i love you

No one reads these which is okay <3 this can just be for me, or for anyone.

Sometimes you will feel so amazing and spiritual. You will feel like everything is going right and your life is exactly as it’s supposed to be.

Sometimes you’ll be brought back down. Into this human body. You’ll be reminded of your humaneness through everything- your full stomach as you nurse a belly of not so good food (ramen and alcohol for me) or a head full of not so good thoughts. Thoughts that tell you you’re wrong, bad. Thoughts that tell you you’re not on the right track. That you’re lost. That you’re alone.

It’s okay. I want you to know it’s okay. Sometimes you are human. Sometimes you are light. It’s all part of it. You’re not lost, or wrong, or on the wrong track. You are on your path. You are learning. You are learning to navigate a human experience in all your confusion, in all your loss, in all your hurt. It is okay. You are here, and that’s enough. You are loved, no matter when you feel it and when you don’t. You are so loved.

I love you so much, and I want you to feel it. Even when you feel alone. Especially when you feel alone. You are loved by me, by the universe. We love you so much, and you are here.

That’s enough. Let yourself be, and keep going.

I love you, but we’re not right.

I love you, and you love me. Though you carry this love with a naivety. You told me I’m your future, just the other day- all I could think was how I’ll throw that love away. We can’t move forward, we can’t move back. We’re stuck the way we are, our growth stunted and hacked. I feel like we’re pretending, constantly at odds, with the people that we were and the people that we are. I’m sorry that we thought this love was all there was- I’m sorry that we thought that it would be enough.

I don’t know how to say it. I don’t know how to leave. I don’t know how to tell you how special you are to me. I need you to know that you’re everything I want. I need you to know that it’s not your fault. I need you to know that it was worth it, all of it. We were young, and in love.

For many, this can be morbid. For me, it’s realistic. It’s how I feel many days. Life is unfair. I don’t want to kill myself, but I don’t really want to exist either. Do I do it, or do I just deal with it?

That I understood myself, and my path.

That my faith wasn’t in vain.

That I can have the life I dream of.

Trying to make my pain into poetry

Only works when I have a second to breathe

You see, I can’t make poetic similes

When all I can do is dry heave

I wish I could turn my pain into art

Having it flow from my fingers untouched

But as soon as I put words to a feeling