The blog of a simple mentally ill boy

Name: Claude

Age: 17

Gender: Male (ftm)

Ocupation: Studying

Relationship: taken

Interests:

TW: Talk about food

"Do I feel shitty? Claude!? Do we feel shitty?"

...

"Thinks so"

*Agressively splashing cold water onto my face while holding my breath*

"I kinda wanna live... strange"

*Proceeds to drink the running tap water*

Btw you're so so cool :3 (can we be moots?)

• My lover

• My partner

• The entity that I love

• Them

• The most beautiful and kind creation of this universe

• The silly goose I always feel safe around

• The one whose dog is named Bailey

• My little flea

Do I want to stop smoking? Do I not want to stop smoking? Do I want to live? Do I want to die? Do I want to have a clean room? Do I not care? Do I like this show or not? Is this good for me of is it bad? ... What do I want?

I can not go anywhere, do anything but stay at home. I am an adult in four months, but my parents act as if I was still ten. I get it they are scared but when you think about it they are scared that I will be unhappy that I will get worse that I will end it. Well, guess what I'm feeling when I am locked up at home? All those three, so it makes zero sense keeping me here. But still, I am here...

life is so much easier when you use noice cancelling headphones and allow yourself to rock back and forth, and who knew I was vaping so much because it was a safe way to keep my mouth busy!?

Like, what the hell!? I knew I didn't remember my childhood, but who knew I didn't remember that much? When did I manage to learn and unlearn so many things?

Like Claude, you're brilliant! but also such a dumbass...

Navigating socially and being able to understand social cues is awesome!

But do you have to police yourself when you're alone too? It cause you burnouts, and you compromise sleep for the ability to feel safe.

I have so many things to change and relearn, and woah, life is less of a burden when you give yourself free space to be "weird and loud and annoying and a fucking weirdo"

But, I am not autistic because I found the patern in social interactions, and I don't act like a 4yo nonverbal cis boy who is obsessed with trains. WELL FUCK YOU BECAUSE IF I AM NOT AUTISTIC I AM INSANE AND IF I AM INSANE I CANNOT LIVE A NORMAL LIFE AND I WANNA LIVE A NORMAL LIFE SO GIVE ME THE MOTHERFUCKING DIAGNOSIS! please and thank you.

I have no idea how he does it, but I once again don't feel safe around him, don't feel safe at home, don't feel safe at all...

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Fuck I thought we were over this shit! Looks like I'm not. it looks like it will never be peaceful at home. I fucking hate this shit! Life is so wonderful, but I see him, and I wanna die.