Deep End Reflections

I’m still in love.

I would trust my gut feel and keep hoping.

But I really don’t know. Whether he never thinks of me at all. A lot of other friends and people I am on the fence on but managed to forget because there are good reasons to. I wonder if he makes the same of me.

Not just potential. Or other compatibility factors.

I'm looking for decision. For faith.

Some one who would love me back.

I really thought we were meant to be.

I really thought you enjoyed our differences like I did. Or as much as I did. I thought you were just scared for some reason.

You had some time to think about it, but you came back and realised it wasn't meant to be all along. You finally stood up and I'm happy. But you said it came at a cost. Seeing that being with me wasn't right for you.

In any case, I'm happy that you know what you want.

I wept so many tears thinking that we really were meant to be but it was so frustrating that we aren't together. Or that leaving you felt so horrible because I'm leaving someone, something very precious.

But now that I see I was really mistaken, our differences just led me to believe something a bit different from what was and that solidified into a strong faith and decision to love in me.

I don't really feel terrible for having loved or knowing that I can love so strongly and acceptingly.

But I suppose this is a feeling of death.. Something that has slipped away, pulled away, gone quiet.

I really was horribly mistaken. But I'm not going to blaming myself for opening my heart.

Goodbye, and all the best. I did enjoy hanging out and talking to you. Not so much all the mind boggling disagreements though. My feelings were real. They are. It's gut wrenching that you didn't come to the same conclusion as me and that I thought you did.

But I know you've made your decision. And I'll just have to cut loose this incredibly huge balloon I've tied onto myself that I thought was our happiness that really could be, that we can make happen because I'm ready to rise up and love.

It's really hard to let go, like you said. But seeing things now I definitely feel less sad than I was before feeling frustrated about why we were apart when I thought we should be together.

But I'm confused no longer. You know what you need. What I wanted didn't work out. I'll just have to continue my life and keep piecing the other pieces together. Figure out a new path.

Goodbye, someone really dear to me.

Edit:

Truthfully I never knew I could love so hard and so real until I had the chance to. I won't regret my decisions that I make from the heart.

From you I've heard the best

and worst things anyone has ever

Weird how these flashes of feelings come about. I told myself it was instinct. He doesn't believe in gut feelings. So time passed. I changed. He changed. Now I'm wanting the best for myself and i don't know if all those gut feelings should still take precedence. I just want it to be simple - go for it if it feels right and if he treats you right. That's the basics right there. I have so much going on in my life and no time at all to waste. I'm done chasing. I grew up. I hope he does too and communicate properly to me and answer. If he doesn't then really I ought to move on with my life.

I think I will learn better boundaries and choices.

Someone who doesn't respect you and shows no interest in you... Well, believe what they show. I'm more valuable than that.

It absolutely disgust me. Even if she's a family member. Never approaches you with an intent to make you happier, it's always about her needs. Feels so greedy and disgusting. Always jealous about others and never applauding and encouraging. I absolutely dislike this. I don't feel an obligation to remain close. Nor go out my way to help her.

I feel terrible

I think I'm feeling better than I really am

Losing my space to rant is a huge deal to me. I don't even know how to express myself anymore. I have had so many changes in my life in the past 1 week and I don't know how to make sense of it all.. But I really need a diary. I appreciate tumblr.

What do I want to say...

I feel Soooo confused about myself and about this guy he really annoys me.............. He should get his shit together and either say yes to me or reject me.. None of this 'I'm not sure' shit please. Of course I don't want him to say that he doesn't want me. But I'll face up to reality when it's the time to do it. I want the best for myself, alright?

The other thing is that I've had so little motivation or focus to work on my hobbies and projects. I really want to do them but I don't know what's not connecting inside

I think I have a lot of opinions on what 'should be' and 'shouldnt be'. I don't trust myself enough. Years of being in the education system kind of conditioned me to fear trying to be myself and doing what I want? Instead I just do the efficient thing and whatever looks most like success to the system.

I am really scared.

I hate wasting my time but I know I'm just figuring things out. The more I tell myself all this isnt what I'm 'supposed to be doing' the more I'm reinforcing these fears. I want to be motivated by inspiration and not fear. /

I don't know. So many new steps I'm taking right now with their risks. But if the old routes aren't working anymore.. Time to find new ones right?

/

9.12

Deaths and rebirths

Sometimes the biggest feelings of anticipation, or being so sure it would be great might just lead to burning disappointments

How are you expected to know this, before you know this

Let the water run over my head

The sadness is searing

You'll never be sure what he's thinking

The rest of my life awaits

When I give up holding on

To what could have been the best thing to happen