all of my flaws are counted

I just wanted to say that I am doing ok. I took a long, long break from all things I had in my life related to my mental illnesses which included this blog. I haven't seen my therapist in a long time either, or spoken to my counsellor in over a year. I don't know what made me do this...I just didn't want to think or feel. So I kind of disconnected myself from everything. It felt good in a way but I also haven't made much progress in terms of my negative thoughts. If anyone is reading this, message me with how you are going and what has been happening with you.

I literally feel dead inside. I feel like everything I do that should make me feel happy or just SOMETHING makes me feel nothing. There is something so wrong with me and everybody should stay so goddamn far away from me. People will tell me that there is nothing wrong with me but the fucking voice in my head that tells me there is something so wrong with me completely drowns out any other noise. And where the fuck is my therapist. She has fucking given up on me and I am just falling apart. I feel like I'm falling apart. But I have to fucking just keep going because what the fuck else am I going to do. I get these strong fucking urges to jump in front of a bus or crash my car but if you tell anyone that they overact and treat you like you are stupid. I doubt I would ever do it but it comforts me to know that there is a way out. And that's what i'm desparate for is a fucking way out of my head. And it fucks me up because as soon as you mention that there is something a bit different with your thoughts or your head then people treat you like you are insane. So who the hell am I meant to tell. I know everyone's reactions. "there is nothing wrong with you", "you're a lovely girl", "you're special to me". FUCK drives me insane because I'm fucking nothing. Argh i just cant explain how frustrated i am. And i'm so fucking scared. I'm so so so scared to the point where it hurts. I'm so scared oh god I'm just frightened and i'm sitting in my room perfectly fine arent i but i'm just so goddamn scared so so scared. I used to be so afraid as a little girl that i wished i was dead. I was ten and i wished i was dead because i was so fucking frightened. And nothing has fucking changed and that scares me too for fucks sake. Just round and round in circles. I sound so fucking insane but I need to just let everything out. Whatever it doesn't matter.