JY

The fact that I can look at someone who I’ve known close to 10 years, only to see them staring back at me with nothing but disappointment in their eyes because “that’s not normal”.

The fact that I still love and care greatly for the people I call “my best friends”, knowing deep down that they hate me because I go against their faith or beliefs.

The fact that one day if I am blessed enough to marry the person that I want to spend the rest of my life with, I will not send the wedding invitations to majority of the people that I wish could be there on that special day, just so I can spare them the hassle to decline the invitations, and myself from the pain of rejection.

“I love you but-”

“I believe in equality but-”

“Everyone deserves rights but-”

The buts’. How can I ever compete with the buts’. The buts’ trumps all.

I often wish that I have never came out to anyone at all.

I mean, I’m not blaming anyone nor do I think people SHOULD care about me like someone who is desperately lacking of attention. It’s just, I can’t help but think if I’ve done something wrong, or if I’m not doing something right or enough that I got no one in my life. Maybe I’m just not a really likable person, maybe because I’m not good-looking, maybe I don’t have a good sense of humour, I don’t have a good personality, I don’t have any good qualities or maybe I’m just not good enough in......anything.

Sure I have people who care about me. I have my parents, my family, some friends from university. But, my parents are my parents, my family are my family, and my uni friends are my friends because we happened to be in the same class. They didn’t have a choice or say on whether I become their daughter, their family or their friend. My parents care about me because as parents, it’s their responsibility. My family care about me because I am their family. My friends care about me because they need me around.

If I took all of those descriptors away, where would that leave me? If my parents aren’t obligated to care about me because I’m their daughter, if it isn’t necessary for my family to care about me because we share the same blood, if my friends don’t need me around to contribute in assignments.

If they were’t obliged to, would anyone stay?”

“I don’t really know what to feel about 2018. It wasn’t particular a great year, but I wouldn’t call it a bad year either. It’s a mixture of a lot of good and bad. It definitely felt like the longest year I’ve ever had to experience and it honestly felt like the year was never going to end.”

“Looking back at 2018, I have definitely made a lot of great memories. I have visited Vietnam. Beautiful country, awesome food. One of my edits was played at ClexaCon 2018 in Las Vegas, which was crazy! I am so, so humbled that people enjoyed my videos and that the ClexaCon team wanted my video to be played at such an amazing and major convention. I am extremely grateful for the opportunity.”

“I also went to a lot of movie premieres. And a lot of concerts. I have also attended my first ever stand-up comedy show. There were a lot of sushis in 2018. I went on road trips with my friends. And also travelled overseas alone for the very first time to visit a friend.”

“And as much as I wish for it, it ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. Since January 2018, I’ve been to the doctor’s and hospitals more often than I had to in previous years. And now going into 2019, it’s still going to be that way for a little while. In and out of the hospital. But despite the difficult times and gloomy days, I am very grateful for my parents. My parents who had fetched me and accompanied me to every doctor’s appointment, who had made sure I wasn’t handling more than I should and who had been and will continue to be patient with me.”

“If there is one word to describe my 2018, or shall I say the mood for my 2018 is uncertain. There are a lot of things that I knew and was certain of before 2018 just became a bunch of question marks throughout the year. Because of 2018, I am uncertain of what I want, uncertain of my future, uncertain of the relationships and friendships that I have, uncertain of many aspects of my life. Just a whole bunch of question marks jumbled up. And the only way to get any answers is by moving forward. As cliché as it sounds.”

Pearls of rain droplets bounced off my shoulders as I walked towards my car. It was the type of shower that will last throughout the night and guarantees the best cozy sleeps, the type that was not enough to soak through my shirt but came with the chilly wind that sent shivers down my spine.

I sat in the dark and watched droplets of water merging into each other one after another on the windscreen. I refused to go back home, the one that my folks expect me to return to, the one that is made of concrete. Instead, I am longing to go back home, the one that is made of flesh and blood but I cannot return to.

I started up the engine and headed towards home, the one that knows when I have too much going on in my head with just a look, the one that reaches out for my hand and gives it a steady squeeze, the one that gives my hand a small little rub despite the funny look I will give, the one whose touch I crave for and the one who just, knows.

But I can’t, I ended up in the happiest place on earth I know nearest to home. It’s stupid, still I had a little hope while I scanned through the crowd. I sat alone at the bar with my favourite ice cream, trying to numb my already-cold hands without realising it.

Then you came, and sat across from me. You asked if the seat was taken before giving me a knowing smile. Silence went by, I tried to ignore you while I indulge in my ice cream. Then you told me funny, there were only two plugs in the entire place, and I realised that your presence was all I needed tonight.

We were both there, alone by ourselves. Hours went by, my ice cream was long gone, so was your burger, but who cares, the rain wasn’t stopping, so why should we. And when it was time to leave, we parted ways like we didn’t just spend hours talking about things we are most passionate about and things that we didn’t even care.

I sat in the dark and watched droplets of water merging into each other one after another on the windscreen. I realised I didn’t even get your name. I started up the engine, knowing it didn’t matter which home I head to now, because the night wasn’t that cold anymore.

Home sweet home they said ‘I want to go home’ She thought as she was at home

It’s not just where Snores are muffled In pillows Farewells to stars Are made Homesick For home

It’s where you long To be It’s where you rest your bones Your heart set as stone Lungs expand contract It’s where minds wander to Like how ISA agents are trained A safe place

She found it Somewhere in that goofy smile That little dimple that appeared At the corner of those lips The constellations in those pair of eyes Oh, how she loves stargazing The ever comfortable, soothing voice That stills her heart always Her safe place Her home

17-07-2016

Six. It is her first day at her second kindergarten Fingers pointed to her Giggles followed She doesn’t understand why

Seven. It is her first day at primary school Perhaps it is déjà vu Perhaps it isn’t The stares she noticed It was all too familiar She was approached Questions were asked Now she understands why

Ten. One by one Names were called One by one Their heights were recorded Her name was called Excited She stood against the wall She is cheating Someone yelled from behind the line Her hair is at least 3cm tall Push it down Her teacher laughed along

Eleven. Her parents gave her one name Her classmates gave her a few Her basketball teammates gave her more Maggi Mee Hot Air Balloon Broom Her basketball coach gave her one name One Hokkien name Her coach called her Again Giggles followed She doesn’t understand Hokkien She doesn’t want to understand Hokkien

Eleven. She wants to shut everyone up By shaving her head

Twelve. You are too short We need tall players Even your hair can’t help you Next She’s out of the team

Thirteen. It is her first day in high school She already knew the drill She blames her parents’ genes

Fourteen. It’s rad Unique Different Awesome I love it Don’t care what other thinks She smiled She gave her thank yous She doesn’t believe any of those words

Fifteen. They don’t say it They don’t show it But her three best friends love her Leave it long She scoffed Trust us She does

Sixteen. Cut it Her favourite teacher told her It’s messy It’s worse Trust me She doesn’t

Sixteen. Every day Every recess She bumps into them Every day Every recess A song will be sung to her Sampaikan cintaku padanya Those were the only words she caught As she tries to ignore the group of senior Malay boys She doesn’t understand why Nor does she want to

Sixteen. Down Down And down Down but up What happened To growing upwards She doesn’t know Nobody does Her friends were right Her teacher was wrong

Seventeen. You are a prefect Tie it up It’s very long She doesn’t know how Shaking She walked away From her discipline teacher A hairband was dug up from her mother’s drawer Prussian blue with arctic blue flowers And was shoved into her best friend’s hand the next day Help me One look and no question were asked Her hair was tied up to a ponytail For the very first time

Seventeen. She’s a senior The boys are gone Sampaikan cintaku padanya Answers wanted Answers obtained She stares at the photo of the lead singer of Alleycats Now she knows why

Seventeen. Pretty Beautiful Awesome I’m jealous of you She smiled She gave her thank yous She believes them all

Seventeen. Her friends Her parents’ genes She’s grateful She’s happy

Eighteen. It is her first day in college She already knew the drill She thought she knew She’s grateful She’s happy

Nineteen. Stray strands were pointed out Unbeliveable She stares back at her friend from The other end of the lunch table She’s six again She hears giggles She’s ten again She hears her teacher’s laughter She’s eleven again Maggi Mee hot air balloon broom She’s eleven again She hears that Hokkien word She’s eleven again She wants to shave her head She’s fourteen again She believes nothing She’s fifteen again She scoffs at her best friends She’s sixteen again She hears her favourite teacher She’s sixteen again Sampaikan cintaku padanya She’s seventeen again She doesn’t know how to do a ponytail

Nineteen. She’s nineteen again She scoffs at her friend from The other end of the lunch table She’s grateful She’s happy She doesn’t care