geddit it’s a snz pun

“No, you’re fine. I was already awake,” Shane said, his own voice sounding rougher than sleep alone could account for. 

Ilya leaned over, kissed the top of his head, then got out of bed and headed for the bathroom, rubbing his nose with his wrist as he went. Shane replayed the sight in his mind after Ilya closed the bathroom door and felt himself blush. The three honking blows that were loud enough to be heard through the door only made him blush harder, because fuck him if those weren’t the sexiest blows he’d ever heard. Maybe, if the next two weeks went well, one day Ilya wouldn’t bother with getting out of bed and would blow his nose right next to Shane. The fantasy came into his mind almost unbidden – Ilya, slightly pink around the nostrils from sneezing, breathing through his mouth because of how stuffy his nose was, raising tissues to that same nose with both hands (because one hand wouldn’t be enough to do the job properly), and then blowing until a look of sheer relief crossed his face.

Shane looked down; he was already tenting his boxers and there was a slowly spreading wet spot at the apex. Fuck. There was no way Ilya wouldn’t notice that. Maybe if he strategically arranged the sheets… His blush spread down to his neck, imagining Ilya chirping at him about how they’d barely been awake for a few minutes and he was already so wet for Ilya.

He startled, badly, at the click of the bathroom door swinging open and tried to pretend he hadn’t as Ilya walked toward him.

“Coffee?” Shane blurted, unable to help himself from looking at Ilya’s nose before wrenching his gaze to the nearest window and addressing it. “I mean, um, do you want some?” Smooth, Hollander. 

Ilya sounded amused as he said, “Yes. I will need to be caffeinated for later when I take your dick in my mouth.” Still staring at the window, Shane resisted the urge to scrub at his face with both hands by shoving them under his thighs. His success made him realize, to his mortification, that he hadn’t actually covered himself with the sheets before Ilya appeared. Cheeks absolutely flaming, he snuck a glance over at Ilya, who was, of course, staring at his crotch. “Or I can do it now. It looks like you need it.” 

Shane opened his mouth, then closed it, literally speechless. They were going to be honest with each other for the next two weeks, right? He tried again, managing, “I… yeah, fuck, I do.” 

***

On the second morning, Shane woke as soon as the light of dawn crept into the bedroom. He had told himself before going to sleep, in an attempt to quash the part of himself that wondered what if…, that he was lucky to have experienced that morning at all. Still, he hadn’t slept particularly well. 

Ilya, he noted, was still asleep. Shane laid there, hyperaware of Ilya’s breathing, when a hitch interrupted its deep, even rhythm. His own breath caught as Ilya took in a second and then a third hitching breath. He closed his eyes, listening intently, as Ilya stifled three sleepy sounding sneezes. Shane was about to bless him, without the ‘baby’ this time, because that was what normal people did, when Ilya sneezed again, three very awake and itchy sounding half-stifles. Shane’s blood thrilled, some of it bypassing Go and going straight to his dick.

He swallowed in an attempt to moisten his throat before blessing Ilya, who sniffled and rubbed his nose with his whole palm before thanking Shane in his raspy morning voice, his congestion-blunted consonants extra sensual to Shane’s ears.

As he had yesterday, Ilya went to the bathroom, sniffling and rubbing his nose the whole way. Shane wondered if Ilya would notice the box of tissues he’d put in the bathroom yesterday, all the while telling himself it was for no particular reason. Would Ilya use them? And if he did, would it sound different than the toilet paper Shane knew he’d used yesterday? Shane listened hard, taut with anticipation for Ilya’s first blow. When it came, it didn’t disappoint. It was equally as loud as yesterday, but more honking in timbre with a slightly muffled tone. Fuck. Arousal built in the pit of his stomach with Ilya’s second and third blows.

Shane had managed not to get lost in his thoughts, so his lap was covered and he didn’t start when the bathroom door opened, revealing a lightly disheveled (and all the more handsome for it) Ilya. But he still couldn’t meet Ilya’s eyes and had to clear his throat before asking if Ilya wanted coffee. 

***

The events of the third morning made Shane pretty certain that Ilya, his newly minted boyfriend and almost certainly the love of his life, was a morning sneezer. As he lay awake, waiting for Ilya’s breath to hitch, he wondered if Ilya would sneeze three times, like the first morning? Or maybe six, like yesterday? Or… and his cock throbbed just thinking about it – some other multiple of three? 

Ilya’s three hitching breaths sounded more like gasps this morning and Shane wondered what that portended. He got his answer when Ilya sneezed not three, not six, but nine times, each triple harder to stifle than the one before. Jesus. Fucking. Christ. Every time he thought his boyfriend (!) couldn’t possibly get any sexier, he was proven wrong.

“Bless you,” he sighed, then blushed at how fucking breathy he sounded. And then, thinking about how Ilya might rub his nose today, blushed harder.

“Thangk you,” Ilya answered, congestion thicker than the morning before, and brought his fist to his nose, rubbing emphatically at it, producing wet clicking sounds punctuated by thick and itchy sounding sniffles. It was a symphony to Shane’s ears that continued as Ilya made his way to the bathroom but faded out as he closed the door.

Shane fisted his hands in the sheets to keep them at his sides instead of on his dick as Ilya blew his nose one, twice, three times. They had a pronounced honk, which Shane now thought of as characteristic of Ilya blowing his nose, but were also clearly wet and irritated. Shane drew his lower lip between his teeth and exhaled sharply through his nose.

In the quiet after Ilya finished, he released the sheets and artfully draped them over his lap. Then, he timed clearing his throat as softly as he could to be masked by the click of the bathroom door opening as Ilya emerged. 

“Want coffee?” he asked smoothly. Normal. Crushing it.

***

As soon as Ilya opened his eyes on his first morning at the cottage, he felt the usual itch in his nose overwhelm his senses. He might not have remembered where he was had a warm, shirtless body not been pressed against his. Shit. He did not want to wake Shane with his stupid waking-up sneezes. Not daring to even sniffle, Ilya scrunched his nose, feeling frustrated when the tickle only grew stronger. He turned his head towards his shoulder with an uncontrollable hitching breath, then two more, and stifled three sneezes as quietly as he could. “hHh…huhH…hhh-!…hgk’xt! …n’gxt! …hih’NGKshht!” He let out a breath afterwards, ignoring the way stifling made the sinus pressure beneath his eyes worsen. But it was worth it, because even though the third sneeze had nearly gotten away from him, Shane hadn’t stirred, slava bogu.

Then Ilya heard a soft “bless you, baby,” from beside him, and the sound - and the pet name - made his heart jump. Still in the process of waking up after being yanked out of slumber by his rude, itchy nose, he took Shane’s rougher-sounding voice for the man’s own sleepiness. But Ilya knew Shane well enough by now to know that his voice when he blessed him sounded very similar to his voice when he was turned on. Hm. Curious. 

Ilya wanted to laze in bed for as long as he could with this beautiful man, but of course, as was customary after a morning fit, he desperately needed to blow his nose. He felt a little embarrassed about the idea of disturbing the quiet of the room with his foghorn-like blows, so he kissed the top of Shane’s head and padded over to the bathroom. Along the way, he needed to bring up his wrist to rub at his nose, which was prickling again with irritation. Don’t be so fucking impatient, he scolded it. I’ll deal with you in just a second. 

He closed the door, then unrolled some toilet paper and held it to his nose in both hands. When he was this congested, blowing quietly wouldn’t do; he needed to get this itch out of his sinuses as quickly and thoroughly as possible. So, praying that the walls were thick enough, he took in a deep breath and allowed himself three long, loud honking blows to alleviate his congestion. Ilya had gotten less self-conscious about his nose blowing over the years (even though the time he’d heard a Russian teammate on the Raiders call him slon - elephant - still made him flush when he thought about it), but he was a bit nervous that Shane would think it was gross or too noisy. He’d just gotten to the cottage, and he did not want to kill the mood because his nose sounded like a trumpet every goddamn morning.

After an involuntary sigh of relief, Ilya swiped beneath his nose with the destroyed paper, took a deep breath, and prepared himself for his first morning waking up with Shane Hollander. 

When he left the bathroom, he saw that Shane’s face was very red and he wasn’t looking Ilya in the eye. Why did he look like he’d been caught doing something naughty? And then…oh. Ilya saw the tent in Shane’s boxers and - oh god - the precum on them, too. His own dick twitched at how absolutely delicious the other man looked. His heart melted when he realized how embarrassed Shane was when he suggested a pre-coffee blowjob, then sped up when Shane actually agreed to it. Fuck, his “rival” was going to be the death of him.

Ilya was thankful that they’d decided to be honest with each other. Although…it seemed like Shane was still hiding something from him.

***

On the second morning, Ilya knew something was up with Shane. 

Somehow, Ilya woke up mid-hitching breaths, and had half a second to think, Am I awake? before he was turning to the side with three “hhh’kgxt’shhue… huhhh’hgnxst–cheww… ahhHNXKT’shhewww…” sneezes that sounded as tired as he felt. He needed to stay frozen in place for another three, much more poorly stifled, sneezes: “hhh–heISH’hhht! hhgh’MMPSHhff! hehheh’NNGHT’shiew!” Fuck…the air at the cottage was making him extra itchy.  

Even in his sleepy, sneezy state, Ilya had noticed something unusual. As he’d gasped once, twice, three times as his body prepared to succumb to his daily waking-up sneezes, he’d heard an intake of breath from the man lying beside him. It sounded…anticipatory. It sounded…excited. But he hadn’t been able to unpack that while his body was so concentrated on relieving itself from this ridiculous tickle, especially during his next triple. 

When Shane blessed him with the same aroused tone of voice as the day before, Ilya found himself wondering…no, it couldn’t be. But the question stayed with him as he thanked Shane in an embarrassingly gravelly voice, left the bed, then blew his nose three times in the en suite with tissues from the box on the counter that hadn’t been there yesterday. When he came back out after another quick nose rub, Ilya heard the sound of rustling. A scarlet-faced Shane was sitting up with the blankets covering the lower half of his body, and suddenly, Ilya was fully awake. Was Shane as hard as he’d been yesterday? Ilya actually licked his lips as the other man, eyes averted, asked if he wanted coffee. “Fuck the coffee,” Ilya growled, desperate to have Shane moaning under his touch, not even giving him the chance to respond before he pounced. 

***

On the third day, Ilya was absolutely sure that Shane liked it when he sneezed. The alert little intake of breath as Ilya hitched towards his morning fit (nine - fucking nine - sneezes), the hoarse “bless you” (with no “baby” after the first day, which Ilya really wished would make a comeback), the blushing, the fact that he wouldn’t look Ilya in the eye, the full box of tissues that had so thoughtfully appeared in the bathroom for him to blow his nose into… 

Ilya wondered if Shane was finally going to be completely honest with him before their two weeks together were over.

***

On the fourth morning, Shane felt that, like Ilya, he’d developed a morning routine. Even though he was already awake, nerves buzzing in anticipation, he’d pretend to be asleep for Ilya’s three hitching breaths. Then, after however many sneezes Ilya’s nose required, he’d fake yawn and bless Ilya (just the standard ‘bless you,’ no ‘baby’). He wouldn't jerk himself off frantically while Ilya blew his nose three times in the bathroom. And when Ilya came back into the bedroom, he’d ask if Ilya wanted coffee. All very normal things to do.

Shane had successfully faked sleep during Ilya’s usual build up, even though they sounded more desperate than the previous mornings. But then Ilya didn’t stifle his sneezes and Shane’s plan was shot to hell.

“ehht-TSCHOOooh! heh’gSSHHhhue! hehh’EHHZISCHhhew!”

He would’ve been lying if he said he hadn’t fantasized about Ilya’s sneezing before, but the real thing was so much better. Masculine and loud, but not so much that they edged into scream territory, and just enough voice to make them unmistakably Ilya. 

“hy’ESHHhhuhh! hr’RUSHHhhh’ooh! HADZCHhhhh’hoo!”

“Bless you,” Shane said on autopilot, still dazed.

Ilya sniffled, watching Shane. The brunet looked tenser than usual at this point in the morning, but Ilya knew that was Shane’s body’s reaction to the disruption of routine. Underneath that tension, Shane was clearly, at least to Ilya’s eye, turned on, more so than the previous days. His blush was out in full force, he was looking anywhere but at Ilya, his lower lip was sucked in between his teeth, and he’d started fidgeting, pointing and flexing his toes under the sheets. He was getting antsy, expecting Ilya to head for the bathroom.

Instead of getting up, Ilya put an arm around his boyfriend and brushed his nose gently against his ear. “Shade?” he could hear the stuffiness in his own voice.

“Yeah?” Shane answered, voice cracking in the middle of the word.

A grin stretched across Ilya’s face. God, Shane was adorable. “Do you have something you -snf- would like to share?” 

Shane’s blush deepened and started creeping down his throat, a clear sign that, yes, he did have something to share, but no, he would prefer not to, thank you very much. 

Ilya paused for a moment, just watching Shane, whose body looked rigid enough to snap in half. Wanting to make sure that Shane was not overwhelmed by his obvious nerves, Ilya kissed his neck, then put his nose back up to the other man’s ear and sniffled. With his arm around him, he could feel the shiver that went down Shane’s spine. He gently cupped Shane’s chin and turned his head so they were face-to-face. “Shane,” he said softly. “Lyubimyy. It is okay. I will not judge you, I promise.” He pressed a kiss to Shane’s forehead.

“I,” Shane started, then stopped. He swallowed, then made to duck his head. Ilya released his grip and Shane pushed his face into Ilya’s shoulder. “Sorry,” he apologized, sounding embarrassed, “it’s, uh, easier if I’m not looking at you.”

“Hey, is okay,” Ilya reassured, brushing his thumb over Shane’s arm. “However you need, malysh.” He could feel the faint flutter of Shane’s eyelashes across his skin as Shane closed his eyes. 

“Thanks,” Shane said softly and gathered his courage. “I’ve… I’ve always had a thing, uh, a kink, I guess, for… sneezing. I wasn’t planning on ever telling anyone.” He lifted his head a little, enough for Ilya to see that his eyes were bright with unshed tears. “Guess you’re the exception to every rule.” He blinked, causing a tear to slip down his cheek. “Sorry, I don’t know why I’m getting so emotional about this.”

“Hey, hey, sweetheart, is okay,” Ilya soothed, alarmed at the tears starting to fall from his love’s big brown eyes. He grabbed for a tissue from his nightstand and blotted at Shane’s face. Fuck, had he pushed him too far? The last thing he wanted was for him to feel uncomfortable and hide himself away. “Thank you for telling me.”

“You’re welcome,” Shane said automatically, then grimaced. “I don’t know why I said that. It’s like telling the person behind the check-in counter to have a good flight.” 

Ilya let out a laugh, feeling a rush of fondness towards his polite Canadian boyfriend. “I understand you, honey,” he said, brushing his thumb over the cheek he had just wiped tears from. 

Shane’s lips curled slightly in a relieved smile, which broadened as he melted at the endearment. But then he remembered what they’d been talking about and tensed up again. Ilya hadn’t actually said anything about his confession – what if he thought Shane was disgusting? Or he was weirded out by the idea? Or, or, or… Or he could just… ask. “So, uh, what do you. What do you think?” It was a measure of how at ease he felt with Ilya, that he could actually stop himself from spiraling before it got too far.

Ilya put his arm back around Shane and squeezed. “I think is fine,” he said. “Is very sweet, actually. Liking a sneeze? That is innocent.” Shane’s eyebrows furrowed at that, clearly skeptical. “Is the truth,” Ilya responded.

Shane huffed a soft laugh at that, some of the tension in his body unwinding. “Would you ever– I mean. Would you want to– fuck.” He groaned, letting his head fall back against Ilya’s shoulder. 

“Do you want me to sneeze for you, Shane?” Ilya whispered into Shane’s ear.

Shane’s anxiety had quashed his arousal, but Ilya’s words set him aflame. “Fuck, Ilya,” he muttered, pressing an open mouthed kiss to the curve of Ilya’s deltoid.

“I would do anything for you,” Ilya said, truthfully. “And you are in luck, because I sneeze a lot anyway.” He pressed his nose, then a kiss, against the top of Shane’s head.

“I did notice that over the past few mornings, yes.” Shane paused, thinking, and pointed out, “You haven’t blown your nose yet.”  

“Hmmm. You’re right.” Ilya sniffled a few times. “I am feeling extra stuffed up now.” He looked at Shane with a mischievous glint in his eye. “Would you like it if I blow my nose right here?”

Well. Yes. Yes, he would. Shane nodded wordlessly, but his eyes were heavy-lidded and his pupils were blown with desire.

“You know, Shane,” Ilya said as he plucked two tissues out of the box on his nightstand, “Sobetibes” - the congestion was creeping back into his voice - “if I wait too long to blow my dose, I sdeeze some more. Let us see if that happens.” He held the tissues to his nose in both hands, took in a deep breath, and blew. The sound was loud, as always, but Shane was struck by how much louder it felt without a door and wall in the way. He was also surprised at how much more crazy it drove him – being able to see Ilya, his big hands engulfing his face, the tissues just peeking out, his eyes squeezing shut with exertion, and to feel Ilya, his rib cage expanding in preparation, then the muscles in his torso contracting as he blew. Shane’s thighs pressed against each other reflexively, needing friction. His eyes wanted to flutter closed with desire, but he kept them open and trained on Ilya with no small effort. He wanted to commit everything about this to memory. And if Ilya was going to sneeze again, he wanted to watch.

And right on cue…Ilya took in another breath, this one a little shaky, and his eyes opened but narrowed immediately after, and his brows knitted upward as he hitched again, then again, his chest expanding more and more with each inhale, and–

“AAH’IDSHHhh’hoo! HAESHHhhhh’uhh! hyy’ESSCHhhh’ue!”

Shane didn’t know if he’d ever been this turned on before. He felt almost lightheaded from how fast he’d hardened. Was he going to come just from this? That would be, despite how sweet Ilya was being about all this, kind of embarrassing. 

Ilya sniffled, cleared his throat, looking a little dazed, then looked over at Shane. His eyes crinkled and his grin grew wolfish. He kept his eyes on Shane’s as he pulled two more tissues from the box. But before he blew again…

“Aren’t you going to bless mbe, Holladder?”

Shane shuddered at hearing his last name in Ilya’s congested voice, involuntarily arching his back and rolling his hips. “Bless you, baby,” he sighed out, voice thick with desire. 

“Oh, thank you, lyubov moya,” Ilya said with a wink, and as he blew his nose with one hand, he squeezed Shane’s crotch with the other. 

“Fuck!” Shane’s head thunked back against the headboard at the touch. “Oh, God, Ilya,” he moaned, “I… oh, I think I’m close.”

“Then let’s get you closer,” Ilya purred, reaching into Shane’s boxers and circling his thumb around the dripping tip of his dick. Shane cried out as his hips bucked up into the touch. 

“Oh fuck Ilya please, please,” Shane panted. He was far gone enough that the next words came out without any self-consciousness. “Do you need–ah! Could you sneeze again?”

“Hmm,” Ilya said, smiling, still rubbing at Shane’s head. “Let us see if I can…” 

“Please,” Shane pleaded, getting a little whiny with sheer want, “I really wanna come to you sneezing, you drive me fucking crazy…”

“Bossy.” Ilya’s smile grew wider, and he made Shane gasp when he took two fingers from the hand not touching Shane, pressed them against the bridge of his crooked nose, and tweaked it to the side. His face immediately fell, and he himself gasped with three distinct, itchy-sounding “hHhehh…Hhehh…ehEHhhh–!”s before jackknifing forward, still holding Shane in hand. 

“HAAESHHhhh’oooh! GY’ISZCHHhhh’ue! hhEGHH’ISSSCHhuuhh!”

Shane’s mouth opened in a silent scream and his hips pressed down hard into the mattress as his orgasm slammed through him, his dick pulsing against Ilya’s hand and come spurting through Ilya’s fingers. In a trance, he faintly heard the shfff of Ilya taking tissues from the box, then blowing his nose again, the stuffy honk and sigh of relief after sending another pulse of desire through Shane.   

“So,” Ilya said after a long pause. “You like?”

Shane, almost back to Earth, looked at Ilya, totally blissed out. “Fuck yeah I like,” he said, a dreamy smile spreading across his face.