choco-mint

I just needed help, I felt so alone- working, cleaning, and now an entirely different person dragged into it where they can joke about wanting to use my money or charaded as some sort of dart board to hurl insults towards and then demand more. I didn't even complain back then. I just knew I needed to make it work, or it would never work, which yes never changed and 2 years later it felt the same.

I think we were together for 3 years, maybe 6 or 7 months. I'm really unsure. That feeling never really went away, same person too. I used to go to work knowing my boyfriend was unfaithful, despite me begging asking. Even one time, I allowed them to speak because he honestly made me believe I was crazy and I ruined their "friendship." I used to work knowing my Bf actually hated me, talked to someone, and then I'd come back home to clean up whatever mess happened that day. (And usually yelled at by my landlords. Which told me he knew it wasn't me, just that I'd be the only person who'd get stuff done.) Oh this happened at irecema's as well, he's a bit messy. Just another stressor when you have a Boyfriend who actually will not help you in any duties, even cleaning after a cat. (She kept pooping under the counters, I kept begging him to do it. His responsibility. Days turn into weeks, weeks turn into more. Sometimes, I gave up and just cleaned it. I think my landlord would've actually kicked us out then.)

I remember begging for help so often, even till the final day we lived together. I sacrificed so much, everything actually, boundaries, morals, my funds, my now dear sanity. Till nothing, i feel damaged. I would've continued this maybe forever. I think he hated me the more I got fed up. It's like he wanted me to stay complacent, enable it further. I wanted forever, and kids, likewise I would want a father? At times I just thought, this man won't be a good father. Thats what made me step away from Dex as well. Now I'm unhappy even being a slave. At least I got that out of my system. But i feel very broken and that I will never know peace ever because I am just too damaged.

It's an everyday thing I cry. I saw a donut, the stupid one I bought for him Stop&Shop once day with him. We were poor but always went out stealing. (My way of giving him things despite our poorness) i didn't want to spend the money but he's handsome when he's well fed, or something gay like that. I saw the donut, same box and stuff in a flyer. I cut it out and kept it because it hurt me, it felt wrong to throw it away.

I dismanted a spell bag he made for me. I think he told me it was protection, or at least I assumed it was? I felt a crystal so I wanted it. Turns out to be a love sachtel. It said, "Sydney will forgive me and love me once mr and be happy" along those lines. I felt miserable. All you had to do was change. He would promise and be aware but never do so. Thats all I have ever wanted was to be happy with you and loved properly, demand I love you properly as well. I think I'm done writing but i think this feeling will linger. I'm starting to think I will only ever truly rest if I am dead.

Even the person I work under (sorta). Partly is gone right now. In moments like this I wanted them, but its weird how it repeats. I said I wasn't going to marry him, boom left. I'm not sure whats expected of me. People seem to like owning me but not caring for me. I am good and obedient, I just want to be cared and loved, feel right, is right. Put on the right path even if I complain. Teacher, guidance, God. I stopped sorta chasing this relationship to feel human. I have free will I exercise now. I serve God before man nowadays, but God does tell me to serve Man. I'm just a bit confused.

I stood in the cold for a while. Just to feel real while I wait for my Uber, and it's like I'm just right back in that part of my life once more. I'm texting a friend, and I go in and out. I'm okay, then I'm not. It's cold here, but I don't really feel it. I was speaking about him a bit, just opening up a bit. I found another tarot deck at the thrift, a kirby pencil holder, some incense, halloween pajamas in an Xs. I should be happy, really. My friend loves me, I love him too, but i just feel unable to really move on. We're talking about mochis, moving in together, stuff like that. It's nice, I like him honestly, cool guy. And then just right there, my ex is there, not good things but not bad, just eerie and constantly there. I comfort myself with God sees what he's done, and I'll get justice ("you name remade") in a sense - But then it comes again. I can't tell if I've truly just gone crazy. But i think it's more telling of him than me if I hear God comforting me, telling me He sees all that he's done and that He will get punished. (I have specfically asked so that he will grow as a person rather than forever punishment) I was convinced for while he was going to die. It's like a constant blaring warning in my head. It stopped, i think I begged enough, so he didn't. I still get some, just to avoid him, and that he'll hurt my mental state. My Goddess is angered as well. I feel loved this way. I just need to function besides that, and I'm not sure how to.

So I changed, I am honest and new. I'm still really childish though, thats to stay. I serve man like I would God. I speak to everyone and tell them what Gods or angels say. Some now a days listen to me, it's really nice how I'm building a reputation and people come to me now. I'm not all that, but progress has been made. So, i think I really fear this all being a deluison. I know it's not in a way, but I'm open to reality if that's the case. That's why I take meds and listen to feedback. But I have not been diagnosed bipolar for the 3rd time, and these antipychotics do nothing. (Besides make me cry a lot and not hungry). So if it was all delusion, was I abused enough to make it like this? Or more like was I truly in the wrong and can't comprehend it. At the hospital, i spoke of my ex. I can't normally. It's like it stays inside of me, and I can't say anything or he's there telling me to keep quiet again. (Well, at first, I just didn't want people to dislike him. He had it rough already) the nurses, 2 the case worker and doctore stared at me horrfied. I'm really blunt, plus idk I needed the meds. I wish someone looked at all the chats and history and would just tell me. I've learned pretty quick to watch what I say and do. It will be used against you, and things are just better when I stay quiet. To quiet though, so even Dex sorta got away with what he did. Aka I had to cling onto someone to protect me cause I can't speak. I naively think often the truth prevails!! And then get suprised when my quietness is taken as being guilty. I'll apolgize if I need to, i know when I'm in the wrong cause I get defensive, the sorta upseting type. Like at the hosptial when I wanted to go home, I was just being a sore loser about that. God is proud of me when I acknowledge my wrongs and apolgize. (To which I say I am sorry, and defensive. But i see the truth and know.)

But if this isn't reality I think I would be sad. My friends believe me as well, enough to trust me now with my words, I made two very close friends with it. I can tap into them and their feelings. It's nice like this. I miss Shodan as of now. But not reality maybe, and that means, he can just continue to do this to another, no lessons, and I'm truly psychotic. This is why I took meds just to confirm my thoughts. I think I am very damaged but at least God sees something in me.