hey it's me :•)

“Am I the only one who—” yes. You’re all alone. And nobody shares your experiences or loves you. And you’re floating on a raft in a dark ocean and there’s sharks and squids trying to get you and lightning is crashing and the water is choppy and black

Get your ducks in a row. Now get them in a circle. Get them in a Socratic seminar with that duck in the middle. Get them in a mosh pit. Get them moshing. Get them moshing.

guy currently hurtling toward a migraine at a rate that would impress most astrophysicists: i wonder wgat is happening in my beautiful telephone

see unfortunately I have this condition where if I am not explicitly told that I am a part of the ingroup then I will assume I must be part of the outgroup

i know you said we ride at dawn but i’m not a morning person actually. can we ride after lunch

*introducing myself to the guards who caught me* seized to meet you

As a kid, I wasn’t allowed to touch the hot stove with my bare hands. But now I get to do it whenever I want

i was abandoned as a baby & raised by a wild pack of cigarettes

the thing about piracy is that i know i deserve everything for free forever

worry about it kitten daddy fucked up

the clock app always picks the numbers for you but in calculator the numbers can be anything you want

1 beer in and i start telling people to surrender

i’m online and ready to look at a picture!

bro lemme show u how sex REALLY works *picks up large rock from forest ground*

the bus is never going to come because im a bad person

computa put the light back in my homies eyes

yeah, sure, it was the "power of friendship" that defeated you, and not my super cool "mega bone explosions" spell that I worked really hard on, whatever idiot