Coeur d' Coeurs

I am ruthlessly stressed out. At any given time I could cry however I don’t. Because when that moment comes, it hails and storms. My heart feels so faint, although my body says otherwise. I am very sad. I am very tired. How much longer is this journey going to last? When can I arrive? When can I come home? First, I have to find it. Where ever it is. I’ve lived in so many different cities and never got to stay where I wanted to, then ended staying in the places I did not want to. This life feels like a game and it hurts so much. Can I just come home now. Can I please just belong.

Effortlessly, I was a different person back then. In age I was a young woman but I was still just a girl. Looking back at her, I see now… How she smiled and laughed so authentically. I was no longer that girl. Now I am filled with sadness and grief is with me everywhere I go. You can see it all over me, within me. You can see it when I smile, when I laugh, and when I am still. Realizing this.. That I can no longer return to the person I once was. I look back often and lately all the time. I miss her. I miss being her. I was her because of you. When it was over, I knew immediately there was no turning back. It was broken. Trust is a frail thing. You left me when I gave you what I had left. Forever grateful for you. You gave me what I never knew could exist before. That happened slowly and unexpectedly. And yet, when it arrived, it came with haste and fun filled adventures and peace. Now what.