* 𝐖𝐀𝐒𝐓𝐄𝐋𝐀𝐍𝐃 / 𝓫𝓪𝓫𝔂

⸻  you  were  told  that  the  knights  in  their  shining  armours,  or  the  king  sitting  on  his  esteemed  throne  were  the  strongest  characters  in  a  fairytale  story.  these  characters  were  paralleled  by  the  masculine  figures  in  your  life;  your  father,  his  father  before  him,  and  his  father  before  him.  where  do  you  fit  in  this  streamlined  history  of  your  family?  how  do  you  force  yourself  in  a  place  that  never  once  learned  how  to  accommodate  you?  you,  in  all  your  feminine  habits.  do  they  not  realise  that  a  smile  can  be  turned  into  a  fierce  weapon?  they  must  have  missed  the  time  when  you  learned  how  to  whisper  krypton  laced  nothings  in  the  ears  of  your  people.  they  lost  you,  you  warrior  of  a  girl.  as  you  break  down  the  walls  of  your  world,  you  know  that  only  time  can  tell  when  they  will  learn.  GIRL  ALMIGHTY,  they  should  have  known  better  than  to  let  you  fend  for  yourself.  

DOSSIER  ・  BIOGRAPHY  ・  PINTEREST  ・  PLAYLIST

“choosing to live with my dad’s new family and sticking through that decision for a few years instead of living with my mom right away.” it was the first thing that came to my mind because it was the greatest sacrifice of her otherwise privileged life. “it was hell living with him and the family that he loves so much but i chose to do that because i know having some time to herself was something that my mom desperately needed. thank goodness i never have to do it ever again, though. just one time was too much time.”

“that’s a tough one because i know we all have some pretty fucked up lives — some more than others.” wrinkling her nose, she tries to think of a few names and attaches what she knew about their current lives in the criteria that she has set in order to properly answer this question. “i think i’ll go for eira. miss jeon eunha herself.” smiling, she continues. “i’m well aware that her life isn’t all that pretty because i know her and saw what she’s been through but i chose eira because she has something that i’ve always wanted. you know, a family. a proper family.” you could say she has always been envious of it, wishing she had grown up with the same kind of affection and devotion. unfortunately, such was not the case. “i’d love to be able to experience what it’s like to have been adored and respected like that. to never have to doubt your family’s love because you’ve always felt it, no matter what.” she ends her explanation in a lighter note. “besides, she’s extremely talented. i think it would be fun to have that kind of grace and talent for once!” 

"there’s nothing that could top the embarrassment of that pregnancy scare.” she says with a grimace. “but i do have a few every day embarrassments that just make me laugh now when i think about them.” lifting a hand, she counts each embarrassing memory by raising a finger. “first, when i was trying to discreetly take a picture of a ceo’s son but then my camera flash went off and he caught me right away.” she smiles, followed by a small shake of her head. “there’s also this one time that i accidentally gave a random stranger a back hug because i thought they were the cousin i was close to. in my defence, their stance looked exactly like hers!”

[ ... ] 

he breaks the silence lingering around them, teasingly dancing around the pair and taunting them to move forward with their plans. his arms wrap themselves around her just slightly tighter than before and he pulls her back in, their faces only inches apart and both being able to feel each other’s warm breath against flushed skin. he’s quick to capture her lips with his, gentle pressure applied to supple lips as they move against each other in rhythm. he only breaks apart for air, gaze finding its way directly to her eyes, locking them in momentarily before he feels a laugh beginning to bubble. what had originated as a lustful evening has become something quite the opposite it seems, as his gentle laughter increases in volume. soon, his arms are relaxing from her dainty waist and falling against his mattress as he rolls over onto his back and lets out a deep sigh. 

“i’m sorry. it’s not you that i’m finding amusing, it’s…” there it is again, the same laugh that had just sounded moments ago. truly, he isn’t laughing at her, but at their situation and how they came to be. two good friends with countless memories and shared moments in tow, perhaps the smart thing would be to not soil such a foundation by succumbing to physical urges despite his body telling him otherwise. “…it’s just that something feels off doing this with you, y’know? my good friend aera, my not-day-one-but-close-to-day-one girl friend. you’re hot, don’t get me wrong.” there’s a brief pause and he eyes her up and down as if for effect and confirmation. oh yeah, she’s hot. “but for some reason i can’t…do i sound ridiculous? i probably do.” he finishes off with another laugh before turning his head sideways to look at her, body twisting to follow as he props himself up with an elbow.

from the curve of her feet in eagerness, the warm flush of her skin as the inevitable effect of being in close contact with another body, and the thrum of anticipation loud in her ears — the intimate intricacies of desire were sorely missed. as she watches him from under her lashes, aera cannot help but wonder just what took them so long to reach this point. there was no denying that she had always thought that sungho was incredibly attractive; certainly the type of man she could have easily fallen for based on looks alone. yet their high school personas were so stringent on never crossing the boundaries of their friendship ( on her end, she just didn’t want to hook up with someone she wanted to one up ) that her attraction was never accounted for. 

what changed?

perhaps it was the desperation bubbling from within her. her frustration bleeding into something that shouldn’t make sense until her body was tricked into believing that it does. the despondence of losing to a newborn daughter, knowing that she will never be loved as much as this child would be. it had her running; desperately looking for a place to find affection. aera does not regret being here — to find solace in the taste of sungho’s lips was the very companionship she needed. however, the more that they stray farther away from rationality the more that the entire ordeal feels wrong. the peculiarity of it slowly creeping in from within the recesses of her mind, trying to break through her. it was not until they broke apart, staring into each other’s eyes that she sees her own thoughts reflected in his own eyes.

"nothing, i think!” she laughs even though there’s something sad about it. “that’s not to say that i never did anything embarrassing because i know that i did when i was a kid but they were both too busy to ever take notice. now, i’m confident enough to say that i’m way too careful for them to ever catch on to anything. you learn as you grow!”

"i’d say buy something insanely expensive but honestly, i don’t think it qualifies.” that certainly wasn’t love; more of an infatuation, lust, something fleeting. the question had her deep in thought. disappointment slowly clouding her features as she begins considering the fact that perhaps she has never fallen in love like that. a love so encompassing you felt compelled to do something crazy, just to make sure that it would never slip from your fingers. “romantically, i don’t think i’ve ever done anything crazy. when it comes to familial love on the other hand...” mulling it over, she thinks about her mother and what she chose to do several years back for her happiness. “sacrifice. you know, the suffering for them and their happiness type of crazy.”

aera emits the most frustrated groan ever heard from her as soon as an answer came to mind. shaking her head in part embarrassment, part annoyance, her lips were set in a grim straight line before answering. “the rolex watch i bought for my asshole of an ex.” defeated, she crosses her arms as her frustration began getting the best of her. “granted, it was only one of their entry-level watches and i did give it to him for his birthday but damn it annoys me so much to think about it. he didn’t even have the decency to give it back after all the shit he put me through!” huffing, she prepares to finish her tangent. “he’s definitely not worth rolex. i probably should’ve just gotten him a daniel wellington or worse, those knock-off ones from coupang.”

take the sadness out of saturday night @chraera

[ ... ]

mass drags on longer than any other service haseok has sworn he’s been to — probably a direct sign from god. he catches sight of aera once the ceremony has finished and the churchgoers begin to trickle out of the nave and excuses himself from the younger couple his parents had been speaking to, gravitating towards her.

“actually sort of surprised to see you here,” he says once they’ve fallen into step with one another, the droning of the crowd’s voices making his head hurt again. it wasn’t commonplace to see her here, but it feels nice to have a familiar face around to talk to. she looks pretty, made up to look like a sweet church girl, though haseok knows she’s only dressed up just for the sake of appearances. 

he leads her over to the corner with an array of votive candles and far less people around to eavesdrop on their conversation. in typical haseok fashion, he gets straight to the point, forgoing small talk that wasn’t necessary. “you don’t have any painkillers by any chance, do you?” he doesn’t register the internalized guilt discussing his hangover in church that leaves his shoulders heavy. he feels scrutinized by the intangible. his voice is low, hushed, but still feels like their conversation is being intruded on.

aera used to always believe that religion was a farce; that it was nothing but a symbol of oppression tidied and wrapped up to make it look approachable and righteous in the eyes of the masses. its decadent history proves it so, but even more, oppression was how religion came into her life. it was forced onto her by her father ( quite possibly the farthest person from righteous ) in order to maintain appearances and to gain the ‘desired favour of god’ ( whatever that means ). hence for as long as she knows, aera has been a familiar face within this church’s walls. its stained windows, dark pews, elevated altar, and the smell of incense so remarkable she could close her eyes and conjure such sights and senses in her dreams.

despite her years long reservation when it came to religion, aera was quite the devoted attendee today. sure, her head hurts a little courtesy of the drinks she had the night before; and her younger sister was being quite the nuisance from her side which accounts for the slew of curses she was screaming inside her head; she still manages to maintain her composure and sings the worship songs on cue. to anyone watching, it would be unusual. shin aera always looks as though she enjoys being here. however this time, not only does she look like it, but she feels it. 

as she stands up from her kneeling position, her head down low, she silently repents for the sin that was unearthed during the nam’s divorce party. god, wherever you are, i’m sorry, she speaks to the divinity with all the bashfulness she can muster. i’m grateful for the fact that it was only a pregnancy scare because if it wasn’t, i’m sure i wouldn’t be welcomed here anymore for what i would’ve done next. thank you for humbling me. heaving a sigh, she looks up quickly only to hiss as the harsh light meets her eyes. must have been god’s weary forgiveness, or whatever.

as the service reach its end, she stands up and fixes the creases on her pretty and conservative dress. she immediately removes herself from the vicinity of her father’s family as soon as she catches sight of haseok’s approaching figure. “i had to go. aside from my dad’s insistence, i felt like i had something to apologise for. then again it’s not like i’m not a diligent church attendee.” she says lightly, a small smile on her lips. underneath it all, a fire was brewing ━ the conversation she’s recently had with his younger sister remains stark in her otherwise mushy recollection.

[ ... ]

speaking of—she takes a short video, prefers the look of authentic motion over a still image. the event planner moves with a practiced ease, flitting across the table to neaten it up before she’s distracted by vanity. the business student taps on the screen of her phone, fiddles with the settings for a moment, testing out different filters. the late afternoon sun dusts an orangey-gold hue over aera’s cheeks, au naturale. and, she supposes, disguising some of the ailments rose has been insinuating. not that that really matters all too much to somin herself, as long as the video comes out well.

the younger woman nods and holds out her phone, “here, do you wanna see it first?” she doesn’t usually run them through aera, despite the other technically being her higher up, but she’s already here and the focus of this story, anyway. presses play for her, and waits for an opinion. “really, there’s nothing to fix,” somin reassures her, teasing smile on cherry lips. “you look so very professional, and hot. i’ll probably take a couple of pictures when the party gets going, while, y’know,” a hand wave, unsaid expectations for what a gathering of hannam high’s most notorious alum entails, “everything looks good, but i’ve gotten what i want, set-up wise.”

she melts like putty at somin’s words; ears perked and smile wide over a compliment that she cannot just brush away. aera has always been proud of her many achievements. as a young business owner, she sees the success of her business as a culmination of several years’ worth of dedicated work. hence, any compliments thrown its way had her preening like a contented mother. “thank you, i guess that’s true.” she says affectionately. “but to see it rise to greater heights when you came in had been very rewarding.” aera knows she will write somin the most stellar recommendation letter once she decides her time with shooting star was over.

putting on her scrutinising stance, she tries to be objective as she watches the clip that the younger woman has taken. despite putting on the airs of being nonchalant, the first thing that her eyes flew to was her features ─ good, she did not look as dead as she feels. the makeup had done wonders to her skin and the fabric of her dress clung to her shape. satisfied, aera was quick to turn her attention elsewhere; noting how beautifully somin was able to capture the scene and the way each element in the clip flows wonderfully together. even her actions looked natural. 

along with her mother, gweneira’s the only other person in aera’s list of emergency contacts.

aera sees gweneira as a hybrid between a best friend and a little sister; respects and supports her like the former, desires to protect and uplift her like the latter. 

that being said, there’s no one else she would go down fighting for if not eira. even if you’re friends but you’ve done eira wrongly, then you’re immediately in aera’s block and fight list.

if you think aera doesn’t deserve eira’s friendship, it’s true; she doesn’t and she knows that. it’s why she’s extremely grateful for the younger girl because despite their glaring differences personality wise, she still sees aera as someone worth her time and genuine friendship.  

very supportive of her most talented friend. would watch eira’s opening performances and makes sure to bring her elaborate and expensive flower arrangements.

she used to visit eira in russia as much as she can. every time she does, she makes sure to bring a little token from home to her. if it wasn’t a random snack from the convenience store, it’s tea bags from her favourite tea place. 

alternatively, every time she comes home from her trip and someone asks about eira, she would smile proudly and would excitedly gush about how good she was performing with the russian ballet, talking about random facts she’s learned from eira herself, knowing that these simple things can keep the curious satisfied.

"lying, probably.” spinning white lies, often thought to be harmless when they were far more than that was something aera does too often. there’s no good way to defend dishonesty and blatantly manipulating your words to sound nicer to another person so she refuses to justify her misdeeds. doesn’t matter the overused mantra of ‘the ends justify the means’. it was bullshit; she knows she’s terrible and sometimes that internal admission is just enough. 

“i know objectifying women is a thing of the past but i’d bang nabi, because hello, have you seen her? she’s not just gorgeous but she’s hot. not that i’m into wome ━ whatever, i don’t have to explain myself. moving on,” there’s an unabashed smile on her lips, the question amusing her way more than she would like to let on. “marry jisu because she seems like an absolute sweetheart and wouldn’t it be nice to be married to an angel? plus, she’s an extremely talented idol and i like the fact that this means i can boast about my partner’s accomplishments at any given moment.” despite being quite pleased with herself, she still answers the final option with some slight reluctance. “i guess that leaves blocking miyoung but i’d probably unblock her right after.” 

“i would.” she says without pretence as memories of her own familial heartbreak and neglect came bubbling through the surface. “pain is an important part of human experience, sure, but to be honest i don’t really care for it. if i could live my entire life without having to experience it, i’d love that.” perhaps she would be a better person because of it. after all, it was her own pain that motivates the more sinister side of herself.