My Wife Evaluates 32 NFL Quarterbacks Based Solely onΒ Whether Their Name Sounds Like aΒ βWinnerβ
Aaron Rodgers - βHmm, well I already know heβs won before so yeah, Aaron Rodgers, winnerβ
Tom Brady - βNo, βTom Bradyβ sounds like a guy who would leave his pregnant girlfriend, like just a real awful person, you know?β
Russell Wilson - βYes. Russell Wilson sounds like a black guy. Ergo? Winner.β
Cam Newton - βCam Newton I say yes. If it was Cameron Newton Iβd say no, that sounds like someone who repairs computers.β
Drew Brees - βYes, but that also just sounds like a cool guyβs name. βDrew Brees' sounds like it could also be a black guy, ie a winner.β
Carson Palmer - βPalmerβs a good football player last name, but Carson I more identify with, like, hipster baby names. (cloying motherβs voice) βCarson, we need to share our kale chips, Carson.β So no.β
Ben Roethlisberger - βNo. That sounds like a dirtbag whoβd rape a girl in a bar.β
Blake Bortles - βBlake I could see as like a Texas quarterback name. But Bortles, no, thatβs not a winnerβs name.β
Eli Manning - βI donβt know, Eli is kind of a wimpy name. Peyton isnβt all that good a football player name, either. And donβt they come from like a football family, like isnβt their dad a coach? (I tell her he was a quarterback, and his name was Archie. Sheβs not particularly impressed with βArchieβ as a football player name either) Okay. So Eli, not a winner.
Philip Rivers - βNo. (I ask if her Phil Rivers sounds any better.) No, either way, Phil Rivers, Philip Rivers, it sounds like someoneβs dad.β
Matt Stafford - βSure, Matt Stafford sounds like someone from Friday Night Lights. (I then correct myself and tell her he more generally goes as Matthew Stafford.) See, now βMatthew Stafford,β Iβd say no, that sounds like heβd beβ¦ softer.β
Derek Carr - βDerek Carr? [sounding it out] Dehrkcarr? Thatβs terrible, donβt have your first name end in a hard K sound if your last nameβs also a hard K. βThatβs not our car, thatβs dehr car.β No, not a winner.β
Tyrod Taylor - βYes. Sounds like a black guy. Love it.β (I tell her sheβs bucking the old stereotype that long persisted in the NFL that you couldnβt win with a black quarterback. HER: βThatβs stupid, Iβd definitely want a black quarterback over some white guy named βCarson.ββ)
Andrew Luck - βHmm, yeah. Thatβs a winner name.β
Kirk Cousins - β(laughs) Nooo. Kirk Cousins? That sounds the guy whoβd bring in Christian videos to watch. Like Kirk Cousins and Kirk Cameron are tight.β
Andy Dalton - βHe sounds like heβd be the quarterback at like some East Coast prep school. Like Exeter. And then he interns at Lehman Bros in the summers. No way.β
Ryan Fitzpatrick - βNo.β (No further rationale was given. Just a hard no.)
Ryan Tannehill - (long beat of consideration) ββ¦yes.β
Alex Smith - βWhat, is he in the Witness Protection Program? βHi, Iβm [voice modulated] Alex Smith.β With Smith as his last name heβd have to some really unique first name, likeβ¦ Spur Smith. Alex? No, no.β
Peyton Manning - βAgain, the Mannings donβt have great football player names. I know heβs like a good player, but Peyton sounds like a Southern girlβs name. βHey yβall, welcome to rush, Iβm Peyton.ββ
Jameis Winston - βBlack guy? (I confirm he is.) Then yes.β
Marcus Mariota - βHe sounds like be great at table tennis in the Olympics. βComing to the table next is [does respectful Asian accent] Marcus Mariotaβ¦ββ
Brian Hoyer - (says with disgust) βBrian Hoyer? God, no.β
Teddy Bridgewater - βThat sounds like the younger brother of the Exeter quarterback. Like they hazed him and threw him off a bridge. [upper crust accent] βHowβs it going, Bridgewater?ββ
Tony Romo - βSure, yeah.β
Jay Cutler - βOkay, now, that is a good football name, but it also sounds like a guy who doesnβt vaccinate his kids and lets his dumb wife make stupid medical decisions for his family.β
And then she stopped this exercise at 26 QBs βcause it was time to watch The Bachelor.
















