This is Life

I wasn’t going to begin with this story, but this story is the entire reason that my Twitter and this blog exists. I guess it’s only fitting that I would post this story one year to the day that he said he loved me for the first time. It was one of the best days of my life. I actually cried when he looked me in the eyes and said “I love you too.” I was so happy. It was almost like that day was the day that I really started living; if anything, March 20, 2017 was the day that I stopped living. I will have to break this story down into parts because it is quite extensive.

October 4, 2015 is not a day that I will ever forget. It was that night that my life changed forever. 12 years earlier, I had graduated from high school. I went to one of the not-so-greatest high schools in the city, but I was an exceptional student. I won awards. My test scores were the stuff of legend. But I wasn’t the only one. There was another student there whose academic achievements were also legend. It seemed there was a silent competition between us and I had never even heard his voice, or didn’t remember it. We ran in entirely different circles. I had my friends, he had his. By the time we graduated, he was Mr. 4.0, destined to do something academically great in college. I was Miss 3.8, right behind him. If we had had the system which awards valedictorian and such, he would have been the Valedictorian; I would have been Salutatorian. When I found out that he had gotten a perfect GPA, I was mad it wasn’t me. I cursed his name, but figured I’d never see him again. I forgot that reunions exist.

On October 26, 2013, my class had its 10th reunion. I helped plan it. I’m sure that I saw him that night, but I wasn’t paying attention to him or anyone else really. By then, I had lived a lot of life. I had gone through college, gotten married, gotten two Bachelors degree, had a miscarriage, gotten divorced, dated some guys, made some mistakes, gotten a Masters degree. So when someone told me later that he had been at the reunion, I didn’t even pay attention. Remember, he was the guy that was always one step ahead of me academically. I didn’t know what he had done since graduating high school. He was just some guy I went to high school with. October 4, 2015 changed all of that.

In July 2015, I had quit a crappy job working contracted security and entered into the Corrections world. On October 4, 2015, with less than 3 months Corrections experience under my belt, I was scheduled off of my normal shift – third – to be on loan to second shift. I remember vividly sitting in our camera room watching the monitors and hearing the ‘ping’ of Facebook messenger pop up on my phone. I recognized the name of the person messaging me. It was HIM. It started off simple enough. He told me congratulations for getting a job in corrections. I told him where I worked and he said that he had been there before on official business. I asked him if he was a paramedic because we got tons in and out all the time. He informed me that he was a police officer and had had to make some runs to where I work.

Needless to say, I was stunned. The high school nerd became a cop? WTF. He then sent me a picture of himself sitting in his patrol car…and my heart just…stopped. What I saw was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen in my life. It was him, but it didn’t look like him. No glasses. No sideburns. With the cutest little smirk ever. I couldn’t believe how much he had changed. Within a few minutes of the conversation, he remarked that since we worked in the same division, maybe he could take me to lunch sometime and that if we needed anything while he was on duty to give him a shout. I don’t know if he was just trying to play it cool or what, but it worked. I went out to smoke that night amazed. The high school nerd was messaging me and flirting with me. I was in shock but I had the biggest smile on my face. I got his phone number that night and he got mine.

A few days later, I was on my normal shift and he mentioned that he got off work at 11:30pm. He asked me if I’d like him to come up to meet me at work. I said sure. I put some makeup and perfume on. I fixed my hair. I got my badass attitude going on. He messaged me when he was in the parking lot, telling me to look for his red Mustang. So, of course, I made sure that I looked like the tough Corrections Officer I’m supposed to be, I walked out the front door, and…it was like I was struck by a bolt of lightning. I saw him. I saw him standing by his car and he immediately smiled. I tried not to stumble as I walked toward him, but I could feel my knees coming out from under me. I gave him a hug…and I swear…it was like none other I’d ever had in my life. We talked for a bit and I could see this light in his eyes. Because of previous issues I’ve had to deal with, which I will talk about later, I’m never comfortable looking people in the eye. But that night…looking into those deep brown eyes…my natural reaction was to look away but somehow I kept staring. I can’t remember how long we talked because I didn’t want it to end, even though I knew when he left, we would end up talking on the phone or texting or something. He later told me after that first meeting that he had wanted to kiss me that night but didn’t want to embarrass me since some people I work around had come outside at one point.

In March or April 2017, I started a Twitter account which allowed me to vent about my current issues in a place where very few people would have access to my most intimate thoughts.  I needed that haven.  However, I have realized that my thoughts are a lot more extensive than those 140 words allowed.  So, I have started this Tumblr.  I have had many Tumblr accounts in my time but this is by far the most personal. 

To introduce myself, I'm 32 years old. Born and raised in Kentucky. For the past 2 years, I have served as a proud Correctional Officer at a state facility. I am a third-year Doctoral student in Criminal Justice, slated to graduate in May 2018. I have had my share of accomplishments. I've published articles. I've presented at conferences. I've won awards.