Tranquil Chaos

A few days late for this one but it struck me... better than that stupid zoo question. What is your darkest secret? Who else knows about it?

Eyes: Blue | Green | Brown | Hazel | Grey | Other

Hair: Blonde | Brown | Black | Red | Ginger | Grey/White/Silver | Multi-color | Other |

Body Type: Skinny | Slender | Slim | Built | Curvy | Athletic | Muscular

Skin: Pale | Light | Fair | Freckled | Tan | Olive | Medium | Dark | Discolored

Gender: Male | Female | Trans* | Cis | No Gender | Other

Sexuality: Heterosexual | Homosexual | Bisexual | Pansexual | Asexual | Demisexual | Other

Species: Human | Elf | Undead/Vampire | Worgen| Shapeshifter | Demon | Angel | Witch/Wizard/Sorcerer | Incubus/Succubus | Other

Education: High School | (community) College | University | Higher Education | Academy | Other: Self taught/Privately Schooled | None of the above

Living Situation: Lives alone | Lives with parents/guardian | Lives with significant other | Lives with a friend | Drifter | Homeless | Lives with family and children

Parents/Guardian: Mom | Dad | Adoptive (mom and dad ) | Foster | Grandparents | Family friend | Other: Complicated

Relationship: Single | Divorced | Crushing | Dating | Engaged | Married | Separated | It’s complicated | Verse dependent | Widowed

I’ve been: In love | Hurt | Abused

I have a(n): Learning Disorder | Personality Disorder | Mental Disorder | Anxiety Disorder | Eating Disorder | Substance-related Disorder | Drinking Problem

Things I’ve done before: Drank alcohol | Smoked | Done drugs | Stolen | Self harmed | Starved myself | Had sex | Had a threesome | Gotten into a fist fight | Gone to the hospital | Gone to jail | Used a fake ID | Gone to a rave | Killed someone | Been in a war |

Positive Traits: Affectionate | Adventurous | Athletic | Brave | Careful |  Charming | Confident | Creative | Determined | Fearless | Generous | Honest(Brutally) | Humorous | Intelligent | Loyal | Modest | Patient | Selfless

How do you feel about your co-workers? What are they like?

Technically speaking, I don’t really have any co-workers. I hire myself out to people. Normally I work by myself. But for the sake of actually writing something down on here. I’ll put down my impressions of those I'm around.

Larrendias - I could really care less about the burn everything in holy fire paladin rants. She has a core cause that she works towards and it’s something I can respect. Everything else though? I Don’t really care for it.

Surtruk - He’s an asshole at times. But I respect him more than many others that I’m around. He’s not a zealot and can make a sane decision. There’s not much else to say about him. Jataral - She understands what I go through more than most. nuff said.

Kat - More impulsive than even I am, and that’s saying something right there. She’s my mate, and i respect that she chose to become an official member of the order. I do what ever i possibly can to support her and help her along the way. She may not like what i have to say at times, but it’s all in an effort to secure her position.

Everyone else - i don’t know them. As cruel as it may sound, i don’t really care about them until i get to know them. I wouldn’t go out of my way.

The question that is prompted today is very confusing... I decided to ignore it and choose a different one that i had missed earlier last month

How would your parents describe you?

Heh....this question is....funny. How would my parents describe me? Well, The first thing that comes to mind is Failure. Don’t get me wrong... they were loving. But it was...fake? I didn’t conform to their expectations and standards. I was the little girl who couldn’t wield magic easily like them or my sister. They saw me as a fuck up. I had violent outbursts, i was more obsessed with weapons and the world around me rather than books and magic.

I’ll always be a failure to them, but who’s laughing now? Who’s the one who survived all these years Mom and Dad? I did. Not you two.

Are you married? Do you have a lover, significant other, girlfriend, or boyfriend?

I am. I don’t know what else you want from me, prompt.

I married my wife...husband.... both not too long ago and it was one of the better decisions Ive made. Kat makes me feel like I have a purpose again. I love her no matter how she is feeling that day. Whether she’s feeling more female, or whether he’s feeling more male. Kat means the world to me and I’ll do everything I can to see him happy.

Looking back at this. This is one of the more confusing and odd looking entries.

Who is your confidant?

Lynvala... well... used to be... maybe still is?  I don’t know. As far as I know she’s gone for good. I need to get used to that.

Normally... i don’t hide things from anyone. I speak my mind to whoever is around and I don’t really hold back.  Well... maybe that’s a lie.

Kat... she has seen more sides of me than most. As well as Jat. So i guess them?

I hate this writing prompt. I just want my sister back.

If you developed a handicap or debilitating illness, how would you handle it?

I snagged some of these prompts from a certain beach ball on a hill. I thought. Why the hell not...?

This one is pretty easy. I live with a handicap and illness. I live with -myself-. Since i was born, I was never right in the head. I always leaned towards violence, would sometimes get lost and seemingly just...turn in to another person. I grew older and while it got worse, I figured out my triggers.

I’m prone to blood lust. I also have a split personality that’s triggered by great amounts of mental distress. I’ve always done my best to avoid the second part of this. The lust is easily handled. The other me on the other hand.... I’d rather not let her come out.

Have you ever remembered doing terrible things to people that you never remembered doing? That’s what i live with. When she takes over, I black out. I know nothing... When i come back to... I remember everything that was said....I remember the people i hurt, killed, tortured.

This thing really hasn’t been touched in a long time... I need to get my thoughts out. I can’t afford to let anyone see me this way but myself. It’s a show of weakness, a show of vulnerability.

Lynvala... you’ve been one of the few people to ever stick by me in life.

When our parents showed they could care less because of my lack of arcane talent... you were there.

When I was pushed to move on and out of the home. Your were there. 

When I wanted to learn about arcane magics. you were patient with me, explained all the “stupid” details to me. You were successful and you were there.

When I killed Aidith, When i lost my security. You were there to bring me back to reality.

Faelel had been sitting at the inn as a shipment of mail finally came in. She sat there with a bored look across her face. Stress had already plagued her mind as of late, it was rare that she actually had the chance to look bored. A letter had been placed in front of her and she gave the courier an odd look. She saw that it was addressed to her though and promptly opened it. Faelel’s eyes scanned over the letter. Each word she read sending a mixture of emotions through her. Rage, sadness, annoyance... all bubbling up inside of her. As she finished reading the letter sent by Isi she proceeded to stand. She looked down at the letter for a long moment. Suddenly she screamed and took the dagger at her hip and drove it through the paper, and the wood of the table...  She glared at the courier “You’re fucking waiting there and you’re fucking taking something to where ever this came from.” Fae looked around for a piece of parchment and a quill.

“I’m not even writing this formally, I'm going to make my OWN thoughts quick and to the point. 1.) Fuck you. 2.) That was harsh. But i stand by it. If this gets to you.... fuck I don’t even know what to say in this. I guess to start. I’m married to Katalin. My Sister, Lynvala. Is fucking insane with what I assume is that old god bullshit that affected her before. I’m a mother now. I’m stuck on a world that isn’t my own. ...... That fountain better be fucking pristine... *several lines passed with random drawings* Stay safe....  I claim your bed.

Forever a bitch,

It had been some time since ink had been placed on the pages of the journal. It had once again been opened now to a fresh page. No doodles could be seen on the page, just words.

"I fucked up... First I let my fiancee down. Because of that she's blind as a bat and her child is dead. I had eventually found her along with Zhri and Aro, took her back and had been helping her cope ever since. I gave her my blindfold to aid in the process. It seems to be helping her along  but she's getting motion sick because of it. It took me a while to adjust, I'm sure she's going to get the hang of it.

This brings me to the other thing.... I proposed to her. She's the only woman I had felt such a great amount for since Aidith... I love her more than anything else in this world we live in.

*Sketches of weapons and people were seen over the page in random areas. Two pregnant woman could be seen in the center at the top of the page.*

It's been a while. Ever since my mental breakdown I haven't really wrote anything down. Well. A couple weeks ago the blindfold i wear... the one made of Aidith's wedding dress. Was stolen from me. I don't want to admit this, but I feel as though it will be a step forward in my recovery.

*more drawings are seen between the two lines of words.*

I have a problem. I completely snapped and went emotionally dead. I dislocated my girlfriends kneecap... and i stabbed her for just trying to help me. I stabbed Zhri in the back... for just. trying. to. help. ME.  What kind of monster can I be? Why am I even allowed to be near these people? Lynvala was finally able to snap me out of it. By the gods...that was a horrible experience afterwards. I was about as stable as a 4 year old child whose dog just died. Jataral was there for a majority of my recovery. I'm thankful for that... without it, I don't know what I would have done to be honest. 

I'm going to be a mother.... not biologically.. but I'm still going to be a mother and the world is going to hell with this portal being open again. I love you Katalin... my actions and words may not properly convey this.. but i love you dearly. Even if I just want to hide my face when you talk sometimes. It's you and I wouldn't change that for the world

For once in my life. I'm afraid... I'm afraid of me... I'm afraid of this iron horde. I'm afraid of what's on the other side of the portal... I'm afraid of never coming back home once we cross over. I'm afraid for our child's life.