hot nb mess

(iré actualizando el post poniendo un ✅ en las cosas que ya haya hecho)

hoy

-no desayunar ✅

-caminar por la mañana✅

-caminar por la tarde✅

-no comerme los platos enteros✅

-no snacks ni postres✅

-dos tés verdes ✅

-bajar al perro ✅

-cenar muy poco✅

-beber agua con limón✅

-hacer rutina de piernas✅

-hacer mínimo 50 sentadillas y 30 abdominales✅

-tomar té laxante✅

mañana

- madrugar e irme al cementerio a ver a mi abuelo ✅

- tomar un café cargado (no tomar lorazepam)✅

- volver andando✅

- ir a la peluquería a teñirme✅

- volver a casa subiendo por las escaleras ✅

- comer poco✅

-beber agua con limón✅

- tomar un té antes de comer y después de comer ✅

- hacer rutina de piernas

- hacer mínimo 50 sentadillas y 30 abdominales

I sure have lost many pounds, but along with it I've lost my friends and family's trust, and gained a painful amount of fear from them as well as guilt and remorse.

The bigger the problem gets the lower my self-esteem goes, and the lower it goes, the bigger my body dysmorphia gets. I just become more careless about my loved ones and me, even though I'm the person I hate the most. I hold so much angst and frustration towards myself it's driving me insane. And so it's been long before all this pile of shit crushed me to crumbs.

I'm just so lost at this point. my family already knows about this, my friends, my boyfriend... I'm even going to therapy for this (amongst other reasons). But i can't stop it. i don't feel ready to recover yet. even though my BMI says I'm underweight, even though my boyfriend sometimes cries when he sees me naked, and my therapists tell me that I'm really close to being hospitalized. Even with all those indicators, i don't feel remotely close to being at a dangerous point.

The only thing i see when I look in the mirror is a fat blob that still needs to lose twice the weight I've already lost. I can only keep doing it until I'm worthy of being considered «sick enough». by me, and only me. because I can't believe anyone who tells me that I'm thin. I just can't. I can only think that they're exaggerating what my body looks to them because they're worried and want me to be healthier. But i don't think they actually see me slim at all.

this is a battle against myself and I know that, but i just feel like I must continue with all the restriction, the lies, the endless hours of walking to burn the calories i meticulously count every time I eat... The control. i need that control. i don't care if it sends me to the hospital or even the grave. after all, I've come to a point where I am so lost and miserable that I wouldn't even mind dying. I guess I'm just bringing myself to a slow, painful death.