come out with us

hello again sunshine,

Don't apologize, we are always here to help with any and all the feelings!

Since I am not a certified relationship expert I can give you what I have acquired from experience.....

#1. Do not, I repeat DO NOT write her a letter. That's what I did, and even four years later, I flinch when I know that those words are still there, on that page, somewhere in her possession

#2. Only tell her when you feel you can't take the not telling her any longer, when you feel there have been enough signs and moments to go for it.

#3. Don't prepare a speech. Generally, people get scared when you start with "it's been a long time, and there's been something I've always wanted to tell you, something that is hard for me to say..." Yeah, no. People don't like that. Just be frank and simple and honest. A longer monologue won't influence her answer and you'll forget it in the moment anyway.

#4. Don't arbitrarily pick a day to tell her and psyche yourself up and do that thing where you get all nervous and act weird until she asks you what is wrong. Instead, try waiting for a moment you feel calm and it just comes naturally.

When the moment comes, talk. It is that simple. I can't tell you what to say, it'll just come babbling out. Nice and messy.

Hullo,

So you're questioning your sexuality....

First off, it is almost universally accepted that the coming out process involves a crush on a best friend - ask any lesbian. So congratulations on hitting a real milestone and right of passage.

If you are unsure, all we can tell you is it takes time, time to know yourself, see who you are attracted to, date people, be with people and learn just to go with it, without questioning or condemning yourself. Know yourself first and be honest about who you are and what you want. Self repression is the purest form of misery.

We were thrilled to hear you have someone to lean on during the rough patches. Would you consider telling her how you feel? Do you think she may feel the same?

Hey nonny, (this is ami by the way)

There's a hell of a lot of terms within the queer community, and while it's awesome that there's more ways to describe individual varying identities, it can be difficult to keep track of what they all mean. 

The following is my interpretation of the terms you've mentioned based on personal knowledge that I've accumulated over time. Please, dear followers, shoot us a message if you think there is anything that should be changed/worked on! We appreciate the critique :)

Nonbinary: In terms of gender identity, I interpret non-binary as similar to genderqueer in the sense that this refers to the identity of a person who does not identify in the gendered categories of either male or female, so they choose to not identify within the confines of the male/female gender binary. Simply put, instead of choosing a gender, they may choose neither. Sometimes non-binary people will prefer different pronouns, such as they/them as opposed to gendered pronouns. However, non-binary or not, I find it's always good to ask what pronouns people prefer :)

Pansexual: I've always interpreted a pansexual identity to mean that a person focuses on personality etc more than gender when pursuing romantic encounters (*saucy wink*). I see pansexual as open to just about anyone, regardless of sexual orientation or gender identity. 

Queer: One of my favourite words! For this definition, let me refer you to a comic by one of my favourite web comic writers, Erika Moen 

http://www.erikamoen.com/comics-portfolio/queer/

Thanks for writing! 

first off, congratulations on accepting yourself as bisexual. sometimes knowing and accepting yourself can be the hardest part of coming out. good for you for living honestly. 

now for this girl you like....when you say signs, what kind of signs do you mean?

in my experience, close friends are very perceptive, they know you the best after all, and if they are making those kind of couple jokes, it is usually because they are on the right track, that there is a chemistry and ease between the two of you that your friends are picking up on. 

how much time do you spend together now? are you comfortable with the idea of one day telling her, no matter her reaction? Again, in my experience having feelings for a good friend, it was better to tell her, though in my case she didn't feel the same way, we are still good friends and I no longer have to carry all that around with me. Honesty, though a cliche, is always the better option, if only for yourself. 

tell us more and we might be able to proffer more help. (this was kate btw)

hmmmm....this is a puzzler. (this is kate btw) and I understand what you meant about homophobic parents, I'm the daughter of two myself. my dad is more open than my mum and thinks it is my life and my choice (but the idea of me having kids with a woman is laughable to him) and my mum is Baptist and of the mind that this is disgusting and something to never discuss with people. so i understand. I told my parents five years ago and since then I have been struggling not to resort to old patterns of trying desperately to be straight (the occasional hetero blind date for good measure, never calling him back, a crush at work...) none of it worked though I wished it would for everyone's sake. it would be easier, but I would be miserable. and i was. I am now in a loving relationship with a woman, have been for nearly a year. i found the support and love from her family, for holidays and movie nights and i feel myself slowly beginning to heal. things are difficult with mine but i would rather that because now i wake up happy, i have dinner with a family that knows and accepts us, i walk the dogs with her mum every day. the thing I have learned is though it hurts to seek that support and not find it in your own immediate family, you can build another- whether it is your partner's family, or your friends and the people you hand pick to surround and support you everyday. in a way that can be freeing and exciting.

now if you feel the attraction to this woman is mutual and undeniable, i'd suggest talking to her about it over jumping right in. you want to know if you're on the same page, if she has ever been with a woman or has a desire to, if she and her husband are monogamous, if you are both open to the idea of a physical relationship, that kinda thing. it is tricky because she is married. are you yourself comfortable with coming second to her husband? are you comfortable with knowing that this relationship (if one begins) would most likely be a short term one, most likely one that is hidden? these are things you need to start with and sort out for yourself, to save yourself a lot of surprises and pain. if you are still for it, talk to her and see what happens. you can't go on brushing arms forever.

happy birthday to Ami, co-founder of comeoutwithus, my hot little woman and the love of my life. xx