Conflicted Peace of Mind

It cracks you open and breaks you down in every way imaginable. Completely shifting your paradigm, and all that you thought you knew to be true about yourself and the world. It strips away everything you were hiding behind so that all that’s left is you and what’s real.

I no longer had the false identities of my physical appearance, athletic ability, wit, or smarts. I no longer was able to distract myself through partying, high, achieving in school, or the constant stimulation of music, TV, friends, and activities…

My life slowed down. And I was forced to face myself. I had no choice. I was confined to the silent isolation of my bedroom. All I had was time to think. Rawly and honestly about myself and my life. Not just about these recent traumatic years, but my entire life up until that point.

I had gone numb long before my illness. My go to move when experiencing negative emotions and dark thoughts throughout childhood and adolescence was to bottle up, shove away, and pretend it didn’t exist. As if tucking it all away was somehow keeping me safe from what I didn’t understand about myself.

My illness has been the catalyst for facing all of it. The cork pop on the shaken up bottle of champagne that is my life.

At this time, as I’m getting physically stronger and mentally more sound, I’m in the process of becoming “unstuck” from the numbness and disassociation of my trauma response. It’s not a choice, it’s just happening.

And it’s scary to face everything you’ve been tucking away… But it’s also necessary. True, deep, transformative healing, requires being courageous enough to look at your past, your wounds, mistakes, and unjust ask committed against you.

Fully feeling and moving through the emotions of those experiences. And offering acceptance, love, compassion, and forgiveness to yourself, and anyone else involved. Finding value in the whole story… Through the life lessons of lived experience.

Part of me doesn’t want to go through this process because it means letting go. And in some ways letting go feels like saying what’s happened is okay. But really, it’s just me deciding to move on. Deciding that present day Anna deserves joy, happiness, and love more than past Anna is owed justice and retribution.

•••

I kept convincing myself that you cared. & not because I needed you to, but because I was scared to face what it would mean if you didn’t. What wounds it would touch, what pain it would resurface, what false conclusions it would have me drawing about myself… It was never about you, it was about what you represented.

•••

The cruelest part was how you would pull me back in when you knew you weren’t going to stay. Kept me guessing instead of telling me you didn’t care. Said maybe someday when you knew that day would never come. The cruelest part was how you held my heart captive, and broke it, not just once, but as many times as you could manage— a million little times.

•••