Cider's Cinders

I am a social worker. I have worked in community mental health and in home-based healthcare. And it is much, much easier for me to help you when the situation you're in is not yet a full-blown crisis.

"I'm out of money and have been for a while and now I haven't eaten for three days." This is a crisis. A crisis where I'm likely going to have to put you in the car and take you to the nearest food bank--except food banks require appointments now, and the next opening is in four days, so you're staring down the barrel of a week with no food. That's obviously not going to work, so, let's call eight different food banks until we've found one that has an appointment the next day...except it's in the neighboring county and you can't drive. So now I'm calling your doctor to try and brow beat an emergency plan of care update out of him so I can come back the next day and drive you to the food bank. And we haven't even started on the "constantly broke" part of the problem.

"I don't think I have enough food to make it to my next paycheck. I have (xyz) in my house and that will only last until (date)." This is bad, but not a crisis. We have a few days. We make you an appointment at the food bank and contact your brother to make sure you have a ride there. Now we can spend our visit talking about what bills are causing you the most problems and make a jump on a long-term solution, like looping in a community action agency to cover your utilities and getting you an OTC card from Medicaid to cover some of your groceries every month.

"I'm ten months behind on rent, and my landlord said I have a week to get out, or the cops will throw me out. I don't have the money, and if I get evicted, I have nowhere to go." This is a crisis. Every single thing we do here is going to be some version of a Hail Mary. In Michigan, we have the state emergency relief fund for rent issues, but process time is well over one week. There are community action agencies that we can call to assist you with payment, but they are unlikely to have sufficient funds to cover nearly a year of back rent. We can contact legal aid clinics to try and prevent your landlord from evicting you, but they may look at your case and determine that too much "fault" lies with you. Most likely, I'm going to have to put you in touch with homeless shelters and the public housing office.

"I'm two months behind on rent and I don't think I'll be able to pay next month either." This is bad, but not a crisis. This is solvable. We have time to apply for SER, or put you in contact with community action agencies. We have time to review your finances and see if you qualify for a public housing wait list or other forms of ongoing rental assistance. We have time to talk about a million possible adjustments to try and ease the burden of your rent.

"I am the sole caregiver for my elderly parent who has dementia and is emotionally volatile and fully dependent on me. I have not slept through the night in weeks and I have not had an actual break for over a year. I am having screaming meltdowns multiple times a week and I am threatening self-harm unless someone comes to collect my parent and take over all caregiver duties." This is a crisis. This is a crisis where the ethical code of my profession demands that I call 911 and report the conversation to them. They will likely come to the house and interview you. If they determine your threats were serious, they will have you forcibly committed to a psych ward. Your parent will either be dumped into a random hospital or rehab center, or left in the house on their own. Upon release from your psych hold, you will be expected to resume caregiving duties as though nothing happened. Except, now, adult protective services is actively investigating you, because it was determined you may be an ongoing danger to your parent.

"I am the sole caregiver for my demented parent, and I have not had a break in a couple of weeks, and I feel angry and weepy most of the time." This is bad, but not a crisis. We can get you in touch with volunteer groups for respite, and apply for state funded programs to get more day-to-day help, and talk about long-term planning for when the dementia symptoms get worse. We can get you the phone numbers for crisis lines and enroll you in a support group.

look at dis rad dude

My go-tos:

- "hey you can be funnier than that"

- "those types of jokes are just low hanging fruit you know?"

- "well they have freedoms too"

- "I mean that's not my business"

- "I don't think we need to speculate on that"

- "you'd have to be them to really know for sure"

- "complete understanding isn't step one, respect is"

- "oh I'm generally -insert broad opinion- but I actually don't know enough about the situation to have an informed stance"

- "I wouldn't think anyone's stupid for changing their mind as they learn more"

- "no no, it's a reasonable assumption in context, but you're missing context"

- "that's an interesting way to say that"

- "there's probably a less loaded way to put that"

- "I think I understand what you mean, but that's not what you're communicating when you phrase it like that"

And being corrected! (Super important to have a script for this imo, keeps me from freezing up and ruminating):

- "oh that's news to me, yeah I'll keep that in mind thank you"

- "good catch, I hadn't thought of it that way"

- "I'm very sorry my phrasing landed that way, what was trying to articulate was closer to..."

- "your feedback is important to me, how would be best to move forward from this?"

- "ohhh yeah, I'm just maxing out my social blunder multiplier"

- "I'm feeling tender about it because it's important to both of us, so bear with me if I'm over-clarifying"

- "I'm still thinking about it, thank you for explaining it to me, have you moved on about it, or would you be willing to reassure me of your preferred course of action?"