constant conversations between us

At times we allocate ourselves to many roles as to what and who we are, and how we can fully exercise that into finding any form of catharsis, or feeling like you’re finally in your element. One time I could be an actor wearing multiple masks, playing different roles, desiring to step out of my own skin and stepping into another’s shoes so that I can feel a sense of purpose, a sense of stability and assurance that I am who I am.

Other times, I’m a merchant. Riddled with the overthought of whether what I have to offer is worth being sold, worth being displayed for the world to take a gander and see if it is something they’re willing to buy. At another time, I probably was a merchant again that held that confidence. That held that affirmation on my shoulders. It wasn’t much but it was mine.

Yet in this current time, in this current context, I am the merchant trying to convince that the goods I have to offer are of any quality, despite being the manufacturer of it and knowing what the hard work of that results to.

And then you came along, and when I thought you were just window shopping, you decided to stay and spend time at my shop. You took the time to listen to me, to test out the products, and you saw the potential. You saw the quality that I need not try to convince you of as it spoke for itself. And you came back, you continued to do so.

You started to bring out times of me being the confident merchant to the present, and it was no longer a time I reminisced as it was here again already. Presently. It was never lost, it was always there and it coming back was inevitable. I would’ve woken up one day and looked at my shop and appreciated how this was built with my own hands. You were the catalyst, and you’ve quickly and continuously become the muse.

It has gotten to the point, welcomed, that I implement customer loyalty, as it’s proven to be a working business model; and you need not to worry about having an empty wallet as your loyalty and your active and conscious decision to come by my shop anyway has already made its mark.

I’ve never thought of myself being lucky. What with all the obstacles it took to open the shop I offer, and the inflicted doubt on my worth as a merchant, it’s easy to not want to subscribe into such a power that felt like it had purposefully excluded me from its orbit…yet I find myself lucky to have met you, as I would’ve otherwise might’ve stayed docile and dormant. I would’ve closed shop and kept it locked. Cold and bitter enough to fog up what was in front of me, coming from me, affect cause of me…and you came.

What could be an endless pit of what ifs, could have beens and if only’s; this is where we both end up. This is the world we breathe in and it’s you in front me, and me to you fully entrusted and in faith, believing you are just the rapport I’ve been looking for. Even if you cannot see it, even if you are adamant on wanting to have something to give, you fail to see how you’ve already given me everything I needed and more. And you continue to by continuing to stop by my shop. Every day, you walk in and you sit to have a conversation with me. You speak softly to me, well versed in my mantra and demeanor, you know what I sell and you still come back every time. That must mean you already believe that I’m not going anywhere, and that what I could provide already aligns with what you were looking for to begin with.

And if conversations are all we’ll have, then we can spend all day doing that until we both have to clock out and that in itself is enrichment enough. But, if in transparency, with the way you speak, the way we speak, the words we share, the care we bare…ot poses as if , if you really think about it, we are pulling a game of tug of war against each other when it’s seeming like we’ve both been on the same side the entire time. So in that case, in this scenario at this time, you need not demand or wonder what can you give, as you believe seemingly empty or in doubt, because you’ve already made me feel validated. You’ve made me feel scared. And excited. Curious. Joyful. Playful. Explicit in my full unbecoming, and into more openness, all with a strong foundation of trust. You’ve allowed me to understand you and be understood. We’ve surpassed our insecurities, our walls we’ve built and we’ve been able to see each other eye to eye with complete transparency so, how can you say you’ve nothing to offer when you’ve done the work in complete pure honesty and intention?

We’ve all made active decisions. Conscious ones. Me opening shop and baring my blood, sweat and tears was of my own volition. You deciding to come back over and over, ever so gently always genuine in intent coming back to show to me just how much value I offer. How genuine my jewels are to shine bright when light is thrust upon it, regardless of the when and where’s. The how’s and why’s, it was always going to shine; but it would not fully be realized if it wasn’t for your hand holding it up for the light to break through.

And I light up the strip, as do you…this is our doing; we. Ours. This is my power, and there is yours. And one does not diminish the other, instead I’ve already seen the rapport. I’ve seen the potential, and it’s only a matter of the two of us reaching for it together. The beauty that that could entail. The power that we, in unison, could have. The content. The excitement. The fear. The gamble.

Being a merchant means having to gamble, we never know how it’ll go. And you’ve proven and made clear you’ve seen the value in my shop; so who is to say you can’t trust the cards being in our favor with this gamble. A royal flush.

I have this quiet confidence, continuously growing, transcending more than this ship. More than just my body. And none of that would ever feel satisfying, or fulfilling, or complete without you. And I don’t doubt your absence, your loyalty has been proven. I only wish I could someday prove to you that this model is neither selfish, or preempted for high profit return. It is because I see the value in you as a customer in my shop, and you see the twinkle in my eyes.

Here we stand in my shop, worrying about whether or not we’re making the right calls when we never needed to call anything, as it’s already been reaching out to us. In front of us, and it’s only a matter of focusing on the greener pastures you and I could reach together. Almost unimaginable as it is devoid of any hesitancy, any fear, any nihilism. Yet you believe my passion in what I sell, you see me. So shouldn’t that be enough reassurance and affirmation that all while unimaginable, it maintains authenticity and confidence. It maintains the autonomy and the power to shift it to our favor and we relish and bask in it. And in patience too, no less.

You’ve been the birds that chirp in the background as I step outside for the sun. You speak to me, and of me, like a ballad persisting through the roles we play now et al. And in turn you make me feel my skin. My place. My identity, all of which beautifully sandwiched in between my loyalty and my never boring, never ending pursuit in showing you my desire and dedication in getting you to believe that for yourself on your side as it already goes without saying on mine.

You’ve already locked me in, you get access to all the perks and benefits. It’s yours for the taking, and mine to offer and give to you, regardless of the worries you have of not being able to give because you’ve already done so and more. So these products are yours for the taking. And this isn’t on any rash decisions, or half baked certainties; you’ve done the time and the steps to show me how much of a valued and loyal customer you’ve been. You’ve earned this response to be completely vulnerable yet confident in you being deserving of the customer loyalty approach. You reap these rewards, these unmoving promises, because you’re not lacking of having enough to give. It’s already yours, and you get to do with that what you desire.

It’s a matter of whether or not you wanna accept them and confront them, allowing yourself the benefit of the doubt that maybe…just maybe…what I’ve been selling is the jackpot. And you’ve already hit it. And it’s not going anywhere. It’s gonna open the doors for a lot more invited chaos, earnest new adventures and who knows where, not just I or you but, we both could end up.

Dreamland

I dream of giving you the life you want with me being involved in it, wishfully. dreaming.

I dream of being the woman i truly am and can be, and i dream of being a person he falls in love with beyond just that but because of what’s been developing in the core. This bond we share.

It’s beautifully already working itself out with us on the basis of friendship, i dream of the magic it could be when that’s translated into romance. I dream it’ll feel emotionally cathartic for you as it would be for me.

In my dreams, i feel like ive had conversations about this. About the fear of trying out what we could be could bring, but i think the excitement and confidence in there truly bring something beautiful - even if it was not meant to last in that way, would still be beautiful enough on its own to leave a mark and not tarnish what we’ve both already built for ourselves as a foundation.

In dreamland, i see myself getting older with you. By your side. You calling me yours, and yours being mine. I dream of the unfortunately impossibilities becoming our sanctuary.

I dream of marrying you, of getting to speak highly of you, getting to listen to you, getting to vent to you, getting to experience more of the world with you as my partner. As my endgame. I dream of carrying your kids, having them.

I dream of us building a better future for the family you and i could create, could easily have. Or not at all, if that’s not what’s on the card for us. My point being, i dream of a world where i am your princess.

And i just want to be seen and felt that that sight is true, and I don’t want it to be anybody else but you.

I dream. I stay in dreamland as long as I can until I have to wake up and come to terms that wanting something so badly and pleasing it, dreaming it, manifesting it can only do so much.

But why…why must I be bound to the chains of the reality of this world? Why can we not bend the rules? If it makes sense and it feels earnest, why can’t we try?

Maybe in dreamland, that world is only around the corner.

Heavy breathing like the thunder that roars relentlessly on a stormy night

A rush surging through my body like a wave crashing against the shore of a secluded beach, filled with seashells and salt in the air

I avoid eye contact, walking the line of being calm and pulling my hair

Your presence feels needed, wanted, craved

like a needle to an addict, I chase the highs and lows despite everything leaving me afraid.

For once, my nervous system responds to trust that you shelter and offer

My knuckles turned white from the thought of you as a lover

Panting. Panting. Panting.

I try to regulate my breathing,

But what point is breathing without wanting or yearning?

I make peace with the journey entailing validating my feelings and sitting with them

Stasis in melancholy, awake even in REM

Constantly walking my fingers down my own arms, watching the hairs on my skin stand

Like the way your eyes do whenever our eyes meet, magnetic in the unplanned

I feel a greenhouse of butterflies built inside of me, and you are the sun that shines bright allowing all of my garden to feel sustenance for eternity

oh god, I can’t help it for the life of me.

Like lava touching ice for the first time, like the constant in birds migrating;

I feel a fiery change, a necessary shift, guided and warranted by the inevitable, in burning out quickly, yet I still feel closer and closer to you regardless of high staking.

you’re a breath of fresh air, and you make me breathe a lot. Heavy. Panting. panting. Panting.

I try to maintain the composure I wish you would so demandingly strip away from me

But until then, I’ll remain quiet and tucked in, asking if I should turn right at the next exit.

annoying.

you’re so annoying. the way you talk to me, how confident you now sound in knowing me, in seeing me. And even in the little surprises of your vernacular in talking to me, it’s changed. you’ve become playful, you’ve become confident almost as if you knew what and how intensely i feel about you.

and you’re right. ok? annoying.

if only i could be completely honest to you about how much you mean to me, even putting aside all the deep and internal parts of why i have fallen for you, and basing it entirely on the physical. on what’s tangible…you drive me crazy and it’s annoying.

it’s annoying how you don’t understand just how much i am willing and aching to want to please you. to make you happy. to do as you say, to follow every instruction you give me and make sure i do it 110% just to see you pleased with my performance. you make me so vulnerable and submissive and you don’t understand just how much that initiates this trigger in me to just go feral, to just go absolutely undone for you. i want to be able to do everything and be everything you want, for you.

if only you knew the power you held over me, that i so desperately give with consent, and how i wish you’d use that on me. how i wish you’d consent to reciprocating that.

i crave your hand to open the door for me, holding mine and leading me in and pushing me to do exactly everything that pleases you.

to see you, or even the thought of, being satisfied because of me and because of what i wish upon you telling me to do, persuades me as something so beautiful, filled with content and more. filled with ecstasy and euphoria.

i am a stubborn, bratty, mood, self preserving bitch. and yet i fully consent and crave for you to demand me to please you. to demand to explore what that could mean.

and i hate how it feels like you already know all this, and yet nothing happens. i understand why. but it doesn’t mean it can’t be annoying to me. it’s annoying how you make me want to carry your kids, defy biology and have them for you. give that future to you, just be yours. ugh. annoying.

because i just want to so badly be there for you, with you, please you, lift you up, make you feel and believe you’re the greatest man to me. because you are.

you are so beautiful, so attractive, and i am pretty. so it doesn’t make sense why we shouldn’t work. i just want you to consume me, and this time i’ve done the world to hold myself to not allow it to leave me alone and dry at the end of it even if things don’t work out.

you’re so beautiful. and i hate how you’ve put me in a constant state of ovulation, of wanting to just completely unbecome myself with your hands guiding me and taking a hold. you are such a beautiful and strong man and i just want to make you feel like that in ways that i know i can. but i understand. you’re so. annoying.

this year was a lot. ive read somewhere online it was the year of the snake; and that this year warranted a lot of layers shedding, a lot of unraveling. And ive felt that, I’ve felt my skin unbecoming as I learn more about myself.

recently ive started to undergo a sense of identity and what that identity was, or is. I’ve become more and more insane, spiraling, thinking about the root that was planted to have grown into a tree full of worry and self doubt.

i hate to bring this to a man being the cause of it when it really isn’t. I’ve felt this need to shed my skin and become somewhere closer to the core of my being. It’s been a thought i had kept locked inside a chamber for the longest time.

Yet you brought it out of me. Experiencing my feelings for you and just how deep and real they’re begun to burrow through, has been a whirlwind.

It’s amazing to like you, to just be near you, and to feel so intensely about you because you always deserve it. You’ve proven time and time again that you are worthy of that praise. And you being there, and being so nice, after continously learning more and more about each other; I’ve come to the conclusion of just how painfully and beautifully real my feelings are for you.

And it is in that confidence and in that lightness that i see myself becoming, realizing, that it has dawned on me how distant ive grown to who I really am fully realized to appreciate this kind of catharsis and metamorphosis I’ve felt inside me internally.

i like your cap. tacky gucci branding but overpowered by the earnest fact that it is yours and an extension of who you are, it’s beautiful.

there’s a snake on it, your cap. and it reminds me of how pivotal you’ve been in making me feel whole. Making me feel complete and seen, as if the blinds in this room i have locked myself in have finally been opened and the rays of the sun gets to blissfully touch the crevices of my skin, my body.

i see how i have to shed a lot of my skins this year before i step into the next, filled with joy in the anticipation of what this melancholy and candor inside me can bring. and this is a skin i am learning to shed with a lot more openness and vulnerability.

And I would be a liar to not give your name credit in the process of that. My love for you has surpassed all these materialistic and physical obstacles and it has transcended to wanting to be with you as my true self. As what I believe i am.

i feel the beauty in shedding skin is it feels like a clean slate, it feels like as if i am able to start new and have beautiful and positive things receive me for who i am. selfishness is involved, for sure, as i hope you’re there at the forefront proving my desires. showing me that i am not crazy in putting you at such a pedestal because of how much you’ve contributed at a healthy balance and extent as to what ny priorities should be; me.

i like your cap. it feels symbolic, it feels poetic. you owning and wearing it, associating that cap alone to your being in my world, has become such a beautiful and eye opening journey. you’ve made me see myself the way i should see myself, and it is because of that i love you more than i can ever beg to the universe to understand to pave our paths towards each other.

i like your cap. it’s yours. it’s you. and i love how you wear it because you are the person that makes me yearn and believe in not only better for myself because i needed that push; but because when i think of it - i think of you. i think of your eyes; your lashes; your smile; your laugh; your scent; your demeanor. everything about you. it’s you. and you being you has made me feel beautiful.

i just wish you see me that way too…beautiful. because all I ever want is to be beautiful for me, and be beautiful - validating those thoughts - to the ones that got me to open my eyes to see that.

selfishness into account, i just wish it could be more than just seeing me as beautiful, but seeing me as beautiful enough to want to see and be with alongside you.

but maybe that is also a skin i would have to shed. all i’ll say is i’d be lying if i didn’t say that there isnt a thought in me that thinks that the final form I have is enough to show you just how much i am worth your time. but until then, i shall be thankful of your cap. admiring it for what it represents, and extending, what you as a person represent to me.

fear.

We spoke about fear tonight. It came by in conversation. We didn’t start it off that way but somehow it found its way towards the tips of our tongues.

We simmered in the notion that fear masks excitement. How a lot of what scares us teases us with greener pastures on the other end of the line. I spoke on how fear talks of my excitement to overcome, you praised how that’s the greatest win of all. Overcoming it.

And I buy the words you sell.

But then I lament on the fear I have of telling you how I really feel about falling for you. How it, like a hurricane, dishevels my capability to maintain the thoughts of you and I from cascading out of control, running a muck.

I fear about telling you how much I fear the heartbreak that is inevitable when someone else sees the beauty in you I see, the absolute genuine raw beauty that you are as a person and the life being with you provokes - and she believes it. Sold. And you’d be so genuine and happy and in love. And I’d be so happy for you. I can never not wish the best for you.

But I fear about what that’ll do to me. How that’ll ultimately make me feel deep inside. Like I was transformed into immortal flesh bound to desire death, stabbing my own heart over and over and just never succeeding in relieving myself of only ever getting to just love you from a distance. And my heart seeks to be pure in its intent in wanting the best of you, but it also bleeds from a thousand stab wounds, with no promise of death to silence it all.

I fear in telling you how deeply this is starting to grow because I fear you would ultimately think it is best for us to not be so close anymore. To not be the best friends we are.

And how can I be so selfish too?

I’ve never felt like I had gotten anything I truly wanted, especially not without a strenuous fight. And so I’ve built it up in my head that I deserve to get what I want. To think positively for myself, to want to yearn for love. But I believe it’s starting to get to the point wherein it’s become selfish.

But I love him…so much so, I question if someone was to feel so strongly for someone yet the only boundary is my body and my pronouns; then surely I must be in the wrong body.

But I don’t want my identity to be formed or associated to him. I just believe my emotions and feelings and how I see myself happy is with him, and I feel like the only thing between us is my fear of confronting what and who I really may be.

fear. it’s so exciting, yet also so very obviously scary. What to do….what to do….

I think. And I think.

I think about earlier...

We spoke about fear tonight. It came by in conversation. We didn’t start it off that way but somehow it found its way towards the tips of our tongues.

I don’t know if it’s a little weird to say all this, yeah it can be, but that’s why I leave my feelings to sit in silent moments we share together. I engulf myself in this unconditional and yearning love I have for you because it feels like even those crumbs are enough to sustain me of the kind of lightness thinking of you, and seeing you in this manner, causes me already. To think about receiving your love in its entirety; in lust and in care, as your friend and as your partner, as the headaches you give me at times, I only dream of getting the chance to live in that world with you so vividly - and you my undying loyalty. My pain healing, and the roots growing through the cracked cement floors.

I dream about holding your hand a lot more, feeling our fingers intertwined. My palms, that of which reads my universe, resting against yours. I dream about resting my head on your shoulders, or yours on mine, as I listen to your breathing; distracting myself from mine fluttering.

I think I am starting to fall in love with you, if not already deeply in it. I believe it’s beyond superficiality, beyond lust, beyond just caring about you, beyond questions and projections, beyond my desire to find connection; I think I love you because of everything I continue to learn about you. The way you make me see the world with more anticipation, more excitement, more moments around me that remind me of how beautiful this all can still be.

You make me desire to write poetry I’ve yet to do so, with such tenderness and delicacy, all while still raw and vulnerable; because you unearth those visceral aspects inside of me. You unravel me, and I wish that was enough but all that does is give me a taste of what and how fruitful the love we have for each other beyond just the confines of being can be.

You are so beautiful. So handsome. So funny. So charming. So smart. So caring. So hot. So endearing in ways you can’t even imagine. You are so many things and versions that I want to keep finding out and being a part of.

As you see me shed my layers, and thus far you still embrace; i just want to fall into your arms and you hold me gently. And I look into your eyes and in that, you believe every word I try to expand and explain simply to convey how beautiful you make me feel, you make this world, how beautiful I see you to be.

God, wow. I am in love with you. Even if pain awaits, I want to profess how much I am still in love with you anyway.

And yet I fear, constantly really, that you simply won’t ever comprehend just how much I do. And if I can’t love you the way I want to, I wish to love you the way you want me to. And I will forever yearn for you. And I truly am so in love with you, that maybe that is alright for now.