Constantin

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New York City winters could be cold. That was something she had learned this year, when she’d taken a leap that for most would have felt like a baby step, but for a girl so tied to a dead man, had been frightening. Perhaps that was why the chill didn’t feel quite so harsh now, and why she was rather comfortable in her cozy scarf, expensive coat, and bobble hat. As they stepped through the tree farm, an experience that Belva hadn’t ever had before but was perhaps overly excited for (the photo opportunities were endless, and the smell made it difficult not to smile), she didn’t notice the pensive look on Constantin’s face until he spoke.

Belva blinks, taking a moment to come back to the present, tugging her gloves on as she finishes taking her photo. “Really?” There’s no judgement to her tone, just an open curiosity, blue eyes searching his face to try and see if he’s joking with her. “I mean…it’s really cute. You could set up a, like, hot coco hut and ice skating and a little hill for sledging,” she daydreams, essentially listing off all of the things she’d always wanted to be able to do as a child, but that Vidal Athanas ensured were not possible.

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Snow. It was the promise of snowy trees every winter that had made the decision for him all those months ago. Carefully looking around for the perfect place. Trying to do everything behind his parents back, knowing they wouldn’t approve. Now, finally, he was making him dream come true. A part of him called for the world of nature, and yet he understood that his place was within the masses. Except, he’d allowed himself this small bloom of hope for a future he wanted. A future he desired for himself, untainted from the outside world.

“Yeah,” he whispered, eyes bright with hope. Constantin nodded as she bounced some ideas around. The image slowly forming across his face with a smile adorning his face. “Are you trying to become a partner in this endeavor of mine, Belva?” 

Now, as he looked ahead of him seeing acres and acres of trees with his own money to spend Constantin knew what he wanted to do. “What if...well, what if i bought it?” he asked them, turning his gaze towards them. “I know. I know it is crazy. Trust me. This would be a whole business in itself, but the owners have agreed to stay for a year to show me the ropes.” Pressing his fist against his chest, just knowing what he wanted. “But this is all i want.”

Standing on top of the penthouse floor, his floor, staring across the span of his glass wall down at the people walking towards their next destiny...he wondered. Was he truly alone? 

“Well you’re gonna do it either way, right?” Irma asked, flicking a piece of lint off her shirt and covering her mouth for a long yawn. She’d been having trouble sleeping again, but nightmares were a weakness she was not about to admit to to anyone. “Just do it and we’ll have to wait and see. It’s not like we’re not used to disappointment around here, anyway.”

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“it is because i am used to disappointment that i find this so difficult to do, and to believe in.”

he took a deep breath in before blowing it away, his hopes and wish floating away into the unknown.

ashante glanced over at him, watching him stare at the lash. “well, i’d say at least preparing for disappointment wouldn’t be a bad idea,” she paused, realizing that probably came off harsher than she’d intended. “but who knows? it might come true, too,” she added, hoping that’d soften her previous statement. “can i ask what the wish is, though?”

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closing his eyes for a second he breathed in deeply before blowing the eyelash away, watching it disappear from his eyesight. 

“if i tell you what i wished for, then i’m lessening the chances of it actually coming true.”

Constantin brushed an eyelash off of his cheek, holding it in his thumb staring at it. 

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Before returning to the house on the hill, whenever Belva heard the name Constantin Moreau, she thought of parties. Of fancy rooms filled with items that spoke to the wealth of those gathered within, blinding (and often false) smiles as discussions of business deals and social responsibilities passed between the elite. Now, she thinks of trees, of a man relaxed under the moon with his treats and fine wines. The finery still there, but less hollow, somehow.

His nickname softens her, thin fingers brushing against the ivy covered brick wall beside her. “It’s really pretty today, isn’t it?” And despite the slight chill, the wind that sometimes manages to nestle its way into the little courtyard, it is. There’s wine colored flowers, bushes of lavender, and trees signaling the approaching autumn dotted about the courtyard like a painting. She wonders how much of this work was her mother’s, how much is Florence’s. Wonders if that’s why she’s there, searching for comfort even when all that’s left of the woman is a garden.

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Constantin slid the tiny notebook he had inside of his jacket, leaving his hands to hang on the side. If there was one person he seemed to constantly meet in nature it was Belva. Whether it’d be him behind a tree, or sitting down on a picnic she was somewhere nearby running. That’s why when he saw her standing there, gazing at was a wall covered in ivy, that he began to feel a little unsteady. Something was different about this moment, but it was the feeling that made it all stranger.

“Yes,” he said, taking a step closer today. “It is a rather pretty day.” Choosing to stand besides her to gaze along with her, watching the growth of it all. This area seemed to have been taken over by nature in such a carefully planned way, that he could see the human touch. “What are you doing out here, B?”

For someone who was equal parts disgusted and frightened by bugs, snakes, and non-fuzzy creatures, Belva had a rather surprising fondness for the outdoors. It was perhaps rooted in superficiality, in the way that some things that mother nature gave them were just so pretty and pleasing to look at; however, recently she was finding other reasons for enjoying the outdoors. Not only was it an escape from the too constricting house on the hill, but it was a way to distract herself from all of the unpleasant thoughts. An opportunity to allow herself to feel small, not in the way that her father was so talented in doing (even after death), but in a way that somehow made her feel better. Comforted, almost.

It’s a relatively nice day outside, the sun occasionally shining weakly through the white clouds, and the blonde is rather uncharacteristically without her phone. There’s no photos taken purely for Instagram, or airpods blasting early 2000s pop, it’s just Belva and the few trees that are turning yellow, brown, and red. Late blooming flowers and the small, fuzzy bees that land on them. For a moment, alone, she’s able to forget everything that’s gone wrong, to forget the message from Harley that remains unanswered in her phone, forget the pain and anger that’s festering like a wound in her chest. Letting out a rather frustrated huff of air, the blonde straightens up from where she was leaning down to inspect a flower, her gaze landing not on an empty expanse of garden, but on a familiar face. Blinking a few times as if to bring her back from her cloudy thoughts, she wonders how long Constantin’s been there. “Hey,” she offers, not quite feeling up to much else.

@constantinmoreau​

It was a mystery how Constantin found himself inside of nature, and even worst in nature belonging to the Athanas family. Even though he was a fan of connecting to the earth, and getting its energy from sitting on the grass he’d been spending an unhealthy amount of time outside. The only thing protecting him from the cold were the clothing he had so carefully chosen, if not he was sure he would of found himself sick by now. It was in that moment, as he wrote wax poetry about Demir in his mind, that he saw her figure standing a little farther away. 

Approaching her was questionable. He was unsure if he wanted the possible questions of why he was here, once again, to come up. A small part of him, however, didn’t care because it seemed like she might need a friend. Breathing in deeply he approached her, trying to make as much sound possible as to not frighten her. “Hey, B.”

for better or for worse, ashante was used to people normally having some type of motive when they came to talk to her. there was always something they needed or wanted — legal advice, favors from her parents, and answers to questions they could’ve googled are always high on the list. this used to hurt her feelings, the fact that no one ever seemed to want to talk to her for her, but over time she stopped expecting any different and iced herself away from others. constantin appearing with seemingly no motive was so far from her norm that it almost put her on edge. what helped is that she trusted him more than most other people that came through her office; if he really just wanted to chat, perhaps this could be a step towards melting that ice.

ashante cracked a smile at his feigned shock before rolling her eyes playfully. “contrary to popular belief, i did exist before the degrees and law license,” though, to be fair, she often had to remind herself of that fact as well. “hm,” she hummed as she thought about his question. “i’d say home away from home. i’m an introvert,” she began to explain, “so any place i spend a lot of time — like here — or any place that’s just for me — like my house — just has to feel really comforting or else i can get burnt out quite easily,” dealing with difficult people and clients on a daily basis was part of her job; she learned quickly that she had to find reprieve whenever and wherever she could if she wanted to hold onto at least a shred of her sanity. it was a struggle these days, but ashante thought she was doing an alright job.

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constantin kept eyes on her, studying and committing everything to memory. he wanted to learn her. wanted to know all of her smiles, and all of her looks. wanted to know if they could coexist, and if their personalities went together well. there was a part of him that could see the good in marrying ashante, the comfort it would bring. yet, there was also a part of him that understood that there was a possibility he wouldn’t be one of her priorities. and constantin craved the absolute connection that came with a natural relationship. craved the need for the person, but with the understanding they weren’t absolute. would he find that here? in this arrangement made by their parents.

“but what place see’s you the most?” he asked curiously, leaning forward. it almost felt like he was playing a questions game with her, and maybe that wasn’t such a bad idea. “you mean to tell me you didn’t just pop out with a degree?” constantin teased, “no, i know the amount of work you’ve put in becoming and having what you have now.”

that’s why, when the truth behind his relationship with estelle had been discovered he had been surprised with just how much it had hurt. even now, a couple of months after he’d known the truth it still ached inside of him. it was with that news that the unfathomable happened. constantin met demir. constantin met someone that both scared him and drew him in. everything and nothing seemed to revolve around that guy. he wanted to pull away and run as far away from him as possible, but he also wanted to hold on tightly. he was a mystery dressed up in suits, and all constantin wanted to do was discover him. 

small random bumping turned into drawn dinners- wine and food. it felt like a forbidden romance, even if there was nothing romantic about them. he was the strong wall he could lean back into, and the ear he whispered into. in demir, constantin saw a way to break from the mold and become his own person. far away from the moreau last night name. in him he had found a home were he could dream to be anything, and still have hope to actually achieve it. 

constantin’s every interaction with demir triggered a flight or fight reaction, but demir’s eyes always managed to root him deep into the ground. always scared, and yet so drawn in.

@demirarslan​

somehow he began diving deeper into what they had. was it a relationship? or were they just hooking up? everything seemed so on the down-low. hidden in his apartment. on the hotel they had a reserved room. in small low-key fancy restaurants. but for him it had felt so private, so incredibly about them that he hadn’t questioned it. why would he want to share what they had with the world? it was away from the prying and greedy eyes of his father, so untouched by expectations and reality. 

maybe that’s why it had hurt differently when he found out about demir. when he found out that he was the other man. everything had suddenly come crashing down on him, and his bubble burst. the one thing that he had going on that was pure, and his, suddenly wasn’t anymore. in that moment constantin realized just how deeply he had fallen for estelle. she was the first person he wanted to text. the first person he wanted to share his day with. but the pain and feelings of betrayal stopped him. now he lived life trying to remain as far away, emotionally, from her as he could but also wanting to be near her always. it was a toxic outlook, and he knew that.

constantin’s eyes focused once more, staring at her from across the table a small soft smile spreading across his face. @estcllle​

the thing was that constantin wasn’t sure about this future of his. a white picket fence and some children, marrying new money and good connections. ashante was somebody he knew he could be himself with, someone that he could grow to love and grow a partnership with. except, he wasn’t sure that marrying would ever allow him to be satisfied with his life. once more following the rules of his parents, and marrying her, would be like sliding even deeper into the hold his father had over him. 

did he dare go into this room. did he dare step into the possibility of this life? he was unsure. @ofashante​

… .

he was in constant contradiction with himself. his head always overpowered his heart, but how deep he could run. his head was necessary. impartiality was necessary. tuning out the sadness, the rage, the love, the regret, that ran through his veins was necessary. emotions had no place. they were distractions. how much worse he would be if he listened to his heart. how off the family would be if he listened to his heart. how he would ignore his father’s molding, azra’s input, all that made the necessary cruelty, if he listened to his heart. a thinker. never a feeler. 

but he wanted to feel. and ‘to want’ was a feeling in and of itself, was it not ? but all feeling had been pushed so deep, he knew not how to access it. he knew not how he could bring himself to feel. and yet, the other man – that half of his soul, some connection he could not explain –  had the ability to draw it out. the other man had the ability to access demir’s heart, replace thinking with feeling. or as close as he could now get to feeling. and, for that, he was forever grateful for their chance meeting by the oak. for that, he was forever grateful for estelle’s great betrayal. 

iron cloaked itself in velvet. metal cloaked itself in silk. what it was, he didn’t know. what it was, he didn’t care to know. he, who searched for answers in everything, did not mind going answerless this once. “ ah, don’t sell parasites so short, ” he replied, waving a hand. “ recall john donne: in this flea, our two bloods mingled be. parasites may, in fact, be the very epitome of romance. ”

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and so in that moment constantin decided that he simply did not mind whatever it was that he was feeling. that he would allow this pot of melting emotions to overcome him until there was nothing of his old self. gone where the fears of amounting to nothing. gone was the self hate that allowed him to hide from others. gone what had once made him terrified of pulling away from his family’s expectations. everything he was. everything that made him. it had all boiled over and flowed away, leaving the barest form of himself for demir. to demir. because of demir.

his body melted forward on the chair, still sitting properly but somehow more relaxed. hand settling back against the table cloth, closer to demir but still far enough. willingly giving himself to the moments happening around him, the never ending motions of life. the moreau patriarch voice of conscious silent for once, its judgmental words had disappeared.  there was no fear in his heart only silence.

“do you truly find them to be the epitome of romance? for me they are the opposite,” he said thoughtfully, mouth pursing in thought. “parasites the likes of leeches are common, in today’s age, vessels of healing. i once saw in a nature channel a video of a man using leeches to lower the swelling.” brushing his fingertips against the centerpiece, giving his hand something to do while he talked. “in that moment the leeched stuck to the area swollen with blood, and became the vessel for it instead. so, i feel like we shouldn’t confuse parasites with romance, for they might mix the blood of two in one common place, but who is to say they aren’t stealing that romance away rather than uniting it?”

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“Oh, is that so? Look at you finding a spot no one else has yet. Are you some kind of foodie influencer now?” Estelle teased, eyeing him over her menu. It was still a little hard to believe that after everything, Constantin had reached out but she was thrilled. It felt normal, if anything could feel normal around here anymore. 

To think you could simply get lost one day and find yourself in a restaurant like this. Something that felt like your own little secret. Or as he had so perfectly put it, untouched…what a novel concept. But she understood. “I wish so many things could remain untouched. Something you could love without the rest of the world butting in.” Like their relationship…or whatever it was they could call it. If only she could go back and make sure no one ever saw that video. Even if she had tried her best to patch things up - everyone knew you could patch up the cracks in a mirror but you would always be able to see them. 

The waiter came by and Estelle was quick to order them a bottle of red wine, something she was sure he would like and even if he didn’t, Constantin had never been the type to complain. Once their orders had been placed and the menus were out of the way, the blonde had to stop herself from reaching across the table to take his hand, though she wanted to. “I was surprised to hear from you. Happy, of course, but I wasn’t expecting it.”

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Did Constantin feel guilty about what he had found with Demir? Here was the girl that played them at the same time, and yet it also brought them together. In a twisted turn of fate, Constantin had found a connection thanks to this. Demir was a bright orange sunset on an otherwise gloomy day, and he had Estelle to thank for. So, he must ask himself again was it out of guilt that he had found himself back in a restaurant, sitting in front of her? He did not know, and he did not care to figure it out. All he wanted to do was survive this dinner without blurting something hurtful out, not that he would but he didn’t want the option to exist.

A part inside of him still felt deeply for her, because everything had been so sudden he hadn’t actually allowed himself to work through those emotions. His mind allowed him to see the wrong in her actions, but his heart called to reunite with what they once had. There was no doubt that he missed her, that a part of him still wanted her around. That’s why he had brought her to his favorite restaurant of the moment, inviting her into a safe space of his. “Wouldn’t that be ideal? Except, the world wants and wants. All we can do is cherish the memories, and let go of the rest.”

Humming in approval over the wine choice, knowing he’d end up ordering another before the night was over. Moving his hand to tap his fingers against his water glass, smiling softly at the small laugh she evoked. She still made him laugh, and maybe she still made him happy. “I wasn’t expecting it was well, but here we are. Learning to expect the unexpected.”