osmanthus fragrans

at the end of every year, i liked to reflect on what happened and set new resolutions for myself... but since the beginning of 2019, i have stopped. perhaps it was the pandemic that made life feel so bland, or perhaps the paper and ink felt so foreign to me now after not having properly written in years. looking back now, i can’t remember much of my emotional state. somehow it feels like just this strange gap in my life that i can never get back. so here’s to picking back up where i left off and reclaiming what i lost, beginning with my 2021 reflection. the writing’s rough and it’s not prose but ah well... 

2020 and 2021 felt very monotonous, and almost indistinguishable from one another. the pandemic has homogenized the years we spent in isolation, away from people and the society. somehow there is a stronger sense of connection yet at the same time, i felt very out of touch with the world and the people around me. in 2021, i was slowly getting the hang of not seeing people as often, meeting people on zoom, and communicating only with eyes. gradually, i settled into a routine where this was the norm. 

majority of this year was devoted to my research work, where i spent days and nights in the lab working away and when away from lab, at home being stressed out about being directionless. i felt like my work was going nowhere and i dreaded going in everyday, but the stress of having to be productive got me up in the morning. and i fell into an unhealthy cycle of working until absolute exhaustion and hating myself for not performing as well on days i am supposed to be recovering. my life became just... lab work... i wasn’t spending time with the people i love and i wasn’t spending time with myself. and when i was trying to spend time away from my research, mentally i never left. this became very very evidently unhealthy by mid december when a series of things not working out compounded within two weeks, leaving me no time to process it all. i found myself crying every night, in the car, and sometimes almost at work. i felt it all tumbling down. i also felt my old habits coming back... closing myself off from people so they can’t disappoint. but i was at the limit of what i was able to handle. 

i am gradually coping now, reprioritizing and refocusing (see resolutions later). despite all, i feel so fortunate to have received so much love from the people around me. we didn’t get to spend too much time together but the moments we shared, no matter how small, felt extra special and just that much more precious. sometimes the love is overwhelming and i don’t know what to do but cry... but i am thankful (so very thankful) for the tears i did shed out of love. where would i be without them? 

anyways, as i have said, this is a very modest beginning of doing these annual reflections again. unfiltered, no longer cryptic like before (but mostly because i cannot write like before from the lack of practice). 

here are my 2022 resolutions:

write more, perhaps by starting a low-commitment journaling

delegate self-time that is strictly no research/lab work, perhaps by leaving work at work or being more present in the morning by spending time to reflect or journal

modify current daily routine to include non-lab activities (exercise? walking? cooking? baking? knitting?) 

generally be more present instead of constantly thinking about work

spend more time with people or doing things i love (schedule in the time beforehand and follow through)

continue therapy started at the end of 2021

exercise more (not with the goal of getting a certain body figure but for a sense of control over my life) 

communicate more my thoughts and feelings

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