Hi!

i'll believe it when i see it, but i am cautiously optimistic.

at this point i am a woman who has heard no one too many times, and i am prepared to beg and/or pay money to hear yes. that is the vibe. i need a fucking break here.

i'm going to pay $20 to remove lockscreen ads so i can have the cover of the book i'm currently reading as my lockscreen, bringing the price closer to the kobo anyway...

but there is one piece of my marketing strategy that i haven't figured out yet, and it is driving me crazy. i feel like i'm so close to succeeding, but if i don't get this one piece of the jenga tower, it all falls down. i cannot succeed without this piece. and i cannot figure out how to get it to work.

it is maddening.

but i am also aware of the fact that i do have part of my marketing strategy that IS working. and it took me years to figure it out. i just NEED the other part as well. both of them work together. long term, one cannot work without the other.

i reached out to my contact at the small business development center who I haven’t spoken to in three years. hopefully she’ll listen to exactly what i'm struggling with and help me make this work. i really need help. 😫

98% of the time, i feel like all of this writing is stupid and a waste of time because nobody reads it, and it is therefore ineffective at marketing. but 2% of the time, i look at my body of work and feel proud.

perhaps SOMEONE at some point will come across this body of work and be like "wow, i want to hire this woman for college counseling, which is barely what she writes about."

i mostly write about culture and politics. all of it RELATES to what i do, but i never write, like, "here are some tips for filling out the common app," lol. i'm a giant picture kind of gal.

in grad school i went to my advisor and asked if i could take a postcolonial feminist film theory class as an elective in my m.ed. degree. my justification was like "it's about society and in teaching you also encounter society in your classroom. like all the dynamics that are out there in the world also show up in your classroom." and she was like "yeah, right on," and i took the class.

and now i am extremely frustrated and pissed off. i want to punch someone in the face. but i am at my service-oriented day job.

i generally think being a little bit grumpy and mean is part of my tutoring persona, and people who like it come back for more, but today i am way grumpier than usual. i am usually just grumpy because students ask me to do stuff they should be doing themselves. so i say "i'm not doing that for you. do it yourself." LOL. but today my grumpiness goes beyond that.

they are delicious, super easy and fun to make, and then you can just take them out of the fridge and eat them!!! no prep required! fully make-ahead! so easy!

the recipe is from rainbow plant life. i wrote it down myself bc she requires you to sign up for an email list to get the written recipe.

tip: for the boiling water you can use a kettle. and you don't really have to measure. just put in the cocoa powder first and then pour in a small amount of hot water, just enough for the cocoa to dissolve into.

i do not need any more swimsuits. that's all i came here to say. i browse sometimes but my swimsuit is so gorgeous that i cannot even be tempted!!!

some women describe themselves as "plus size." they use it as an adjective. and that's nice. it's nice to have an adjective you can use to describe your body size.

i would like to use it for myself but i don't know if i'm allowed because i don't wear plus size clothing most of the time. my measurements are usually not on the size chart.

am i taking this too literally? can i call myself plus size even if i do not literally wear plus size clothing most of the time?

i would like to align myself with the plus size girlies because they are COOL.

i bought the device secondhand, so i did not give any money to amazon. i could not stomach that. but i am using their device because they only have one competitor, and it is far less popular so i have never seen the one i want for sale secondhand.

basically i like the theater and the fact i've set up all my care and grooming needs. and i like the public transit, even though it could be a lot better, and i can't afford to live in a place where it is possible to depend solely on public transit.

i like my part time job. it's kind of perfect for me. i go to work and do my job without any interference from my bosses. they are present but uninvolved. and then i go home and do not have to think about this job. it is hourly, and they are very careful that we get paid for all our time and do not work beyond our hours. and the pay is decent.

i like that i have good health insurance through our public insurance marketplace. i don't have employer-sponsored health insurance, but i still have good insurance.

so idk. i've been thinking about what is keeping me here. and how compelling these things are. and how maybe my lack of close friends could be a good thing because it enables me to leave more easily lol.

i have stuff that i do. i have interests. i have activities. i get out. but i would not be leaving behind any individual person i would feel sad about, and vice versa.