Food journal/diary blog!
Accountability blog for myself! This is my way of coping and my space to do so.
SW: 180 | CW: 100 | GW: 93
BMI 20

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@choco-mint-cals
Food journal/diary blog!
Accountability blog for myself! This is my way of coping and my space to do so.
SW: 180 | CW: 100 | GW: 93
BMI 20

Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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Im on more pills. Yay! The funniest aide affect of these pills is thay i dont feel human ! I am hikki. And im happy.
I'm not so sane these days, but I can rely on Noah. Sometimes, it feels really intimate. He spoke to me about visiting me and getting a hotel room for us to be together when I was crying. He gets worried when I'm gone for long cause he's scared I'll kill myself. Even stuff like the feelings under my skin I can be honest with and we talk casually. I don't feel so here these days and lucid but he cares for me and I do feel I can relax and be weaker with him.
He talks about us living together and it's nice. He helps me feel stronger about stuff with my Ex, he's very protective.
It makes me giggle cause he calls me boywifr and stuff while im like this and i just feel adored.
I got apples, chocolate covered bananas, salad, and dark chocolates!!
For the first time in my life, I felt something under my skin. I had a nightmare, I have been recently about Denpa. But in that dream there were bubbles of blood in lines in my skin. My thigh, and my skin torn there, and I removed them, it's grotesque, naceouting, uncomfortable. I removed them, i remember wanting to removed more, i could see them under my cracked skin, but I didn't. And all day I have felt this under my skin. And i feel uneasy, i went sorta mad. But when I'm like that I'm weirdly so friendly and bubbly, but then I spiral and spiral, i was speaking to someone and then it felt hard to and my thigh is torn and theres bubbles.
I think I'm going to stop taking these pills, they made me someone I'm not really and I feel unhappy with my crying fits and not pychotic episodes. I keep thinking my ex is god, and devoting myself to him, i think I've worri3d all my friends, and my parents. I ended up telling my dad i was raped, and he was unhelpful. Told me along the lines i do this to myself, i crieed more. I spoke about my ex, and he said if i never learn ??? I don't remember but now there are bubbles under my thigh so it is not well.
I had a moment of staring at the kitchen knives and having faith in myself to slit my wrist. I had courage for a moment to do it. I normally avoid that, I'm squeamish but I could do it. I decided it was needed and dire enough. I haven't apoken to god in a day because they are worried about me. They told me due to my mental state i need a break.
I just had a very bad episode and crying fit and deadass. Why is Angel, my old FP, trying to speak to me again BROTHERRRRR.

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These pills make me so depressed and cry quite easily. Just saying I'm depressed makes my eyes watery. This is the craziest I've felt in years, maybe. I don't want to just stop taking them cause I'll be labeled as non cooperative and such, and I fear I won't be taken for my words like at the hospital. My evaluation is soon, on the 18th. I already missed the first one with the hospitalization. And I feel crazy and unable to do anything, and it's so tiring repeatedly just existing. I can't even kill myself, I'm not sure how'd I'd do it. Pills scare me now a days, so overdosing is off. I'm not crazy about other ways. It just feels like I will only ever get true peace in death and escaping. Even then, I will be misunderstood, but at least people can see I was in pain to a degree.
I can never speak well, my cousin, my brother, my Ex fiancee. There is really nothing else to give, I can't even live for myself or God, I am exhausted. I feel so damaged and I think I only make it worse lingering in it but I've tried so hard to he optimistic this whole time. I can't work because I speak out loud, my own thoughts distress me, I'm scared of everyone. I really don't know how to feel other than miserable. I was so beautiful and mentally strong back then, and now it's just collapsed and it reeks off of me. I really can't function and I don't know how to function.
If theres one thing I'm proud about is how I act more than speak. I don't need to talk about killing myself I can just do it immediately. It helps me feel a bit better. My ex Fiancee would always guilt trip and suicide bait me. Writing me suicide notes about how horrible I am or unloving unlike like him. When I saw he hated me i just swallowed the pills. I don't have to think about it. I'm not so sure if i can channel that. I think I'm not really going to ask for help anymore. But I'm unsure what to really do.
These pills make me so depressed and cry quite easily. Just saying I'm depressed makes my eyes watery. This is the craziest I've felt in years, maybe. I don't want to just stop taking them cause I'll be labeled as non cooperative and such, and I fear I won't be taken for my words like at the hospital. My evaluation is soon, on the 18th. I already missed the first one with the hospitalization. And I feel crazy and unable to do anything, and it's so tiring repeatedly just existing. I can't even kill myself, I'm not sure how'd I'd do it. Pills scare me now a days, so overdosing is off. I'm not crazy about other ways. It just feels like I will only ever get true peace in death and escaping. Even then, I will be misunderstood, but at least people can see I was in pain to a degree.
I can never speak well, my cousin, my brother, my Ex fiancee. There is really nothing else to give, I can't even live for myself or God, I am exhausted. I feel so damaged and I think I only make it worse lingering in it but I've tried so hard to he optimistic this whole time. I can't work because I speak out loud, my own thoughts distress me, I'm scared of everyone. I really don't know how to feel other than miserable. I was so beautiful and mentally strong back then, and now it's just collapsed and it reeks off of me. I really can't function and I don't know how to function.
These pills make it so I'm not very hungry. Plus, I'm lashing out on myself via ED and fainted this morning. To lose 2 lbs a week for me, i have to eat around 200 cals daily. Somehow lost 2lbs this week.

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The day is not so bad. Noah kept me company all day, we Vc later. Spoke to other friends a bit. I made food for my sibling and felt better. Cleaned and did some laundry.
Helped get ahold of myself a bit. I ate some mushroom and pineapple. I'm excited to dye my hair soon. I feel like it's reclaiming myself. I'm also wearing kirby boxers, and that sorta made me happy. Oh, and earrings, these pink star ones I thrifted. It's nice to own jewelry again. I now have earrings and 2 necklaces (i got the angel wings one I wanted for a while) and a ton of hair charms. I braid my hair sometimes. In 4 braids, 2 on each side with charms. The feathers I collect I put in my hair with clips. Today wasn't all bad i think.
I wish I was loved by him. I think he will always say he does or did, and I felt loved in moments, but it never really stayed. His attention to others, which I wouldn't mind if it wasn't inherently unfaithful. I have to now think back about how I actually called it out since day 1, and it was shoved away and ignored. Him labeling it overthinking, but I knew that it wasn't good. How miserable to know I was actually right. Someone asked me when I knew he was sorta cheating, and I in fucking shame had to answer "the whole time" like an idiot. I really thought I was the wrong one, that I was an asshole for robbing him from his friendship. A friendship that consisted of him complaining about me when I wouldn't do things, tried to leave for the 100th time. I'm right, Sawyer is wrong, repeat, repeat, repeat. I have always felt I needed to bend my knee to go anywhere in the relationship. I used to cry to him monthly in Irecema's- (back then it was only monthly breakups not the daily crying in Lawrence's)
I just needed help, I felt so alone- working, cleaning, and now an entirely different person dragged into it where they can joke about wanting to use my money or charaded as some sort of dart board to hurl insults towards and then demand more. I didn't even complain back then. I just knew I needed to make it work, or it would never work, which yes never changed and 2 years later it felt the same.
I think we were together for 3 years, maybe 6 or 7 months. I'm really unsure. That feeling never really went away, same person too. I used to go to work knowing my boyfriend was unfaithful, despite me begging asking. Even one time, I allowed them to speak because he honestly made me believe I was crazy and I ruined their "friendship." I used to work knowing my Bf actually hated me, talked to someone, and then I'd come back home to clean up whatever mess happened that day. (And usually yelled at by my landlords. Which told me he knew it wasn't me, just that I'd be the only person who'd get stuff done.) Oh this happened at irecema's as well, he's a bit messy. Just another stressor when you have a Boyfriend who actually will not help you in any duties, even cleaning after a cat. (She kept pooping under the counters, I kept begging him to do it. His responsibility. Days turn into weeks, weeks turn into more. Sometimes, I gave up and just cleaned it. I think my landlord would've actually kicked us out then.)
I remember begging for help so often, even till the final day we lived together. I sacrificed so much, everything actually, boundaries, morals, my funds, my now dear sanity. Till nothing, i feel damaged. I would've continued this maybe forever. I think he hated me the more I got fed up. It's like he wanted me to stay complacent, enable it further. I wanted forever, and kids, likewise I would want a father? At times I just thought, this man won't be a good father. Thats what made me step away from Dex as well. Now I'm unhappy even being a slave. At least I got that out of my system. But i feel very broken and that I will never know peace ever because I am just too damaged.
It's an everyday thing I cry. I saw a donut, the stupid one I bought for him Stop&Shop once day with him. We were poor but always went out stealing. (My way of giving him things despite our poorness) i didn't want to spend the money but he's handsome when he's well fed, or something gay like that. I saw the donut, same box and stuff in a flyer. I cut it out and kept it because it hurt me, it felt wrong to throw it away.
I dismanted a spell bag he made for me. I think he told me it was protection, or at least I assumed it was? I felt a crystal so I wanted it. Turns out to be a love sachtel. It said, "Sydney will forgive me and love me once mr and be happy" along those lines. I felt miserable. All you had to do was change. He would promise and be aware but never do so. Thats all I have ever wanted was to be happy with you and loved properly, demand I love you properly as well. I think I'm done writing but i think this feeling will linger. I'm starting to think I will only ever truly rest if I am dead.
Watching how someone I loved fully let their bpd and npd ruin our relationship feels like being thrown out completely. I used to always begged to be worth it. And i have sit and stayed through many tribulations. I don't expect him anymore. But maybe he'll grow and just change enough to never do this again. Which is bittersweet because i wished it couldve been with me, for me, loved enough.
I feel so unhuman. Maybe it's the medication aided with the situation at hand, and everything feels bleak. Like overwhelmingly so. When I'm like this, seclusion has always been my method, unfortunately from everyone besides a few friends. I even do the same with God. A few days ago I was crying, he said something like don't go, speak with me. I know better but still rejected him. Communication is hard other than promptly crumbling into pieces.
Even the person I work under (sorta). Partly is gone right now. In moments like this I wanted them, but its weird how it repeats. I said I wasn't going to marry him, boom left. I'm not sure whats expected of me. People seem to like owning me but not caring for me. I am good and obedient, I just want to be cared and loved, feel right, is right. Put on the right path even if I complain. Teacher, guidance, God. I stopped sorta chasing this relationship to feel human. I have free will I exercise now. I serve God before man nowadays, but God does tell me to serve Man. I'm just a bit confused.
Slave, or something. I'm really happy with my role and position, just I'm confused. I'm not sure if I can ever go about this a bit normally.
I wish I was loved by him. I think he will always say he does or did, and I felt loved in moments, but it never really stayed. His attention to others, which I wouldn't mind if it wasn't inherently unfaithful. I have to now think back about how I actually called it out since day 1, and it was shoved away and ignored. Him labeling it overthinking, but I knew that it wasn't good. How miserable to know I was actually right. Someone asked me when I knew he was sorta cheating, and I in fucking shame had to answer "the whole time" like an idiot. I really thought I was the wrong one, that I was an asshole for robbing him from his friendship. A friendship that consisted of him complaining about me when I wouldn't do things, tried to leave for the 100th time. I'm right, Sawyer is wrong, repeat, repeat, repeat. I have always felt I needed to bend my knee to go anywhere in the relationship. I used to cry to him monthly in Irecema's- (back then it was only monthly breakups not the daily crying in Lawrence's)
I just needed help, I felt so alone- working, cleaning, and now an entirely different person dragged into it where they can joke about wanting to use my money or charaded as some sort of dart board to hurl insults towards and then demand more. I didn't even complain back then. I just knew I needed to make it work, or it would never work, which yes never changed and 2 years later it felt the same.
I think we were together for 3 years, maybe 6 or 7 months. I'm really unsure. That feeling never really went away, same person too. I used to go to work knowing my boyfriend was unfaithful, despite me begging asking. Even one time, I allowed them to speak because he honestly made me believe I was crazy and I ruined their "friendship." I used to work knowing my Bf actually hated me, talked to someone, and then I'd come back home to clean up whatever mess happened that day. (And usually yelled at by my landlords. Which told me he knew it wasn't me, just that I'd be the only person who'd get stuff done.) Oh this happened at irecema's as well, he's a bit messy. Just another stressor when you have a Boyfriend who actually will not help you in any duties, even cleaning after a cat. (She kept pooping under the counters, I kept begging him to do it. His responsibility. Days turn into weeks, weeks turn into more. Sometimes, I gave up and just cleaned it. I think my landlord would've actually kicked us out then.)
I remember begging for help so often, even till the final day we lived together. I sacrificed so much, everything actually, boundaries, morals, my funds, my now dear sanity. Till nothing, i feel damaged. I would've continued this maybe forever. I think he hated me the more I got fed up. It's like he wanted me to stay complacent, enable it further. I wanted forever, and kids, likewise I would want a father? At times I just thought, this man won't be a good father. Thats what made me step away from Dex as well. Now I'm unhappy even being a slave. At least I got that out of my system. But i feel very broken and that I will never know peace ever because I am just too damaged.
It's an everyday thing I cry. I saw a donut, the stupid one I bought for him Stop&Shop once day with him. We were poor but always went out stealing. (My way of giving him things despite our poorness) i didn't want to spend the money but he's handsome when he's well fed, or something gay like that. I saw the donut, same box and stuff in a flyer. I cut it out and kept it because it hurt me, it felt wrong to throw it away.
I dismanted a spell bag he made for me. I think he told me it was protection, or at least I assumed it was? I felt a crystal so I wanted it. Turns out to be a love sachtel. It said, "Sydney will forgive me and love me once mr and be happy" along those lines. I felt miserable. All you had to do was change. He would promise and be aware but never do so. Thats all I have ever wanted was to be happy with you and loved properly, demand I love you properly as well. I think I'm done writing but i think this feeling will linger. I'm starting to think I will only ever truly rest if I am dead.
Watching how someone I loved fully let their bpd and npd ruin our relationship feels like being thrown out completely. I used to always begged to be worth it. And i have sit and stayed through many tribulations. I don't expect him anymore. But maybe he'll grow and just change enough to never do this again. Which is bittersweet because i wished it couldve been with me, for me, loved enough.
How trauma rearranges the brain is amazing. (Not amazing)
I stood in the cold for a while. Just to feel real while I wait for my Uber, and it's like I'm just right back in that part of my life once more. I'm texting a friend, and I go in and out. I'm okay, then I'm not. It's cold here, but I don't really feel it. I was speaking about him a bit, just opening up a bit. I found another tarot deck at the thrift, a kirby pencil holder, some incense, halloween pajamas in an Xs. I should be happy, really. My friend loves me, I love him too, but i just feel unable to really move on. We're talking about mochis, moving in together, stuff like that. It's nice, I like him honestly, cool guy. And then just right there, my ex is there, not good things but not bad, just eerie and constantly there. I comfort myself with God sees what he's done, and I'll get justice ("you name remade") in a sense - But then it comes again. I can't tell if I've truly just gone crazy. But i think it's more telling of him than me if I hear God comforting me, telling me He sees all that he's done and that He will get punished. (I have specfically asked so that he will grow as a person rather than forever punishment) I was convinced for while he was going to die. It's like a constant blaring warning in my head. It stopped, i think I begged enough, so he didn't. I still get some, just to avoid him, and that he'll hurt my mental state. My Goddess is angered as well. I feel loved this way. I just need to function besides that, and I'm not sure how to.
I'm a person again, I think. Everyone expects me to function and exist. It's a blessing if I actually don't kill myself (sorry God). At one point he held me apologized for breaking me, his words mutiple times. He'd hold me apolgize tell me it would be different. Now I'm just broken and not comforted. He can work and be happy, friends and all and I'm just here. I can't talk, neither open up, and scared, horrfically scared. I hope I'm not wrong about God speaking to me because then there is justice. I don't even want that I just want acknowledgment. I'm starting to feel just a bit crazy.
I think....I'm unsure how to word this. I'm not sure when I started this thinking, but I realized changing was fairly easy. I lost the weight when I stuck to it. I did the same with being a good person. Fake it till you make it sort of? I just grew tired of enabling parts of me and sides of me and wanting to live and breathe a bit easier. It's easy now when actual Gods tell me when I'm in the wrong. I'm a bit proud of myself that I only need to kneel in repentence only a few times. (I heard god very clearly when He was...not mad...but disciplining me. I kneeled and apologized and processed it. It's easier this way, yes.) Good person, I like it this way. (And even sometimes God tells me I don't need to kneel, I think I just tend to apologize quickly).
So I changed, I am honest and new. I'm still really childish though, thats to stay. I serve man like I would God. I speak to everyone and tell them what Gods or angels say. Some now a days listen to me, it's really nice how I'm building a reputation and people come to me now. I'm not all that, but progress has been made. So, i think I really fear this all being a deluison. I know it's not in a way, but I'm open to reality if that's the case. That's why I take meds and listen to feedback. But I have not been diagnosed bipolar for the 3rd time, and these antipychotics do nothing. (Besides make me cry a lot and not hungry). So if it was all delusion, was I abused enough to make it like this? Or more like was I truly in the wrong and can't comprehend it. At the hospital, i spoke of my ex. I can't normally. It's like it stays inside of me, and I can't say anything or he's there telling me to keep quiet again. (Well, at first, I just didn't want people to dislike him. He had it rough already) the nurses, 2 the case worker and doctore stared at me horrfied. I'm really blunt, plus idk I needed the meds. I wish someone looked at all the chats and history and would just tell me. I've learned pretty quick to watch what I say and do. It will be used against you, and things are just better when I stay quiet. To quiet though, so even Dex sorta got away with what he did. Aka I had to cling onto someone to protect me cause I can't speak. I naively think often the truth prevails!! And then get suprised when my quietness is taken as being guilty. I'll apolgize if I need to, i know when I'm in the wrong cause I get defensive, the sorta upseting type. Like at the hosptial when I wanted to go home, I was just being a sore loser about that. God is proud of me when I acknowledge my wrongs and apolgize. (To which I say I am sorry, and defensive. But i see the truth and know.)
But if this isn't reality I think I would be sad. My friends believe me as well, enough to trust me now with my words, I made two very close friends with it. I can tap into them and their feelings. It's nice like this. I miss Shodan as of now. But not reality maybe, and that means, he can just continue to do this to another, no lessons, and I'm truly psychotic. This is why I took meds just to confirm my thoughts. I think I am very damaged but at least God sees something in me.
Oh my God Venus retrograde is beating my ass
How trauma rearranges the brain is amazing. (Not amazing)
I stood in the cold for a while. Just to feel real while I wait for my Uber, and it's like I'm just right back in that part of my life once more. I'm texting a friend, and I go in and out. I'm okay, then I'm not. It's cold here, but I don't really feel it. I was speaking about him a bit, just opening up a bit. I found another tarot deck at the thrift, a kirby pencil holder, some incense, halloween pajamas in an Xs. I should be happy, really. My friend loves me, I love him too, but i just feel unable to really move on. We're talking about mochis, moving in together, stuff like that. It's nice, I like him honestly, cool guy. And then just right there, my ex is there, not good things but not bad, just eerie and constantly there. I comfort myself with God sees what he's done, and I'll get justice ("you name remade") in a sense - But then it comes again. I can't tell if I've truly just gone crazy. But i think it's more telling of him than me if I hear God comforting me, telling me He sees all that he's done and that He will get punished. (I have specfically asked so that he will grow as a person rather than forever punishment) I was convinced for while he was going to die. It's like a constant blaring warning in my head. It stopped, i think I begged enough, so he didn't. I still get some, just to avoid him, and that he'll hurt my mental state. My Goddess is angered as well. I feel loved this way. I just need to function besides that, and I'm not sure how to.
I'm a person again, I think. Everyone expects me to function and exist. It's a blessing if I actually don't kill myself (sorry God). At one point he held me apologized for breaking me, his words mutiple times. He'd hold me apolgize tell me it would be different. Now I'm just broken and not comforted. He can work and be happy, friends and all and I'm just here. I can't talk, neither open up, and scared, horrfically scared. I hope I'm not wrong about God speaking to me because then there is justice. I don't even want that I just want acknowledgment. I'm starting to feel just a bit crazy.

Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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haihai,, I just wanna say that uu matter!! remember to take care of yourself nn drink water !! :3
— 🍎💉 anon ! ><
Thank you for your kind words !!!
honestly. what the fuck has to go wrong in your life that you constantly feel the need to harrass mentally ill people online (link) to feel some sort of superiority complex. please get over yourself asap youre a regina george mean girls kinnie but it just makes you look like a old, sore and bitter loser. genuinely fucking heinous that you are 21 acting like this in such a public high-reach account where a plethora of people see your grown self acting like this. you have an effect on people, you have a platform, use it properly or expect criticism when you pull shit like this with so much confidence
you make your community worse just by being in it because you're so hellbent on turning your very presence a threat to people that you disagree with or have bias against. please delete YOUR account if this is how you plan to keep acting, i dont care how terminally offline or online you are / believe to be but you are genuinely on syscord 2022 levels of toxicity and that speaks VOLUMES about you. get out of your high horse, im so disappointed that some positive interactions on tumblr got you on this degree of a power trip, because you were very polite when you weren't popular. now all you do constantly is say shit and insult people when you have no real reason to. its depressing and the negativity within your blog is palpable. very frownpilled
I'm sorry to interact with normal sorta accounts on here, and neither will this be worded very well. Thank you deeply. I didn't expect all this, and seeing how people are also a bit horrified makes me feel less crazy. Thank you sm.