@coauthoribarelyknowher - Tumblr Blog

Just put together that when I moved back into the environment I developed DID was when my health issues started. I’m fucking cooked. I can’t move out for another 5 months.

#did system #dissociative identity disorder #actually did #system #diagnosed did #system stuff

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Just remembered my new therapist has used the word harrowing to describe my life twice. Genuinely cannot think of a more accurate word. I feel fucking harrowed

damn lowkey forgot I had DID for a minute there. Like I was aware of it, but in the same way I’m aware that Pluto exists. Is it real? Yeah. Do I think about it often? No

#did system #dissociative identity disorder #actually did #system #diagnosed did

yuriartillery

hold on let me try to invent a version of myself who can get us out of this mess [holds really still for a minute and a half and then turns to you with a flat affect] we probably should have killed ourselves an hour ago

*tiredly trudges to the whiteboard and erases the writing*

5 months

2 days since a new alter was split

#we were doing so well #apart from the everything that was not going well #did system #dissociative identity disorder #actually did #system #diagnosed did #system stuff

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clever-and-unique-name

If you spend your formative years being relentlessly bullied by your family for being "too sensitive" (read: having the normal emotions of a child), one thing you might start to do is repress every emotion you possibly can and excise the rest.

Only, those excised emotions aren't gone, they just get bundled into your subconscious mind. They live just beneath the surface of you, waiting for something (a trigger) to cause enough of a crack for them to pour out.

You can be consciously aware that the emotions you're feeling are unreasonable in response to the actual trigger. But leaning into that ("Stop being ridiculous, you're overreacting!") only leads to more repression, more buildup, more explosions.

This is why I'm repeating over and over to myself today, "You are not too sensitive, you are just having emotions. You are allowed to feel emotions."

Stuff I needed to hear way back when, I can tell myself now. The trick is getting myself to believe it.

quitting alcohol because it’s bad for you: basic reason, can’t go wrong but lacks a little spice

quitting alcohol because you’ve had a UTI for 2 months, it’s beaten 4 different antibiotics, and the pain is worsened by alcohol: new. niche. definitely not fuelled by health anxiety.

#i would do anything for a glass of rosé #someone find an antibiotic that will end this mf #health #health issues

If my grief should be so great as to destroy me, let it. Keep me in captivity no longer, I would die in the raging storm over this paltry survival on stale air

‘you don’t put as much effort into your appearance more, don’t you care about how people see you?’

Look at me.

My body is a vessel for my brilliance.

My body combines the heavens and the earth so that I may carve a path invisible to any eyes but mine.

My body holds secrets scientists will spend their lives studying and contains knowledge I could search my entire subconscious for and find no explanation.

My appearance? A tool.

If you do not understand what it communicates, the message is not meant for you. I shall care about my appearance so far as it is useful - not a single inch further.

#man i dont know #i have a complicated relationship with my body #appearances #body neutrality #body posititivity #societal standards #beauty

lifeafterpsychiatry

"But why do you let your disability stop you?" Because that's.... what disabilities... do. That's... literally the basic definition... of being disabled... A disability impairs your ability to function. That's what the term means. That's the main thing

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it’s crazy that 98% of the time I am paralysed by fear of failure and indecision and lack of energy and the other 2%?

my brain locks onto a goal with the grip strength of a small child grabbing long hair and cannot be stopped by any earthly power.

#i spent 3 hours writing 5 emails in total silence #i’m so locked in i forgot about music #i have emailed people who haven’t seen me in years #do they remember me? probably not #have i emailed them anyway? god yes

homunculus-argument

I am no nutrition expert but I do have a pretty damn good track record of keeping myself alive, so I want to remind you all that "fed is best" also applies to adults. There's nothing you could eat (that has been deemed fit for human consumption, I don't mean asbestos you smartass) that would be worse for you than just straight-up not eating. No food is as bad as no food.

A protein bar isn't the best possible source of protein in your diet, but it's better than not getting that protein. Fresh fruits would be better than orange juice, but if your choices are between having the orange juice and not getting the vitamins at all, you drink the fucking orange juice.

If you were out at winter while barefoot, and your options were between wrapping random newspaper around your feet, or not having anything to protect your feet, you wouldn't think "newspapers are a worse option than proper shoes, therefore I shouldn't take this worse option" and go barefoot.

homunculus-argument

There's two kinds of distinctly british words and terminology:

Well isn't that some dashingly twee little Jane Austen shit you got.

Words that are inexplicably damp, in exactly the same way as old soaked toilet paper that's been sitting so long that it smells stale.

maxknightley

rotisserie chickens are a cost-effective way to feed a small family, or for one strange adult woman to experience the joy of a predator tearing apart a carcass

coauthoribarelyknowher

Throwback to uni when I would order a whole chicken after a night out and sit in the corner of my friend’s room, lit only by fairylights in my smudged eyeliner and skimpy outfit, and drunkenly devour an entire chicken at 4am

#goblincore

phantomrose96

Dealing with burnout is sooooooooooooooo easy all you need to do is operate at 40% indefinitely and be kind of mad at yourself the whole time.

#if you leave it long enough your body just tries to take you out anyway #now I’m burnt out and on antibiotics

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caspercryptid

The really unfortunate thing about mental health progress is that sometimes you realize you've made it in the form of "wow, I haven't felt this bad in a fucking while"

I (british) tried to explain what a tunnock’s teacake was to my bf (canadian) and they said ‘so like a s’more?’

No. I know the components are the same but I cannot express how uncomfortable that idea makes me.

#canada #canadian #british #britain #smores #biscuits

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