women who cook four pounds of pasta by accident are valid

me, gently pulling my consciousness back into my body: please keep your arms and legs inside the ride at all times

whats the deal with juiceboxes.  too much box not enough juice

Me

Me in a sexy depression

​me arching my back to make sure my ass still looks fat while im crying alone in my room

Not Everything That Crinkles Is a Snack For You - A novel by me, about my pets

Sometimes I Open the Fridge For Me - the thrilling sequel

y’all ever want a pretty girl to just.. boss u around a little bit

Just say you’re a bottom and go

how tf do gay girls meet each other, is there a secret party I’m not invited to

Light a candle directly in front of your automatic Glade spray air freshener that way every 9 minutes a fireball shoots across your living room table, intimidating your house guests, asserting your dominance in your domain

hey lesbians what’s the typical “straight guy” thing u do that u pull off way better than any man? personally i’m a hot jock who manspreads when she sits and sleeps in boxers

Loving and caring for women

Hello, 911? I just witnessed a murder.

babies cry when they are first born because they haven’t had the delicious taste of a cold Sprite yet

where’s the pic of that guy’s tinder bio where he says something along the lines of “well i’m a fat fuck with a big truck. welcome to the shitshow.”

thanks. this is literally the best tinder bio ever