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to: Campus Cupid <[email protected]> from: Oscar Piastri <[email protected]> subject: Crush advice?

Hi Cupid,

This is slightly embarrassing, and I’m not totally sure how this works because I’ve never actually read your column, but my friend Lando said you give decent advice. Honestly, I could really use some, because I’m properly hopeless at this stuff. So here goes. 

There’s this girl I like. We’re not super close or anything, but we kind of orbit around each other if that makes sense? You know, a few mutual friends, some classes together, that kind of stuff. She’s brilliant — like genuinely really smart, and always has takes that make me see things differently. And she’s funny too. She’s got this way of making little offhand observations that just make me laugh. Stunning as well, but honestly that doesn’t crack the top 10 of things I like about her. She’s just… amazing, basically, and ridiculously out of my league. 

The issue is I have no idea whether she thinks of me as more than a friend. I’m not great at the whole romance thing to begin with, and I definitely don’t know how to figure out if she likes me or not. And even if she did, how am I supposed to tell her I like her? Do I just say it and hope for the best? Drop hints and pray she picks up on them? Keep emotionally repressing the feelings until I explode (which at this point is kind of seeming like the most likely option?)

I don’t want to make things uncomfortable for her or put pressure on her, but I also don’t want to spend the rest of the semester pretending I’m not interested when I definitely am. Would love some advice from the romance expert. 

— Sincerely, A Very Lost Cause (you can pick something less cringe if you want. I couldn’t really think of anything good. Yikes, I’m overthinking the sign-off too, aren’t I?) ───────── ☆ ─────────

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January 24

Welcome back to Cupid’s corner, where your love life is my business. Whether you’re falling in love or falling flat on your face, I’m here to help! XOXO, Cupid 💌

Q: My situationship told me he’s “emotionally available in theory,” but when I asked him to share how he’s feeling about us, he didn’t respond until 2 AM asking me to come over and talk about it. What does this mean? — Theoretical Thot

A: Dear Theoretical Thot, it sounds like he’s “emotionally available” the way that your professor is “available outside of office hours” — AKA, he’s not. Plus, the 2 AM text is the emotional equivalent of suggesting you meet up to discuss your relationship at a frat party: technically possible, but the environment isn’t exactly screaming meaningful conversation. If he was really willing to talk, that’s great, but make sure he’s not just creating an excuse to find you in his bed again! You deserve someone who doesn’t treat their feelings and yours like a part time job.

Q: I want to do something cute for my girlfriend for Valentine’s Day, but I spent my extra money on this fancy protein powder and now I’m completely broke. What’s a good budget Valentine’s idea? — Rich in Love (Poor in Cash)

A: Dear Rich in Love, it’s so sweet that you’re thinking about Valentine’s Day plans already. Broke V-Day is basically an extreme sport at this point, but it doesn’t mean you can’t still score! Being creative is wayyyy sexier than throwing a bunch of money. Write her a love letter! Or make her a playlist! You could even do a scavenger hunt connected to moments in your relationship. Years from now, she’ll remember the thought you put in, not the money you spent. Whatever you do, just make sure it’s from the heart! And maybe lay off the protein powder.

Q: I’ve got a crush on a friend of mine, but I have no idea whether she sees me as more than a friend or how to tell her I like her without making things weird. Help! — A Very Lost Cause

A: Dear Lost Cause, this is a tricky situation. I get the urge to go full rom-com and just confess your feelings, but maybe you should pump the brakes a little. If she IS interested, she’s probably already picking up on your energy. Maybe act a little bit less available? Sometimes people need space to realize exactly what… or who… they’re missing. But (out of purely professional curiosity, of course) what kind of friend are we talking? Lab partner? Frat sweetheart? My advice might change with a little more background info. 

Campus Cupid will run weekly until Valentine’s Day. After that, I turn back into a pumpkin (or just another regular student who cries in the library). Need help with a crush crisis? Email me at [email protected]. XOXO! ───────── ☆ ─────────

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───────── ☆ ───────── to: Campus Cupid <[email protected]> from: Oscar Piastri <[email protected]> subject: re: Crush advice?

Hi Cupid,

Me again (still a Very Lost Cause, I fear.) Thanks for answering my question last week. 

I tried your advice about pulling back and being less available, but I think it didn’t work. Or maybe I’m just shit at following advice. Probably both. The thing is, I think I’m sort of terrible at playing it cool. Every time I tried to give her space or forced myself to wait before texting her back, I was pretty much just staring at my phone like an idiot. And when I canceled plans with her, I spent half the night feeling like a complete dropkick and wishing I hadn’t. I ended up messaging her anyway — couldn’t even ignore her for more than a few hours.

The really pathetic thing, and I can’t believe I’m admitting this, is that I got jealous. Like properly jealous over nothing, which is insane, because I have no right to be, especially when I’m the one who backed off. But she was hanging out with this guy I thought might be into her, and for a few hours I genuinely considered transferring uni's. Turns out he’s not (thank God), but it kind of proves my point. 

I can’t play it cool with her. I don’t want to pull back. I like being around her. I like talking to her. I like the way she scrunches her nose when she’s confused. I like how she always has something smart to say even when she’s completely exhausted. I like that she always remembers the small things I say even when I don’t think she’s listening. I like her, full stop. And the more time I spend trying to act like I don’t, the worse it feels. 

So. Since pulling back didn’t work, what do I do now?

— Sincerely, your Very Very Lost Cause ───────── ☆ ─────────

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February 7

Welcome back to Cupid’s corner! Because nothing says happy Valentine’s Day like mild emotional panic sent to an anonymous advice columnist. Let’s fix your love life (and maybe mine too!) XOXO, Cupid 💌

Q: I had one too many cups of jungle juice at my frat’s mixer this weekend and accidentally liked my crush’s Instagram post from 2013. Should I transfer schools? — Butterfingers

A: Dear Butterfingers, take a deep breath. Although I get your impulse to flee the country, this is not a transfer-worthy offense. Here’s a wild idea: use this as an excuse to actually talk to them! Apologize for your social media snafu and follow it up with actual conversation. Or just pretend it never happened and continue living in denial like the rest of us. 

Q: I matched with my econ professor’s son on Tinder. We’ve been talking a little, and I kind of like him, but now I’m starting to feel super weird in lecture. Help! — Hot for Teacher(’s Son)

A: Dear Hot for Teacher(’s Son), what do you value more? The class or the guy? It sounds like it’s still early enough to drop either one. If you keep talking to him, you're going to spend every lecture wondering if Professor Dad knows you're the one sliding into his son's DMs. And if things go south romantically, you'll still have to sit through a whole semester of avoiding eye contact while learning about supply and demand curves. My advice? Be upfront with the guy about the situation and let him decide if he's comfortable with it too. If you're both cool with the weirdness, go for it. Just maybe don't bring him as your +1 to any department events.

Q: I tried to take your advice and pull back, but I don’t think it worked. I’m not good at playing it cool. What else could I do to make it clear that I like her? — A Very Very Lost Cause

A: Dear Lost Cause, I’m glad you’re back! Look, if playing it cool isn’t working, maybe it’s time to go in the complete opposite direction. Sometimes you have to be bold and put yourself out there in a big way. Here’s what I’m thinking: make a public gesture. Do something that gets people’s attention — at a party, or in front of your friends, or somewhere on campus where people will see. The bigger and more public, the better! 

Campus Cupid will run weekly until Valentine’s Day, after which I disappear into the mist like every good university urban legend. Time is running out to send me your burning questions and bad romantic choices at [email protected]. XOXO!

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liked by yourbff, lando, and 632 others yourusername working hard or hardly working? (hint it’s working hard we are working VERY HARD)

yourbff putting the DEAD in deadline ♥ liked by author student7 shoutout to red bull and crying in the print lab!! georgerussell63 You said you wouldn’t post it!!!!! ⤷ yourusername me when i lie :) ⤷ yourbff thank you for this GIFT student8 if we die bury us in the layout room prof.hamilton Amazing work!! So proud of my advisees ♥ liked by author oscarpiastri Killing it!! ♥ liked by author ⤷ yourusername my emotional support oscar 🥹 student9 she’s beauty she’s grace she hasn’t slept in 48 hours lando can you send that picture of gorge to me please

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to: Campus Cupid <[email protected]> from: Oscar Piastri <[email protected]> subject: re: re: Crush advice?

Hi Cupid,

Me again — for the last time, I swear! Although I think your inbox is probably closing anyway, given that it’s almost Valentine’s Day. 

First of all, thanks for your advice. It pretty much all terrified me, but I think I needed the push to stop overthinking everything. You made me feel a little less like an idiot fumbling around in the dark with this stuff, which honestly is a minor miracle. Even though your advice didn’t work out, it was definitely better than Lando's. To be honest, I probably wouldn’t have gotten where I am without you.

Which brings me to where I am, I guess. As much as I want to beg you for more advice, as much as I want to stall and make it absolutely perfect for her, I think I’ve gotten to the point where no guidance, even from the self-proclaimed campus love expert, is going to make this any easier.

There is no perfect way to say it. There is no magic sentence, no secret signal that will make everything fall into place. I like her, and I don’t want to waste any more time pretending I don’t or hoping she figures it out on her own. 

So I’m just going to tell her. No schemes to figure out if she likes me too. No grand gestures that I forget to put my name on. Just us — just me, finally saying what’s been on my mind for a while. And whatever happens, at least I’ll know I said it.

Wish me luck, Cupid. Who knows? Maybe you’ll get another success story out of it.

— Sincerely, Oscar

PS: Also, I’m sorry I never answered your question about who she was to me. Maybe it would have made for better advice, but since you work for the Chronicle you probably know her, so I didn’t want to risk it. ───────── ☆ ─────────

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you have (1) missed call from osco • listen to voicemail? 1:21 ▶‖ •၊၊||၊|။||||။၊|။•

“Hey, Happy Valentine's Day. Okay. Um… okay. [soft laugh] I really don’t know what I’m doing, or why I thought I’d be able to say this without getting nervous, but, uh, here goes. [sigh] This wasn’t how I planned it, you know. I was going to tell you after class like a normal person. But you didn’t show up, and now I’ve got all this stuff I want to say to you and nowhere to put it but your voicemail. I — I like you. A lot. Like, emailed Campus Cupid multiple times trying to figure out how to tell you, a lot. I tried to follow their advice and pull back, but I couldn’t really… stay away from you. [laugh] I mean, I bought the entire Chronicle donuts and a coffee machine because I thought it might make it obvious to you that I liked you. But even after all of that, I don’t know if you feel the same way. I really don’t. Just… I don’t know, I couldn’t not tell you, even if you don’t feel that way about me. [pause] And now I’m running to yours because I just realized I’m a complete idiot for not saying this to your face. I’ll be there in 10 minutes, just — please answer the door? Oh. Shit. Uh, this is Oscar by the way.”

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liked by oscarpiastri, yourbff and 1,092 others yourusername turns out my “bad advice” was some of my best. campus cupid signing off, xoxo 💌