mostly a vent blog because i don't want my recovery blog cluttered with this stuff when i relapse // no need to worry about me, i am literally so bad at having an ed
order of priorities: lower insulin resistance, increase thyroid function, gain muscle mass, lose body fat
the situation: was bedbound for 6 years, got better from my illness, went off thyroid and prediabetes medication (forgot to refill prescription), gained 14 kg in 2 years, on testosterone so a lot of that is visceral fat, here i am.
the strategy: i am so so bad at not eating, so i will not be starving myself/counting calories unless i get super deep into a relapse. the compromise i've been able to make with my brain is prioritising protein (2 sources per meal), 4 days of exercise and 3 days of active recovery per week, and getting back on thyroid meds + prediabetes meds as well as being more diligent with my adhd meds + nicotine (patches used to treat my illness, i don't smoke). currently considering a 12/12 intermittent fasting pattern, and i'm doing a wl hypnosis thing at night (currently on day 3/28) supplemented with subliminals. last relapse i replaced most of my snacking with chewing on not-food (see url), so now that it's a habit i'll just keep doing that.
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is it wrong that i want a bf with ana? not like a dangerous level, just the same level as i was when i was younger. someone i could check against, make sure i'm not eating too much compared to him. someone who would be cool with me having the food scale on the bench all the time the same way i'm cool with his bathroom scale being on the floor and not tucked away. someone who gets it when i start getting cold sooner in the year than i usually would, someone i could wear cute winter outfits with even though it doesn't get super cold here. someone who would remind me to log my food, and i'd do the same. some irl thinspo, and i can be his fatspo for now. maybe that's not healthy, to be in competition with someone you love, but i'm tired of being around people who don't get it at all or are going to monitor me to make sure i'm recovering correctly. maybe i'd push him towards being less severe, or he'd pull me down to his level. who's to say? but it's nice to think about.
gonna see how long i can keep this up for, i'll consider it a success if i keep it up for a week but ideally i'd do longer. btw i know i could go lower, but i still want to enjoy my life so i'm just going to eat my bmr and exercise more. since i'm not super sure that myfitnesspal is linked with hevy and my step counter properly, i'll try to stay as close to 1200 in just intake as i can.
breakfast: 1 small apple + chai latte (i didn't know i wanted to do this yet and fumbled before i even started) - 349
lunch: konjac noodles and tuna with soy sauce and sesame oil - 150
snack: soy protein crisps with milk and honey - 165
dinner: low carb protein wrap burrito with refried beans, cheese, yoghurt, and salsa (and tuna on the side) - 438
dessert: chocolate yoghurt chia pudding - 150
total: 1178
review: really kicking myself for that chai at breakfast. i only managed to get in 87g of protein but i didn't have the cals to get to my goal (120) and i didn't feel like eating another can of tuna. at least tomorrow i'll be prepared and hopefully won't screw myself over.
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so pretty much everyone on edblr (and most people with ana in general) wants a particular weight. like a scale number that proves that they're small enough. the issue with that is that everyone has different heights, bone densities, and muscle masses that mean that 50kg might look very different on one person vs another. bmi only accounts for one of those variables. and there's no real way to know what that number will look like on you until you're at your ugw and still not satisfied. or maybe you're above your ugw and you would be happy with your looks, but because you still put that number on a pedestal, you still feel like you need to go further.
so what i would propose as a goal instead is body fat percentage. that targets specifically what we're all looking for: less body fat. and unlike with bmi or weight, there actually is a set guideline for body fat percentage that will tell you whether you're lean vs average vs fat without being basically a guess based on the average body composition. so if your bones are just really heavy, you don't have to settle for a different goal. if you have really low lean mass, you could be considered normal or uw but still have a fair bit of body fat (me with my bmi of 24 but at 43%bf).
if fat loss is the goal rather than just weight loss, you can preserve essential human functions like not having osteoporosis or muscle wastage so bad you become incontinent, while still controlling the thing you're actually scared of gaining. if your goal is to look sickly, that's fine, but if most of the weight you lose comes from muscle, your body fat percentage actually goes up because there's less of the other stuff to balance it out. even though most pictures of what x% body fat looks like has super bulky people as the examples, you don't have to actually put on loads of muscle to do this if you don't want. just imagine what that level of fat would look like around bone instead of muscle.
it also sounds way more scientific, and people will trust that you're not making yourself super sick if you frame it through the lens of 'losing fat while retaining muscle mass'. when people try and get you to 'put on weight' you can say what your body fat percentage is and give some examples of people (usually athletes or bodybuilders since they're considered less unhealthy than someone with ana) with the same percentage as you as proof you're not inherently unwell.
there are a few ways to test body fat percentage. the most accurate one available to most people is a dexa scan, which is like a low dose xray that measures how much bone, fat, and muscle you have. if you're uw, tell the technician that you're trying to gain muscle so they don't get worried. you get a pretty cool looking picture of where you hold fat, and it also measures how many kg of fat you have (i have over 30 😭) so you can track your progress that way. unfortunately though it can only be done once every 12 weeks so you go a little crazy in between not knowing whether your actions are working. also they're expensive. there's also the calippers method, which can be done as often as you want, but that's not 100% accurate, i've heard. imo it's not a bad way to measure if you can't do a dexa. the 'body fat measuring scales' don't work at all, they're actually measuring water and can be up to 10% above or below (usually below) what you actually are.
anyway yeah. unfortunately the gymbros do win on this one. focussing on body fat percentage (or even better for the people who want very little muscle, fat mass) will make you more accurate with your goals and way more likely to actually be satisfied when you reach them.
you know exactly what dumbass list I mean, and none of that shit is practical, it's giving uwu ana butterfly and we all know it
hi, I'm angel, I'm a nutrition major, and here are tips to keep yourself safe and hide your eating habits that actually make sense. this will not be in any particular order, but
avoid ketosis. i know, i know, you heard it burns fat faster! it also makes you smell like a dog rolled in sharpies and makes you stupid. i'm not kidding, you will be slow as fuck. avoid keto at all costs, carbs are better and healthier than being caught and dumb
take electrolytes and pay close attention to your potassium intake. if you neglect this, you will damage your heart and muscles and run the risk of having a heart attack. i use liquid IV because I have POTS and need the extra sodium, but that brand is also good for ED-havers because it has extra b vitamins
take ultra strength prenatal vitamins. they contain extra folate, fish oil, and dha, all of which are necessary to protect your heart and brain when you're not intaking much food.
For other supplements, I recommend Metamucil to keep your bowels going, iron, vitamin c packets (will make the iron absorb better, I personally use the +immunity ones), b-complex, calcium-magnesium-zinc, and vitamin d. Make sure the b-complex contains b-12. Feel free to send me an ask or dm me for dosages because some of these will depend on where you live geographically or what food you are eating.
find a protein shake you like. I'm a muscle milk bitch personally, but fairlife, premier, etc, are all good. make sure it isn't a meal replacement shake, and make sure it contains at least 20g of protein. these contain vitamins beyond protein that will help you stay healthy. the protein will also keep you full. i recommend using it as milk in coffee because the coffee will also suppress hunger and act as a mild laxative without harming the bowels. don't take your iron along with this, as dairy will hinder the absorption of iron.
don't take laxatives. you're going to give yourself IBD. maybe once a month as an extra cleanout you can do a little miralax, but the natural route is always better. regularly drink coffee and drink specifically senna green tea, they're both natural laxatives. the metamucil i recommend will also keep you going. if you need a bigger laxative effect, blend a whole peeled and seeded orange, a few inches of peeled fresh ginger, juice from a whole lemon, add a tsp each of cracked black pepper and turmeric, blend with coconut water until it's a thin smoothie consistency. drink that, you'll be good.
the best thing you can do for yourself is hide your behaviors behind health food gym girlie orthorexic behaviors. nobody takes orthorexia seriously and they encourage those behaviors. you can cut out whatever the hell you want if you're crunchy and healthy about it.
don't go too crazy about it. old tips would tell you to act like you loved food and it's really obvious. being obsessed with food and cooking is weird and obvious. don't talk about food constantly and make it your whole personality to try to hide, it's bizarre and one of the signs they tell parents to look out for. you have to be nonchalant. food is whatever. you like it, you have favorite meals, but you get tired of tastes quickly, you're picky about textures, you don't like it once it gets cold, etc. it's just fuel and it's meaningless to you. you eat for your health, not for pleasure.
high impact workouts like HIIT and running may not be the best idea. some studies show that high impact exercise stimulates hunger hormones in some individuals. pilates, ballet, and yoga are low impact, high results, and give a very desirable aesthetic. they're also quiet and can be done with a yoga mat and maybe a theraband.
get a job. get a hobby. join a sport. being out of your house as much as possible gives you the largest opportunity for excuses. oh my job catered lunch, oh there were snacks at practice, oh so and so brought something to the knitting circle. this can also be an opportunity to earn or save money (or swindle your mom out of cash by obtaining money for concessions at games and then only getting a diet coke)
if you control your own food, maximize your nutrition. salmon, tuna, sardines. kale, chard, spinach. beans, lentils. berries. protein pasta. pasture raised eggs. the fancy filtered fairlife milk. your body will hold out so much longer if you're keeping it fueled with proper vitamins and minerals.
track your food using cronometer - if someone sees it on your phone and asks, you have a perfect built-in excuse. oh, you don't care about the calories, but it tracks vitamin and mineral intake, and you're trying to make sure you're getting enough of those because you have, say, an iron deficiency or you're worried you're not getting enough omega-3s.
anorexic hair is really obvious. it's from malnutrition and stress. absolutely ensure you're getting enough omega-3s and other fats in your diet (avocados, eggs, oily fish, nuts like walnuts) to avoid the anorexia hair and the sallow, dry skin. this is also why i insist you take vitamin d, iron, vitamin c, a b-complex, and a pre-natal with folate and dha, those will also protect your hair and skin health. also make sure you're trimming dead ends, get a deep conditioner and/or bond repair treatment, do scalp massages, and if it does fall out, start using a mousse for volume and get a cut to maximize volume to hide it.
keep up your oral, skin, and nail health, too. these can also be obvious indicators. if you're taking the vitamins and keeping to the foods i'm recommending, it'll help, but make sure you're brushing and flossing, use the nasty brown listerine, a good dry skin lotion like curel, and a nail oil. keep your nails short if they start peeling, but if they're peeling, you need to take more vitamin d and iron, or you could have celiac disease.
there's no such thing as a broken metabolism, and you can't boost or slow down your metabolism. those are myths. the only way to make your bmr higher is to have more muscle.
extra tip: if you start fainting, tell people you have or think you have POTS. work smarter not harder.
for any angels in australia, the simson's pantry high protein low carb + fibre wraps are really great. they're kind of high in cals (172 per wrap) but imo it's worth it for the amount of fibre, which is going to help you not get constipated if you're fasting or doing omad. my favourite way to have it is with 32g hummus per wrap (253cal total) because it's super easy, but since bread with dip is an easy to binge on food, i feel the need to say that any more than 3 wraps will make your digestive system go crazy so be careful. having it with some spinach, tzatziki, and tuna or chicken breast would make it feel more like a real meal while keeping cals down.
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when r u guys defining your lw? is your lw since your ed began or since you became your current height or what? because hw is easy to define, but people like. grow up. like is my lw 2.7kg (weight at birth)? 26kg (earliest i can remember feeling a particular way about my weight - i was 8 btw)? 48 (lowest i've been at my current height)? like ?????
i love having a lowkey disordered mum (like it sucks for her but good for me). spent so long stressed about her finding out about the fact that i use nrt to avoid overeating and as it turns out she's cool with it? like i admitted in tears that i had nic spray and she was like 'well if you want we could book an appointment so you can be on adhd meds daily [instead of as needed], that'll help you not feel as hungry' like yay!!! she's not as into me having caffeine but that's because she's super sensitive to it. i'm fine with it though and i find it works better than nic and ritalin combined so?? maybe it's just the fact that i'm consuming something.
this diet is said to be the world's simplest because it involves almost no portion control and explicitly forbids calorie counting. basically, you have your list, and you can eat it however you want except for the limits on the amount of fats you can have. it's also said to be super hard to stick to, and if it were the stricter version where you have the same restrictions as week 1 all month, then yeah, i'd agree. but honestly by week 4 of the flexible version, that shit's easy as hell if you know how to cook and get creative with the preparation.
i'm almost certainly cheating by turning this mostly whole food diet into a processed food one by simply doing all the processing at home, but if you have time, it makes things taste way better. i'm being very generous with what counts as a spice, so i'm including small amounts of things like unsweetened cocoa powder and nutritional yeast as spices. i'm not arguing, just let me have this, please. also i'm allowed to have vinegar because it doesn't have sugar.
(cpb flex pdf except just know that i'm ignoring the bit where they say to have a balanced plate. that's just a suggestion i think.)
my choices
choices with a * next to it means it's kind of objectively the best choice you could make because it's the most versatile
week 1 (no choice involved): chicken breast, carrots, broccoli, potatoes, max. 1 tbsp olive oil per meal, herbs, spices, salt, sugar free condiments (see pdf), cooking spray
week 2: week 1 + garlic, small handful of nuts* (i picked walnuts), oats*, greek yoghurt*
week 3: week 2 + egg whites*, capsicum, 1/2 an avocado*, apples
week 4: all of week 4's available choices (too lazy to write it all out) but just know the only sweetener i like out of those is erythritol
not-super-basic preparation ideas under the cut
week 1
so for this week it's kind of impossible to put together meals because there's such little to work with. here's what can be done with each component though, and just know you can mix and match.
carrot
mashed with cinnamon/warm spices/optional cocoa powder (perfect for breakfast imo)
chopped into sticks and baked/air fried with cooking spray
blended with a little water and nutritional yeast and garlic powder to make a cheesy sauce (put on potato or chicken)
unsweetened pickled carrots (a little sad but does add a zing to the meal)
chicken (sorry, everything else felt basic to me)
marinated in hot sauce and spices then baked or air fried
note on chicken for those who aren't good at cooking: salt or brine it 24 hours before you cook it, it makes it taste way better
broccoli
boiled, then smashed and pan fried with garlic and/or onion powder
air fried with sumac and tiny cubes of boiled carrot (no fresh garlic or dates like i usually have this dish but the carrots replace the dates so it's fineeeee it's literally fine)
potato
baked with dill
mashed with olive oil and nutritional yeast
air fried potato skins with salt and vinegar
home style hashbrowns with mustard
jacket potato with oil and chives
week 2
sweet adjacent options (good for breakfast and dessert)
yoghurt with air fried carrots and nuts
spiced carrot porridge with nuts (salt the carrots a little and drain the liquid before adding them to the oats, then reduce the liquid if you can for a slightly sweet syrup)
oat flour flatbreads with mashed carrot and yoghurt
savoury options (good for lunch and dinner)
oat flour flatbreads with chicken, salsa, and yoghurt
air fryer broccoli but with garlic and nuts added
oat flour gnocchi with garlicky yoghurt dill sauce OR boiled broccoli and garlic "pesto" OR carrot cheesy sauce
other
make walnut milk so you can have milky tea or coffee again
week 3
not including simple stuff like 'add applesauce to sweeten a dish' or 'put avocado/capsicum on the flatbreads from last week'.
sweet options
apple cinnamon oat pancakes
make walnut butter, dip apples in it (this counts, right? because they never said i had to keep the walnuts whole. anyone who picks nut butter is a chump.)
chocolate moussey thing (blend avocado and cocoa powder until it's a paste, then separately whip egg whites over a bain marie to stiff peaks, fold in reduced applesauce for sweetness and add the paste. ymmv, i wouldn't make this outside the diet but 3 weeks in it's pretty good.)
whisk egg whites into porridge to give it a protein boost
savoury options
roasted capsicum walnut dip eaten with oat flatbread
guacamole (salsa and avocado). even better if it's guegg (add boiled egg white).
potato pancake (grated potato, oat flour, egg whites) with mustard
crispy fried egg whites, like if the whole egg was just the lacy browned bits at the edge
other
homemade mayonnaise (2 egg whites, 1 cup olive oil, 1/2 clove garlic, 1 tsp mustard, 2 tbsp lemon juice, salt, pepper, blend, done. use less than a tablespoon and you're staying under the fat limit.)
week 4
things really open up here, do whatever you want but here are my ideas based on my preferences
sweet options
make the mousse again but with melted chocolate instead of the paste and add sweetener
smoothie. honestly go crazy with this, you're allowed most smoothie ingredients now.
sweet potato oat pancakes
fruit salad (yummy yummy)
protein brownie batter (sweetener, cocoa powder, yoghurt or blended cottage cheese, protein powder, salt, some walnuts)
jacket sweet potato with chopped up dark chocolate
toast toppings: homemade jam (stewed berries with a little orange juice), homemade nutella (walnuts, cocoa powder, sweetener, keep it under 1 tbsp)
cheat's champorado (cocoa powder and a little sweetener in slightly soupy rice), i liked it with avocado but if you want it without that you can use dark chocolate instead of cocoa
chocolate pudding (made with banana)
savoury options
tuna salad with rice
orange chicken with rice
cabbage pancake (with oat flour obviously)
spinach capsicum egg white omelette with avocado
caramelised onion tarte tatin but with the worlds worst crust (oat flour olive oil shortcrust pastry)
way more gnocchi sauce options now, my favourite is a really complicated zucchini one that i can't explain here but here's the recipe
salmon, sweet potato, and raw baby spinach (classic)
celery and nut butter, i like mine melted so i have less per celery stick and therefore more sticks to eat
my favourite spiced rice (toast 2 cups uncooked rice in oil for a minute. 1.5 tsp salt, 1 tsp turmeric, 1/2 tsp paprika, 1/4 tsp cumin, 1/8 tsp black pepper. let the spices bloom, then add 3 cups water and cook the way you normally do with rice. add nuts if you have extra fat allowance but it's also good on its own. serve with spiced chicken and tzimmes.)
cheat's tzimmes (boil carrots. put erythritol, orange juice, and oil in a pan and let it get all glazey. cover the carrots in the glaze.)
cottage pie
other
you can finally eat real bread now, so don't bother with the oat flatbreads anymore when it comes to repeat meals from previous weeks and have regular wholegrain wraps
i was dying without my electrolytes, so i was glad to have them back. remember they have to be sugar free though.
things i couldn't wait to reintroduce afterwards
beans of all kinds and their derivatives (eg: hummus)
pasta
not allowed cheeses (cheddar and camembert especially)
chocolate hobnobs
egg yolks
cucumber
nori/wakame/other seaweed
tofu (if you're vegetarian you can replace the chicken with tofu, which feels more versatile to me but i wanted the classic)
lettuce
asparagus
sugar ;-;
one time foods, like recipes from my favourite youtube channels that i wanted to try
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so proud of myself last night!! since trying to recover i've been struggling with having multiple desserts (like 4-5) a night, but last night i had my low cal chicken carrot soup instead of what i'd usually have and then one dessert only. i'd planned for two, so not reaching for the second one i'd planned was a big step towards being less excessive. i'm not trying to relapse behaviourally (still going to eat 3 meals plus snacks) but i've been in full mental relapse mode for a few days and even though it's kind of a shame that i'm back here again, i am liking the disciplined feeling i have.
am i the only one who literally does stop when they reach their goal? i hear all the time about ana shifting the goalposts and one's body never being good enough but that's never happened to me. i've hit my goal physique before and i maintained it without any restriction for 2 years even though i was super stressed out and "should" have been relapsing left right and centre. the only reason i lost it was that i became severely chronically ill and couldn't move anymore. but like, i'm better now. so i should be allowed to restrict until my body gets back to what my brain sees it as, then go back to doing whatever i want. it literally worked before. but nooooo, that's just 'being adapted to restriction' and still bad somehow.
