where the fuck would we be without garlic honestly

I’m in the bathroom and a girl just came out to her friend ad my shit is halfway out my ass and they heard some plunk into the toilet and one girl said “Is anyone else here?” why do I get stuck in situations like this

once i got very drunk in a bar and my mum had to pick me up so i was trying to act normal by keeping the conversation so i asked her if shes a virgin and she looked at me with pain in her eyes and said “i wish i was”

nothing will fuck you up as much as the realization that there’s no real reason the alphabet needs to be in order

won’t drink lukewarm water but i’ll put another person’s genitals in my mouth

I have this problem where ‘the other day’ for me ranges from yesterday to around 5 years ago

and ‘a friend of mine’ is literally anybody i’ve ever heard of whose opinion i like

if your name is spelled wrong according to microsoft word, then you on the red carpet babe shine on

Passing this good karma

I reblogged this 3 days ago and my skin got clear and I got a message from a guy who refers to me as queen yesterday. Good karma vibes all around.

Do you guys ever say the wrong thing in a conversation and then have it haunt you for months or years afterwards like a social anxiety poltergeist?

a social anxiety poltergeist

Spy Kids is a national treasure

how dare you talk about spy kids as though it is not the most brilliant franchise ever created

swimming pools are so weird man we dig holes in the ground and fill them with liquid we cant breathe in and then spend an hour or so at a time trying not to drown in it

Always pee before painting your nails I cannot stress this enough