Starlet

First, I'll generally start with the cadence and rhythm of the song.

There's a steady, soft chord repetition that the song always drifts back to, giving it a monotonous rhythm that mimics the way Monoma zones out when he's caught in a figment of his imagination, or a stray memory. The past that haunts him has become a part of his every day, like the steps you take or how you breathe. In and out.

But it's unnerving, isn't it?

The song hits the chorus and the anxiety sets in. Vocals hit higher notes. They warble.

Then, they'll settle back down.

And the cycle continues.

Until the song rewinds.

Time rewinds.

Monoma watches Kaminari forget again.

And the song continues...

It's PAINFUL!

Now, onto the lyrics...

"I held the better cards / But every stroke of luck has gotta bleed through"

This feels like every time Monoma touches his scars and has the urge to dig into them. He has his life, but it feels like the joy of having it rarely stays.

"It's like you told me / Go forward slowly / It's not a race to the end"

I imagine the memory of Kaminari giving Monoma his tie and telling him to not worry. Young Monoma worried about so much and Kaminari always tried to ease him. He still does.

"Well, you look like yourself / But you're somebody else / Only it ain't on the surface"

This one is clearly a reference to the medical experimentation that Kaminari underwent. I think more often than not Kaminari is the one looking in the mirror and feeling like he doesn't know who he is looking at. Monoma actually does see him, but Kaminari feels like he's only half of who he's supposed to be.

BUT WAIT THIS IS MONOMA TOO?! Because he looks in the mirror and his hair literally changed because of Kaminari. UGH! But deeper inside they both changed because of death and loss. I'M SOBBING!

"Well, you talk like yourself / No, I hear someone else though / Now you're making me nervous"

This breaks my heart, as I imagine every time Monoma thinks he sees or hears Kage. It more often than not sends him into a spin as he remembers why his friend is gone.

"You were the better part / Of every bit of beating heart that I had / Whatever I had"

Monoma literally feels like his heart beats only because Kaminari righted it. Figuratively, he feels like he has only become the person he is because he wanted to be as confident as Kaminari had always been.

"I finally sat alone / Pitch black flesh and bone / Couldn't believe that you were gone"

I think of so many scenes here. In Monoma's dream, when the photographs fade and fall away. When Kaminari is alone on the star in his own dream. When Monoma is taking to Kuroiro at the training camp and trying to accept what has happened. When Monoma talks to Shinsou in the internship and feels so much guilt after his hatred is stripped. When Kaminari talks to Monoma about feeling like he can never find him when he's right there, because the ends of his memories are frayed. There's SO MUCH loneliness in this fic.

"I saw the part of you / That only when you're older, you will see too / You will see too"

But there is still hope! Kaminari sees it somewhere that Monoma struggles to. All Monoma has done is relived Kaminari losing his memories again and again, whereas Kaminari has always had them tucked away, gnawing on his brain, itching to resurface. Monoma's desires are tenuous, caught in self-doubt, whereas Kaminari can hear this music in his soul that is somehow Monoma. The memories of him, him right now... Whatever it is, he wants Monoma to hear it too.

I found a reference and then speedran this and finished it FOUR HOURS 🎉🎉 this is a new record last time i rendered like this it took months