shattered because of those words? I have been through seas that you did not know and I admit I was stronger than you.

But what I want to say is, please keep moving forward even how difficult it is. I have not go through my darkest moments yet but still pushing on. I admit is hard, very hard but I went through similar things as you do. So why not try to keep those words to yourself and think before you speak? If you have nothing good to say to someone nice to you or anyone, don't say it.

instagram archived: 6/2/2020

A word that I cling on for a long time. When things fall apart, atleast you have hope, things will be okay. I hold on to this word last year but this year, I would like to hold on again.

To hope is to believe even it is hard to believe.

To hope is to trust things will work out fine as long as you still hold on.

To hope is to try new things even is something out of your comfort zone (with a tiny hope and support). This is how I live.

This is how I still love even the hardest moments. This is how I decide to put my trust on different people in my life. This is how I do things even the least I think I could not. This is how I live, how about yours?

instagram archived: 26/2/2020

"No point of loving others when you don't love yourself."

I heard this many times whether is within family or church or anywhere else, of course, the paraphrasing of the statement in a different way. Sadly, that statement was real. Last year, was a year that I hardly love myself. So is also a year to love lesser people that I supposed to love if I was stronger. I neglect others in the time that I could not love others.

But this year, I am trying to get back up to love this little kid in me. Letting this kid in me, one day or someday this year. Don't get me wrong, is not a must to be "kid" to make yourself happy. This is just applicable to Heidi or even some of you.

I know, many of us put others first than yourself (maybe others no, or maybe I am wrong). Anyway, if you are those kinds of people that keep loving others as I do, hey, I see it, I see it.

Even no one see your heart, I see it. I see how you talk to people, post encourages thoughts online, behave in public, sensitive to people, those are the act of loving people than yourself. But hey, why not... take a step to spend time and discover yourself again? Like, watch that favourite movie that you used to watch when you were 10, eat ice cream whenever you want it and be truly happy on the choice you made on the ice cream or even start writing again, yeap, that diary that you have not been touched after awhile, write again. I admit I did not do that (mostly) but let me challenge you, do something you love this week without people but you, just you. Because I am doing it.

I decided to share my thoughts here, as people said, online posting (social media) are never true, but believe or not, these words are words that deep down in my heart and I sincerely want to love. I decided to love myself again, but are you?

i just want to run away.

post via instagram (archived): 21/12/2014

exact words:

"Life is a combination of pasta and magic."

Pasta is a great source of carbohydrate, the body's primary source of energy. So enjoy pasta.

post via instagram (archived): 19/12/2014

exact words:

a cup of latte.

"you can't buy happiness but you can buy coffee. that's almost the same thing.'

keep calm and drink a cuppa.

post via instagram (archived): 16/12/2014

exact words:

"There is no food sincerer than the love of the food.''

Mom cooked today. Beautifully.

home-cooked food. make it simple, but significantly.

post via instagram (archived): 28/11/2014

exact words:

"Photography is a way of feeling, touching and loving. What have caught on film is captured forever.'

A small cute bottle of salt.

post via instagram (archived): 8/11/2014

exact words:

I had an awesome time with the youth peeps (my second church) this afternoon.

Games, fellowship, donuts, cupcakes, coffee, and most importantly, all the laughter that occurred. It was a great joy to be in His house. I thought when I left my first church, I would never find another home. a better family. But I did. This is my new home.

Thank you, church. You all are fantastic. PS: I left this church due to some stuff (': i ordered hot chocolate.

post from instagram (archived): 19/10/2014

exact words:

"Don't despise little things that contain tiny miracles."

Imagine if this small thing (lady finger) appears again in some other places, would anyone realise that?

Some of them might say, "of course, so much cuteness overload on this small tiny lady finger.'' while I bet the others won't realise it and take it for granted.

Just like small things are done in our lives, even if they may not seem great to some people, they definitely create something or impact someone.

post from instagram (archived): 15/10/2014

exact words:

woohoo! this is homemade pumpkin seri muka! it was made by my mom! seriously have to give her all the credits as she never knew how to make yet today she try to make it with the help of a cookbook. it tasted solid good!

post from instagram (archived): 8/9/2014

exact words: Well, today's mooncake festival was a great one. Although I ate my first mooncake on Sunday, today is the real thing.

Had a great night with a friend (diploma friend: she is from the culinary side) at Jonny Rockets in Sunway Pyramid, Malaysia. (context, last time Jonny Rockets just opened in Malaysia, haha). Also, we watched "The Hundred foot journey" in the cinema. Can't believe that I watched this movie the third time HAHAH! it relates to cooking and romance! Still good tho!