CokeJunkiie.

I am really struggling with dealing with this death. I can't even look at pictures of her because my heart hurts. It's been about a month now. I can hear the laughter echoing in my head and it's just so surreal that she's gone. People I love are not supposed to die, things aren't supposed to work this way. It's like I suppress all these things for them to come hit me really hard during certain hours of the night. What is Mwanza without you, who am I going to see in Mwanza if you're not there. I wish I paid more attention to you, I wish we spoke more. I am glad though that I got to see you in May, you treated me with so much love and care. The happiness you had on your face was priceless and once again you insisted on shoving me with food. I remember you telling me to not walk too much because you were concerned about my foot and didn't want me to hurt it. I remember you scolding my dad and insisting that we should use a car almost everywhere we go. I remember you telling me how much you kept on praying for me to get better. Every single day. You even created a church group who's main motive was to pray for my recovery. I remember so much, Your voice, your laughter. Bibi naumia. My heart hurts so bad, I can't explain it. It's like I know you're in a "better" place because I know you were really hurting and sick but I wasn't ready to let you go. I wasn't. I'm writing this because I miss you so terribly. I even have a headache right now because every time I think of you, it's like someone is choking and stomping my heart. My heart is bleeding and I don't know how to make it stop. Please I just want it to stop. I didn't know the last time I saw you was the last time. I didn't know the next time I'll see you again, I'd be looking at you lifeless. You weren't responding, you weren't complaining, you weren't breathing. Bibi you stopped breathing. I wasn't ready. I can't get that picture out of my head. I'm still really grateful that I saw you on May and we actually got to bond. That was the first time in my life I felt you loved me so much. Bibi I miss you. I know this is one of many nights you pop up in my thoughts, I don't know if I'll ever get used to this. I'm still not used to babu and it's been 3 years. I'm still not used to Shangazi and it's almost been 2 years. I don't know how to deal with death. Stop.