{ philocalist }

You know, I started roleplaying because I wanted to jump into the life of my favorite idols. I wanted to become them and interact with people and do all those sorts of things. I never started roleplaying to "make my otp real" because I mean hey at the time I shipped JinChan and I dated a Raina okay thats far from JinChan. 

Also, I started AU roleplaying because I always wanted to be a writer and write things. Not because I wanted to make my "oppa a sex beast!!1" and you know what. I'm roleplaying because I want to write. I'm roleplaying for the pure fun and joy of it. But I'm not having fun anymore. I'm seeing too much drama over this and that and people losing friends over this and people getting depressed over that.

I will admit I sunk into a deep depression because I was losing my friends for a while and I was just in deep ass quicksand. But there is a point where roleplaying takes on a new level of fucked up when people are bound and determind to destroy another character or the mun. It also takes on a whole new level when people are turning around and basically ruining relationships. Back when I first started roleplaying, it was about friends. Making friends and running away from outside lives to slip into another universe for just a little bit before having to return to reality and remember that things fucking suck.

I took an unexpected hiatus because I just did not want to deal with this shit anymore. I've lost more friends then I could count. I've made enemies and I've completely destroyed things that were fragile to begin with. My life has started to revolve around roleplaying and I feel sick to my stomach when I'm not doing it. It's become an obsession and its no longer just about fun. It has become a complete dictatorship in my mind. I don't want to live this way anymore. I'm also upset at how many friends I've lost over a small thing.

I'm from a somewhat small town in Texas and I've made friends in a small town in France. I've made enemies in cities of Scotland. I've met my boyfriend of almost a year in Washington. Roleplaying has given me a lot of things. But I'm looking around me at the depression it has wrapped me in and you know what... I want my life back. I don't want to be sitting here wondering where my friend is and why she isn't talking to me over a small misunderstanding that shouldn't have happened in the first place. 

I'm too tired of having to get onto my accounts and seeing old friends talk to others and remember everything we ever talked about. I'm tired of missing people to the point it makes me sick. I'm tired of not making an impact.

23. Our muses are destined to fall in love with each other, but cannot be in a relationship with each other because

Broken was hardly a way to describe something with nothing to break. Let alone a way to describe a person without feelings. Anthony's mind flashed with images of past lovers, old flings and countless of nights in strangers beds before getting up and leaving the next morning before the sun even dared to shine. His fingertips tingled with skin he's touched, emotions he's felt and lips he had touched after a kiss. His own emotions, stored into the deepest parts of his mind always happened to expand and explode within his dark mind. It sent him into fits of rage. Depression. Anything he could get his hands on was destroyed.

Except for Sehun. Sehun was different. Sehun would hold him and not let go. His body was weaker compared to Anthony's no doubt. But he held on, getting flung around like a rag doll and being torn up like skin that's been kissed by a razor. The angel never meant any harm.. he loved him. He wanted to be with him, make him happy. His whole world would have revolved around the human that calmed his mind. If it wasn't for one thing..

Kyungsoo.

The smaller creature had Sehun wrapped around his tiny finger. Sehun would have given the entire universe for him.. and he would have only given a small comet to Anthony. He knew his human loved him back.. he could feel it when they touched. The spark would sting his flesh and he always felt a little better that under the burning flame for Kyungsoo.. there was an ember for him.