manifestations of an attention wh0re

“Every city has a sex and an age which have nothing to do with demography. Rome is feminine. So is Odessa. London is a teenager, an urchin, and, in this, hasn’t changed since the time of Dickens. Paris, I believe, is a man in his twenties in love with an older woman.”

“I look up at the stars and wonder if you think about what it would be like to kiss me again.”

“it pains me to think about you, it really does. Sometimes I find myself lost in the moments we shared and I can’t help but feel my heart cracking and my fits clenching. You’re so bittersweet, you’re toxic and poisonous and you make me so angry but life without you isn’t life at all and it kills me to know that I cannot say this to you not now and not ever. I remember the time you made me feel so safe, so protected from the terrors of the night, only for you to become one of them, to somehow turn into something that makes my blood boil and my skin itch. I don’t know what happened to you, I don’t know how you slipped away from everyone, I don’t know how you got stuck in this mess of a self that you cannot escape and I’m sorry for not being able to give you a hand to hold. It hurts me how much I love you, it makes me cry and scream and it gives me nightmares, it makes me sad and scared and I don’t know how to explain it. You’re so pure, but you’re infinitely damaged and I wish I could understand you or understand why you are the way that you are, but I can’t, I have tried many times only for you to flinch away, only for me to cry about it, I cannot do it anymore, I cannot help myself, you hurt me deeply and I can’t see to get past it, I can’t seem to see you for who you are under all the masks you constantly create. I love you but your presence pains me, and your absence kills me.”

“Throw a plate on the floor. Did it break? “Yes”. Now say sorry to the plate. “Sorry”. Is it still broken? “Yes”. Do you understand?”

“I cannot bring myself to hate you. We held hands in our darkest hour. Shared kisses . Held our hearts like a fragile flower. As we tattooed our secrets underneath our skin. For I loved you once. That is something I will always remember.”

No one ever takes a photograph of something they want to forget.

I’m haunted by all the space that I will live without you.

How did you do that? I mean, how could you fit so much beauty into a tiny laugh?

…and her face became anxious, then blank, then nervous, then resigned, and then all the expressions of madness passed over it and after each she always smiled.

My desires in a relationship have changed over time. I no longer want someone who promises to always love me and never leave me, I need someone who understands that life happens and sometimes things don’t work out. I don’t want someone who sugar coats things and never gets angry with me, I need someone to tell me how it really is and put me in my place. I need to be able to go five hours without talking to you and not feel lost or incomplete. I am complete without you. But with you, I want to be so much better. I want to be stronger with you. I want us to grow together and help each other grow individually. I don’t need you, but I really fucking want you. And this may not work out, but the fact that you understand all of this and this how our relationship works, makes me think we’ve got a pretty good shot.