Cherry^w^

My thoughts on the latest episode

One thing about repression is that when that dam of emotions and "forbidden desires" finally breaks, it's going to come crashing down like a fucking tidal wave. And I fear that's what's happening to Tanrak. My boy is unraveling.

This show does a good job at foreshadowing imo, or the use of metaphors to explain more about the characters? That brain teaser about the lost one the believer and the lover... It sticks in my brain. "The lost one always tells the truth". Of course he does, because he is helpless, searching for answers, desperately to find his path; to find a path.

Anyway that scene also where they talk about lust and Tanrak is all about fighting it, because that's all he's ever done, fought and locked up all the distracting and "forbidden" and "sinful" parts of himself, all the parts that make him human. He moves around like some sort of "holy" shell, never doing anything wrong or slipping away from the status quo, because that is his ticket to heaven, the only way he can see his parents again.

It's so sad I'm so empathetic towards him, genuinely.

But here comes Barth, someone not shackled by these rules and expectations, who lives his life the way he wants to, who knows that he is odd and out of place and accepts it. He's here, and he's pulling Tanrak into his orbit, asking him about himself again and again even when Tanrak didn't answer the first time, not letting him disappear, making him confront these parts of himself that he thought he'd gotten rid of, that he thought he'd locked away forever.

I guess that's why I really like that last... Scene? Act? Idk. But it gives some sort of climax to the feelings we've seen brewing, especially on Tanrak's side. He spent most of the first episode orbiting Barth, rather unknowingly, like he was powerless to stop this pull to him. And this episode, he's finally experienced what it's like to be close to him, seen his character heard his jokes eaten with him, spent time with him... And we see those feelings surface. He wants him and needs him in a very "carnal" way, and we see him struggle with that, so hard that he snaps at him, tells him to hurry up so they can get back, to where it's safe... The safety of religion, of the rules.

That is something I fear these villains will never understand. They think it's about being talented, being strong, winning. The only thing keeping them going is the thirst for victory.

I'm sorry, but that's just not enough.

That's why when they're knocked down, they give up, or they use underhanded means to fight, taking the joy away from the game... Because it's a guaranteed victory.

But there's an emptiness behind their eyes, one that manifests when they are knocked down, and a fear behind every smug smile, one that makes them grit their teeth and shake when they are faced with the people that are truly doing this for the love of the game; Raimon 11.

Obviously you could say there's plot armor and obviously they can't fail they're the main characters, but even when they do fail, they get back up. And that's something those people who are only chasing victory can never do. They can never stand back up after they've been knocked down, because once the trophy is not in sight, it seems pointless to fight.

Didn't even let me enjoy my two seconds of victory why are they so keen on never giving these kids a break 😒😒😒 I'm so annoyed goodbye TT

And to make matters worse Kageyama is a free man rn. You have to be kidding me this has got to be a fawking joke.

I'm so annoyed and pissed off you don't even know ... And now they've kicked Gouenji out for who knows what reason. I have an inkling as to why but I'm hurt, okay ☹️

It weighs heavily in my chest. Idk I feel melancholy after watching it. But let me talk about the trains that made me happy first, then I'll get into the deeper stuff.

I really like the sound of the choir singing, and hymns make me so happy. So that theme song was actually tailored to me perfectly. I can't help smiling whenever I think about it, it's just so warm-feeling.

The soundtrack as a whole, I love the vibes it brought to the scenes.

That scene where everyone sat down but Barth was the only one standing, with the sound and everything, it was so... Magical. To watch, anyway.

Okay, now on to the deeper stuff.

I feel like that seminary does a good job of pretending to be a safe place, but there's an underlying... Unease? Like you have to walk on eggshells and comport yourself a certain way or else that safety will be stripped away. Like something feeling friendly on the surface but underneath its genuinely terrifying.

And you can see the cracks. The way the students look at Barth, the way they treat him, the warning that the father gave him, even all these rules that are put in place... If you don't obey you're getting suspended, expelled...

I feel really bad for Barth. "Your God never helped me", it really hit me right in the feelings. It's just so sad how he had to act and be a certain way, and once he deviated from that path, once it came out that he was gay, all that support and love he was supposed to receive from his family was just stripped away. Even during the fight when they went to the principal's office I didn't see his parents there. Or his dad, whatever~

Even Tanrak, he clings unto God and the church as some type of hope... That his parents are safe and waiting for him- yeah, the melancholy feeling is very on point.

I'm actually really excited for the next episode, so far I'm having the best time.

I can't see through my tears but oh my God Soulmate. Soul Mate. Soul. Mate. I feel changed. I feel... Fundamentally rewired. It cut deep. I'm not the same person I was eight hours ago before I watched this. I- feel so hopeful. Hopeful about tomorrow, hopeful about life. Like everything will work out. This story has so many amazing lines that just sit with you. "Loneliness means you have someone you care about." I feel so soothed. It's like. I've been lathered with a balm over all my wounds. I love this show so much? Love feels like such a small world for what I feel? It's so heavy. And deep.

I like stories about grief because they resonate so deeply with me. I understand the person's sadness and emotions and cry and scream with them and it genuinely helps. But the portrayal of grief in this show is the first one that has unsettled me. It's a whole new take on how grief can manifest. I felt- like I shouldn't be watching this, watching her. I felt helpless. Like an intruder on this painful moment.

Another thing I really liked about this show is how the queerness was something that was just there. Yohan was gay and had a gay friend whose gay bar he frequented. They constantly let us know that Simiko and Ryu were not dating and there was nothing romantic going on between them, even though they are a man and a woman living together (which is amazing, we need more representation of man and woman friendships in media), the many throwaway lines where Simiko addresses their relationship romantically, "take care of him", "you're lucky! You have Yohan! Who do I have? My husband just left!" They spent that time instead addressing the literal hate crimes gay people still go through today(the vulgar message on Yohan's door, the brawl at his friend's bar).

"I have someone I care about. Someone I cherish more than anyone else. I want to do everything I can to make him happy." Well fuck.

Finding out about Yohan's diagnosis broke me, genuinely. I was just shaking my head in disbelief. And the way he went about it all, leaving everyone and lying and disappearing cos he felt like a burden...

"he gets hurt easily and sees himself as weak, but he is so strong. The people that get close to people even though they might get hurt, are much stronger than those that avoid hurt and just run away." (It's abbreviated but that line was so-)

"Why are you here? Seeing you... Makes me want to live longer." Girl okay. Fuck.

Them staying with Simiko through her grief and being there for her throughout everything she was going through... Till she got back on her feet and even afterwards... Them becoming one little family... Yeah being related by blood doesn't mean the person will understand you at all. Family can be anyone. As long as the love is there.