Chris Kula

Aaron Rodgers - “Hmm, well I already know he’s won before so yeah, Aaron Rodgers, winner”

Tom Brady - “No, ‘Tom Brady’ sounds like a guy who would leave his pregnant girlfriend, like just a real awful person, you know?”

Russell Wilson - “Yes. Russell Wilson sounds like a black guy. Ergo? Winner.”

Cam Newton - “Cam Newton I say yes. If it was Cameron Newton I’d say no, that sounds like someone who repairs computers.”

Drew Brees - “Yes, but that also just sounds like a cool guy’s name. ‘Drew Brees' sounds like it could also be a black guy, ie a winner.”

Carson Palmer - “Palmer’s a good football player last name, but Carson I more identify with, like, hipster baby names. (cloying mother’s voice) ‘Carson, we need to share our kale chips, Carson.’ So no.”

Ben Roethlisberger - “No. That sounds like a dirtbag who’d rape a girl in a bar.”

Blake Bortles - “Blake I could see as like a Texas quarterback name. But Bortles, no, that’s not a winner’s name.”

Eli Manning - “I don’t know, Eli is kind of a wimpy name. Peyton isn’t all that good a football player name, either. And don’t they come from like a football family, like isn’t their dad a coach? (I tell her he was a quarterback, and his name was Archie. She’s not particularly impressed with “Archie” as a football player name either) Okay. So Eli, not a winner.

Philip Rivers - “No. (I ask if her Phil Rivers sounds any better.) No, either way, Phil Rivers, Philip Rivers, it sounds like someone’s dad.”

Matt Stafford - “Sure, Matt Stafford sounds like someone from Friday Night Lights. (I then correct myself and tell her he more generally goes as Matthew Stafford.) See, now ‘Matthew Stafford,’ I’d say no, that sounds like he’d be… softer.”

Derek Carr - “Derek Carr? [sounding it out] Dehrkcarr? That’s terrible, don’t have your first name end in a hard K sound if your last name’s also a hard K. ‘That’s not our car, that’s dehr car.’ No, not a winner.”

Tyrod Taylor - “Yes. Sounds like a black guy. Love it.” (I tell her she’s bucking the old stereotype that long persisted in the NFL that you couldn’t win with a black quarterback. HER: “That’s stupid, I’d definitely want a black quarterback over some white guy named ‘Carson.’”)

Andrew Luck - “Hmm, yeah. That’s a winner name.”

Kirk Cousins - “(laughs) Nooo. Kirk Cousins? That sounds the guy who’d bring in Christian videos to watch. Like Kirk Cousins and Kirk Cameron are tight.”

Andy Dalton - “He sounds like he’d be the quarterback at like some East Coast prep school. Like Exeter. And then he interns at Lehman Bros in the summers. No way.”

Ryan Fitzpatrick - “No.” (No further rationale was given. Just a hard no.)

Ryan Tannehill - (long beat of consideration) “…yes.”

Alex Smith - “What, is he in the Witness Protection Program? ‘Hi, I’m [voice modulated] Alex Smith.’ With Smith as his last name he’d have to some really unique first name, like… Spur Smith. Alex? No, no.”

Peyton Manning - “Again, the Mannings don’t have great football player names. I know he’s like a good player, but Peyton sounds like a Southern girl’s name. ‘Hey y’all, welcome to rush, I’m Peyton.’”

Jameis Winston - “Black guy? (I confirm he is.) Then yes.”

Marcus Mariota - “He sounds like be great at table tennis in the Olympics. ‘Coming to the table next is [does respectful Asian accent] Marcus Mariota…’”

Brian Hoyer - (says with disgust) “Brian Hoyer? God, no.”

Teddy Bridgewater - “That sounds like the younger brother of the Exeter quarterback. Like they hazed him and threw him off a bridge. [upper crust accent] ‘How’s it going, Bridgewater?’”

Tony Romo - “Sure, yeah.”

Jay Cutler - “Okay, now, that is a good football name, but it also sounds like a guy who doesn’t vaccinate his kids and lets his dumb wife make stupid medical decisions for his family.”

KULA-CON INTERNATIONAL is a celebration of all things Chris Kula would be LEGIT excited over which to geek out. Kula-Con is held at the Hilton Hawaiian Village on Waikiki (ideally in 1967, but present day would suffice). 

Without further ado, the inaugural lineup... 

8am - Doors Open, but it's just universally agreed upon that nothing will get going 'til around 10AM after we've all had a leisurely coffee morning

10am - Die Hard: The Five-and-Unders Panel You know a regular Die Hard cast panel would be monopolized by Willis and Rickman (rightfully so), but I'd be waaaay more psyched to just hear from the bit players like Ellis and Dick Thornburg and each and every one of the East German All-Stars (who would be introduced not by name but by appearance or memorable dialogue-- "Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome 'No More Table!'" - "Give it up for Guy at the Front Desk Who Looks Like Huey Lewis!")

11am - Quantum Leap: "Jimmy" - A Live Reading Scott Bakula and Dean Stockwell and the rest of the co-stars do a live reading of arguably my favorite episode, in which Dr. Sam Beckett leaps into a developmentally challenged man-child in San Francisco. Would it possibly be cringe-y to see Bakula doing "retard voice" in a live setting? No way-- the guy's a pro. Also, the panel would begin and end with live performances of the Quantum Leap intro by Stop Making Sense-era Talking Heads. 

Noon - Buffet Lunch Kula-Con painstakingly recreates several of Las Vegas' best buffets here in Hawaii. This is followed by a massively satisfying shit.

2pm - Convention Floor  We walk off the massive gorge-fest of lunch at the sprawling expo area - the booths are all vintage drum kits, midcentury furniture, retro sneakers, 1970s speakers and stereo equipment, and Nike running gear at factory outlet prices. The members of Michigan's vaunted Fab Five walk the floor to assist you with deez. I'm sorry-- "deez"? "Deez nuts in ya mouth! (beat) And also deez purchases you made-- hi, I'm Juwan Howard, let me give you a hand." 

4pm - One Hit Wonderful: A Parade of Late '90s Bands Each band comes on, plays their hit, gets offstage. No deep cuts, no new stuff. Talking 'bout Harvey Danger, Vertical Horizon, Dishwalla, The Verve Pipe, Eagle Eye Cherry, Eve 6, New Radicals, Lit and Semisonic closing it out with, hmm I don't know, maybe "Closing Time"? "Actually we were hoping to play one of our other--" "Fuck you, Gary Semisonic, play Closing Time!" Then all the bands would come onstage together for a mass version of Vitamin C's "Graduation (Friends Forever)." 

5pm - 2004 Detroit Pistons: A Championship Panel - moderated by Charles Barkley The starting five of the Pistons '04 title team reunites. My question from the audience is more of a request, to have Rasheed Wallace curse me out. He obliges, calling me a "goofy-ass Opie-lookin' mothafucker," which delights me greatly. Then they all start to go in on me-- "dude's like a gayer Ron Weasley" - "he look like damn Eric Stoltz from Mask" - "this fool whiter than Mr. Holland's Opus" -- and I'm like, "Ha, really that's enough," though I'm impressed by some of their references.

7pm - Kula-Con Half-Marathon w/ special guests Phish The Con ends at sunset with an evening run paced by Phish performing live on a flatbed truck. They play the setlist of my first show - 12/6/97 - in its entirety. My wife and infant son are at mile 12 to hand me a grape Gatorade and cheer me on to the...

8:34 pm - Finish Line I cross the finish in a personal best and realize-- my plane crashed on the flight to Hawaii. I survived the crash but was then killed by a shark. (Really pathetically, too-- I died begging, my last breath used for "Please no, I'll suck your shark dick...") I am dead, and this Con is my eternal after-life. And I'm good with that!

The Grand Canyon. Breathtaking in its beauty and just as mysterious. No one quite knows what the Grand Canyon is, or just how it got here. Some believe it's the work of aliens from a far off world. Others say the Indians built it to house their games of Indian football. And religious folks will tell you it's the gash where God fucked the earth with His celestial dick. Wow. Just imagine that!

No, I don't think we'll ever truly know the true story behind the Grand Canyon. But one truth I do know is: at the Grand Canyon, the views are truly GRAAAAAAND.

"It's like if I were to watch an episode of Project Runway, only it was three hours long and there was a new episode EVERY DAY. For what feels like six, SEVEN, EIGHT MONTHS IN A ROW. And sometimes there's more than one episode per day because sometimes after watching the Detroit version of Project Runway, I like to put on the LA version and see what they're designing that day. And then after I've watched SEVERAL HOURS of different Project Runways, I turn on a show that just plays highlights of all the Project Runway designs from earlier that day. And I just let this play in the background while I go on my iPad and read news and blogs and tweets about Project Runway. 'Cause, like, I gotta know if that one designer is getting traded to a new Project Runway, or if that other designer did steroids." 

INT. 2793 NORTH KITTY HAWK - 3AM

New homeowners JAKE and TEVIN lie in bed, wide awake. We hear concussively loud DUBSTEP coming from outside - it rattles their low e bedroom window.

TEVIN: Goddamn him. Goddamn that famous chimpanzee! 

JAKE: Hon. I know. Just... try to ignore it.

TEVIN: Ignore it?! It's been like this EVERY NIGHT since we moved in! 

JAKE: Well, I mean, we knew going in that that house belonged to a Hollywood chimp. Joan Ross of RE/MAX was very clear about--

TEVIN: Oh, fuck Joan Ross of RE/MAX! She didn't say it would be like THIS! You need to do something.

JAKE: ME? What can I do? He has a special permit from the city of Palm Springs!

TEVIN: I don't know, go over there and fight him or something.

JAKE: Oh, yeah. I'll just go fight a wild animal. Great plan, Tev!

TEVIN: He's not wild, HE OWNS A HOME IN PALM SPRINGS! 

JAKE: Okay fine, then why don't you do something!

TEVIN: Maybe I WILL! 

Tevin reaches into nightstand, pulls out a SIG SAUER 9MM PISTOL.

JAKE: What the FUCK, where did you get a--

TEVIN: I never wanted to leave Laguna!!

Tevin shoots Jake - his face explodes. Tevin turns to the window.

TEVIN: YOU did this!!!

He puts the gun in his mouth, pulls the trigger-- SMASH CUT TO:

EXT. 2793 NORTH KITTY HAWK - ONE WEEK LATER

RE/MAX agent JOAN ROSS plants a FOR SALE sign.