Life rant #2 – reflection
Maybe it’s time for a moment of reflection. Where do I stand?
It has not even been a week that I’m clean. God, I feel awful – almost like I want to die. Lucky me I never intended to die just yet. I got a whole other curse, man – I intend to endure – hence the drugs.
But it has got to stop if I want to remain somewhat free of making own choices and keep the only belief that I ever found – that is having the freedom – or the actual obligation to make choices, and shaping my life to what I want it to be. And making no choice, is in itself making a choice.
Other solutions are suicide, which holds no meaning at all in the face of life. But going about doing jack shit holds no meaning either.
So it’s decided – I need to make some choices – real choices that result in goals and that will eventually result in success if kept persuited.
Easier said than done. My body feels broken. My home is a mess. I’m in debt. And I’m scared of the world outside that keeps spinning at a pace I can’t seem to uphold.
Oh, the positivity – I admit, it has never been my strong point. For that, I could consider myself a realist. Or at least I have been lately – for as long as I’ve felt like shit – ever since I stared taking things seriously. Before that point I may have been more of an idealist.
“Why so serious?” I ask myself, it being a most famous quote from the Joker.
I never knew I was playing for idealist or realist before – the thought just never occurred. But I used to live more in the moment – more in touch with the “now” and myself at that point – however loathing or in pain, I never took things too serious. That was because, anything could still happen...
And this is why it’s more serious now. Things happened that got in the way of feeling like anything could still happen. There are things irreversable in life – like a death – or a trauma – or the birth of a child – my child. I’ve never regretted the decision, though. I’ve welcomed my little rebel son with open arms and a broad smile.
But man, the pressure that comes with being a parent. How I loath the pressure. I’m never sure if I’m being good enough. It mostly feels like I’m not. Sometimes I feel like I’m not suited to be a parent – now or ever. I thought I was, in my idealistic days, though.
Maybe that’s the choice I need to make now. The choice to get back to my idealistic ways of old – feeling like I forever can – feeling like I could and that I should, and act upon that instinct.
I need to restore some balance – in giving and in taking. And I need to restore control – be unbound by the emotions for the sake of something more important than my own selfish ways.
