this is my soul

every time i am disappointed or upset or hurt in some way i have to be fucking horrible about it crawling on my knees ohh ask me whats wrong ask me why im oh so miserable and i'll wax poetic about how i have the worst life Ever! i am not original or inspiring i am fuckign pathetic and all i've ever wanted was for people to feel Very Sorry for me as if that would do anything at all. what will i do for attention today i will slice up my thighs and manufacture tears about something that has no relevance and i can only remember in unemotional slivers! oh do you love me yet? do you feel sorry? am i your pathetic little doe eyed deer and will you please hold me to sleep? i won't ask for it though you have to do it because you loooove me even though i'm miserable. unless i feel mean about things and i'll go cold and then stare at you like i won't beg for your attention tomorrow morning and cry myself sick because i miss your touch and i can't sleep alone without a whole lot of pills until my throat is chalky and bitter. i make myself sick. i fucking suck. all i do is spend other people's monehy and cry cry cry on the phone and to anyone who is unlucky enough to think i am pretty. it's all so fake i do all this shit because i feel i would die if i am not in control but what am i even in control of? leave me alone leave me alone but please don't go