enter the chill zone

he got the CO detector out, saw that it was in dangerous levels (there was a problem with an underground parkade in his building, iirc), calmly went “shit”, and went to the hospital. If he didn’t get that advice, he would most likely be dead now.

The best part? He didn’t get a webcam app or anything. He just made a folder, called it Webcam, and called it a night in his carbon monoxide induced delirium.

*two player game blasting in the distance* I love these boys…..

So, I (maybe unsurprisingly) have a file dedicated to various instances when Mob’s thoughts or actions are rather dark. Which was started as evidence gathering mission to try and counterbalance the excessively saccharine treatment Mob tends to get and to recognise the interesting and multifaceted character he actually is…

Characters in the series often have difficulty recognising Mob’s opinions and emotions, and while we as an audience are well aware of his emotions, I’ve noticed people tend to overlook Mob’s actual thoughts on things if they don’t align with what people think he *should* think.  

Mob is someone who does the right thing, for as many people as possible, not because he can’t comprehend bad, or doesn’t realise it’s an option, but because he is someone who actively wants to be better. And that doesn’t mean he forces himself to like or forgive everyone who wrongs him (that’s unreasonable to expect of anyone - let alone a 14-year-old kid), sometimes it just means avoiding doing them actual harm out of that dislike.

and yes, sometimes someone has to step in before Mob is pushed over his limit - thank you Reigen and Dimple at various points in the series - sometimes Mob doing nothing in a situation is the best he can manage. Because it’s better than the alternative ie: 100% murderous intent vs Mob 0% and Reigen 1000%

Mob thinks his actions through a lot in the series (although he actually vocalises those thoughts much less). And he takes the time to think through actions and consequence thoroughly 

Which in the above instance freaks Reigen out, and also highlights a difference between them: Reigen says the right thing instantly because it’s the Right Thing to say, while Mob takes a… concerning amount of time to really take a look at what he would do first. And I love them both for different reasons as a result of this interaction.

Mob is conscientious and a good person. not because he lacks the ability to comprehend doing wrong, but because he thinks and works really hard to overcome those thoughts and be better. 

He thinks about doing the bad stuff, and then actively works really hard to avoid doing them.

i used to joke i have bad days and worse days. i almost never do well. i feel like i keep barely a nose above the water.

but in those rare, rare, rare seconds where the waves stop for one second and i catch sight of something other than dark, i see it. the way a rose looks after a rain. how my mother smiles when she knows it’s my favorite meal that’s cooking. my best friend looking over his shoulder to flip me off again. the bike i rode at 7 and crashed at 17. a little bug struggling with five little legs - but walking, walking.

recovery isn’t smashing into these moments and realizing it’s finally happened, what those people said is true and it “all gets better”. recovery is remembering those moments and deciding - i want them back. it’s looking for them. sometimes it takes hours. sometimes days. sometimes months without any sight of them. but you look, you search even when you’re too tired to keep your eyes open, because you promised yourself … tomorrow. tomorrow will be the day we find one. a four leaf clover we know is our sign, the rainbow, the wishing well - the way out.

and when you find one, they get easier. four leaf clovers always grow in the same patch, after all. and your eyes get sharper. you figure out what makes any small part of you happy. you figure out that you might not be happy, but it’s good enough to stick around to watch the way oil looks in puddles and how she always cries at new year’s. and it might not be blisteringly, soul-crushingly happy in the way other people seem to feel things - in that mind-numbing wordless joy that shines in them, that glow i’m so envious of, that effortlessness - but it will be like this, just quiet, a moment of rest, of the shouts dimming for a minute, a peace.

it’s easy to say “i’m depressed, i’ll never be happy.” maybe. i hope not, because i’m still looking. and in these moments i’ve rediscovered that i am funny, that i like the color pink, that kittens and puppies never fail me. in these moments i’m still depressed, still me, still fighting an illness that wants to end me. but i’m fighting. i seek these moments in every second i get because i’m here and breathing and after all this i’m going to be pissed if this gets the better of me. 

maybe i’ll never figure out how to feel effortless and free. but i know that i feel love when the music is blaring and my hands are out the window and i feel love somewhere on the beach and i feel love watching salamanders wake up in the mornings. it’s not other people’s love, it’s far-off and it’s distant and it might not be “normal”, but it’s goddamn important to me. 

i didn’t wake up better. i forced better to come fight me. i’ve been walking towards recovery since i was 19. five years later and no, i’m not cured, but i see a lot more of these moments. or maybe they were always there, and only now am i realizing what i got in front of me.

and when it’s been bad again? when i’m not even breathing? when it’s been months since i felt anything, when the stress is too much and the sky is dark and the moon in me has fallen silent? i say: hang on. tomorrow might be the day we find it. tomorrow might be worth the fight.