(about every blorbos in existence) let them be gay! let them be queer! let them be lgbt!

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@chenqiumiao
(about every blorbos in existence) let them be gay! let them be queer! let them be lgbt!

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the writers are definitely in the know. i KNOW they ship sascha and bjorn, bc WDYM THE MAIN LOVE INTERESTS IN BOTH SEASONS JUST CONVENIENTLY NOT WORK OUT WITH BJORN WHILE SASCHA IS JUST??? THERE???? LIVING IN THE SAME APARTMENT BUILDING??? AS HIS BOSS?? I LOVE LAURA BUT THAT LEAVING FOR MUNICH WAS SO OUT OF THE BLUE 💀💀💀
DONT GET ME STARTED ON THAT BIT WITH THE RIBBON TO SYMBOLIZE MARRIAGE FOR THOSE TWO HOLGERSONS. THERE WAS ABSOLUTELY NO FUCKING WAY THATS THE OPTIMAL THING YOU THINK OF. THERE IS NO WAY SOMEBODY NORMAL WOULD LOOK AT THAT RIBBON TIED AROUND TWO BODIES AND THINK "Ah, they got hitched" LIKE??? WHAT? THAT WAS SO UNNECESSARY 💀💀 AND THEN SASCHA JUST RANDOMLY APPEARS??? DURING THAT TOPIC??? THAT DISCUSSION???
im crine. why do the women in bjorn's life just doesn't last with him??? katharina agreed to separate, laura left, and nicole wants to put him in jail 😭😭😭. dude, the writers keep making you open for a codependent relationship with your mafia enforcer. they dont want u splitting ur attention with a woman😭😭😭
i havent finished season 2 of murder mindfully, but im really just getting amused why bjorn has one romantic wife that he's not living with, and a work wife (sascha) that he's very much not in a relationship with but he's living in the same building with. worse is that ur real wife doesnt know ure living in the same building as ur work wife bc as far as shes concerned, he doesnt rlly have anything to do with you
i love not reading a single dc comic/media while lurking in the fandom. its like i'm a conman selling wares. does this headcanon make sense canonically? hell no. did this part in my canon divergence actually happen? fuck if i know!
its so fun, they're just concepts to me stitched together by my desire to see my faves get love or get railed. build-a-bear for my version of the plot and now dickjay is canon and jason is as oblivious as a nerd stereotypically would be, and he's lady shiva's godson now. sorry, i make the rules now.
okay my brain is in overdrive listening to bebe rexha's dirty blonde album. im??? this is a whole ass adult pacifica angst playlist.
this is literally girl failure, hot mess young adult pacifica. especially sad girls. its adult pacifica, drunk and emotional, in a seedy, loud club swaying and chugging bottles of vodka she splurged her whole paycheque on while riding the deafening beat of the speakers to hide the tears running down her face. its a very, VERY concerning coping mechanism for her whole life, but she's a white, emancipated, valley girl and she's going to get wasted to atone for the sins of her ancestors and her own actions. (i imagine she's also nursing a "shameful" crush on a certain pinetree)
dipper, a sober college senior doing emergency grocery shopping at a 7/11, find her in that state— she was walking home at like, 2 AM; barefoot, sweaty, looking like one stumble away from passing out, and she's dressed for the fucking bar, but most distressingly— shes alone, at night, in a seedy part of town. girl brother mode activates and he is impressively compartmentalizing his Concern when pacifica isn't even fighting him when he says she could crash on his and mabel's couch for tonight. that concern becomes Panic when she says there was a "nice man" who said she looked pretty 5 minutes ago.
mabel is Also Concerned when dipper comes back with emergency grocery and an obviously just-cried and wasted pacifica just before she passes out on the couch.
imagine the next scenes on your own but please no non-con. not in this context.

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HIME CUT PACIFICA NORTHWEST. HIME CUT PACIFICA NORTHWEST. I NEED HER BEING A DUMB TEENAGER AND CUTTING HER HAIR BEFORE REGRETTING IT BUT IT BECAME A HIME CUT AND I WANT MASON "DIPPER" PINES TO COMBUST BECAUSE THE CHIN LENGTH BANGS MAKES HER FRECKLES POP OUT
so imagine theres a crazy scientist obsessed with red hood. tim drake worthy stalking. they scour every corner of crime alley dressed like some homeless lunatic scraping up red hood's dried blood, dead skin cells, even the used straw he drank from. theyre so fascinated with red hood that they WANT a personal red hood to take care of.
insert the powerpuff girls intro. serotonin, dna, and everything soft. these were the ingredients needed to make the perfect little hood.
then nightwing shows up. he didn't actually know wtf was happening here, its just that jason apparently has a less lovable and more concerning by a wide margin stalker, and as his big bro *cough* its his job to protect his little wing. he fights the scientist and accidentally nudged a leftover uneaten hamburger into the pot (WHO TF IS MAKING CHEMICAL SLUDGE IN A COOKING POT IN THE STOVE!?)
it doesn't take long for him to knock out the scientist and call the police, but just as he was about to leave, boom! the stove and the pot bursts and theres a ball..? rolling out of the sooty thing. and what appears...
is a small, fat, morbidly obese and sentient red hood. its blinking up at him with wide, dumb, derpy eyes and it reaches out to him but it just rolled forward, and nightwing is in love. the sight of it brings joy. he takes a picture and sends it to the batfam gc before taking off with it in his arms. its a sentient and fat plush of his little wing and he HAS to show it to him.
the batfam gc in the mean time, is in shambles.
tim : WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT????
steph : GIVE ME TEN MORE
cass : fat. one burger tall.
damian : i didnt know todd was that rotund. i could poke him and hed roll around the manor until he collides with the stairs.
bruce : nightwing, explain.
babs : hood after eating twelve batburgers in one sitting. yes jason. youre not fat, but you have fat person behavior.
when nightwing meets up with hood, he immediately puts fatson into hood's arms and watched with hedonistic glee as hood is staring bamboozled befuddled bemused at this offensively round and soft clone plush of him that's blinking and— "papa?"
INHALE.
it wiggles its tiny arms—
INHALE AGAIN.
nightwing is actually crying in the distance.
ok i just read a totga fic of stan/hotpants and i just NEED someone to write another one but a songfic in carla mccorkle's pov and its Red by taylor swift reminiscing on their relationship and she still visits stanley pines' grave to this day (for the sake of my mental health, she's unmarried and she will end up with him when they see each other again on the way to gravity falls)
you dont understand. my genetic make-up got chemically altered when i read "she was the only one who loved stanley pines" and god fucking damnit i want that old man happy after all the shit that happened to him. I WANT THAT MAN TO GROW OLD WITH A WOMAN WHO LOVED HIM BEFORE HE WAS STAN PINES OKAY?????
i dont wanna offend anyone in the gravity falls fandom but i do wanna ask why is there a canonical "bill cipher has a vagina" tag.
like... im morbidly curious. does he like.. just snap it into himself mid coitus??? what does it feel like????
somebody (ford) is walking around fucking a multidimensional dorito and i just...
actually i dont wanna know. thats quite enough.
dipcifica is a flavor of "he asked for no pickles" couple. dipper would very much like to resolve bullying problems without any violence and pacifica is one shoulder bump away from taking a big chunk of said shoulder.
but like i like to think dipper wouldnt actually try to stop her. he'd actually just try to contain the situation to just 1 mauled shoulder.
like if some guy was trying to hit on pacifica and clearly wouldnt get the message, dipper would just step back to avoid getting slapped by her hair and let her be like "oh my freaking gawd, can you, like, talk to me when you're in the same tax bracket? can't you see i'm, like, in the middle of a conversation??? with my boyfriend??? like, can you not???" complete with the valley girl accent for maximum annoying and obnoxious mean girl effect.

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dipcifica is so funny in a cute way, dynamically speaking. here is this absolute dweeb of a kid who sweats like crazy and only staying in town for summer vacation, being bullied by this neglected and spoiled blonde brat who lives like crazy rich asians and who honestly shouldn't even be giving a shit about him because of the MASSIVE gap in their tax range
they both like sniping at each other, and they like hitting things, preferrably something breathing. both of them are bamboozled that this sweaty dweeb is her type.
nerd bags a baddie and cant even brag about it bc nobody will ever believe that it was PACIFICA who fell first.
anyone up to preg jason?
him waddling around the manor while everyone watches bc is sooo cute (dick is genuinely dying in the background with a camera in hands)
bruce made a fuss before, but now he's just waiting patiently (aka, making sure everything is safe and being paranoid). Tim and Damian are fussing about clothes, genders toys all that, they fighting for the best uncle place (cass will win)
Jason is annoyed by the attention (bc is difficult to have dick's attention if his family is hovering around him)
And dick? he's so happy, doesn't let his smile fade ONCE. Fighting crime? Biggest grin known to man. Being pushed a side by his siblings? He's smug bc THATS HIS BABY. Jason saying a list of insults and threatening him? Loooook at that baby bump, literally his kid with his little wing
(also, dick is totally sucking those tits dry, baby better start wishing there be some left)
Everyone start hating Dick cause he is thirsting for Jason. That guy is down bad. Jason just trying to get some quiet time cause everyone is over protective.
Also Dick is for sure fucking him raw every nights.
we're sleeping on the comedy factor of jason having the weirdest cravings in the middle of the bats' patrol time of fuckass in the morning.
jay would call dick while he's bodyslamming a thug and nightwing would suddenly stop and be like "hey do you know any biryani place open right now and do they have a lot of pineapples and mayonnaise?"
no offense to the abo enjoyers in the batcest community but i dont think i can recover from reading "bruce's breasts lactated in sympathy" with my own eyes.
i want to finish reading the fic but im being haunted by the image of a comic style batman lactating in sympathy. i promise to get stronger to power through tho
idk why but whenever i read dickjay smut thats RIDDLED with guilt on one side (usually dick) or at the very least hatefucking, i keep imagining A Little Death as some bgm to their sex scenes and the goddamn snapshots in my head are GLORIOUS.
the image of jason red, sweaty, and panting while holding dick's head down on him? and its dark, with only the bedside table lamp on??? and it's a stormy night outside???
was streaming to the top song playlist spotify gave me and got hit by angel of small death and codeine scene by hozier while i was imagining dickjay.
now im wanting that fat assed big bird acrobat down BAD for red hood. i want him seeing red hood in that classic leather jacket and gloves, leaning on his motorcycle, getting buzzed with a fat joint in his lips after finishing patrol, and i want nightwing to crash into a wall because his dick jr. stood up in attention to the unholy, uncatholic, not alfred approved thoughts that came down on his brain because apparently he has a very intense oral fixation.
jason saw the whole thing and couldnt stop laughing even while pulling dick to his apartment to check for a concussion
which made everything worse because dick cannot fucking stop staring at the bong in jason's lips and he can smell the weed from jason's mouth and he's getting high, and he want to kiss that mouth and inhale every breath, and then jason blew the smoke right in dick's face because he's leaning WAYY too close and dick basically drank in the the warm smoke and the high from jason's mouth like a desperate, pathetic man searching for water in a desert.
jason sends him back on his merry way to the manor, basically picked up by tim who sees dick eyefucking the goddamn bong in a high af jason's lips, and promptly decides to make it worse by giving jason a lollipop, a popsicle, or anything that he can wrap his lips around. one time tim gave him a push pop (a very blue one) and dick is miraculously silent the whole day.
dick doesnt know whether to strangle tim or worship him. jason is still blissfully unaware of it, but alfred and damian have an inkling.

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