calcium

i grew up in a violent household. typical “filipino upbringing” where kids are expected to obey, endure, and keep quiet. i learned to absorb everything, and now it feels like i’m still doing that even as an adult. my mom calls, she vents, and i listen, but it sinks into me like poison. i can’t switch it off.

i’ve been diagnosed with major depression, maybe more than that. i had to stop my meds. sometimes when it’s too much i smash things. it scares me, but i don’t know how else to release it.

i want to move farther away, start over, but i can’t. i keep thinking about them. and i keep thinking about my younger brother, he’s only 16, still stuck in that house. i’m scared he’ll end up like me, carrying all this pain, repeating the same cycle.

this is also one of the reasons why my partner and i decided not to have kids. we’re putting a stop to this curse.

i know i deserve my own life. my own peace. my own freedom. and maybe if i find a way to break away, i can at least show my brother that it’s possible.