#jataral

Six days passed and Jataral's mind wandered and danced in a fog of self doubt, anger, confusion, and regret. Memories of past deeds and choices haunted her waking and sleeping hours. Most nights she spent curled in a ball in her bedroom on the floor praying for peace to rock her into a dreamless sleep, to no avail. Dark circles began to form beneath her eyes as the sleeplessness began to affect her. Her bare feet skimmed across the wooden floors as she tried to keep moving. It had be many months since she had let the helplessness and fear consume her the way it was now. 

As she made her way to the water closet she thought of all the things she wanted to do with the life she was creating for herself and sighed as she realized she was not accomplishing any of it. She moved the sink and splashed cold water on her face to try and clear the thoughts raging her him mind. As she lifted her eyes to meet her reflection in the mirror disgust washed over her as she saw the pale and sorrowful woman that was looking back at her. "Enough!" she growled at herself. "They all see you as weak and here you are proving them right. You are not weak and you are not small. You have lived through so much, you will live through this. Keep it together and you will live through this."

She quickly moved to the shower and washed away the small of the last few day's dismay before dressing in a thing pair of slacks and blouse. Her eyes darted to the leather boots that matched her belt and wrinkled her nose. She shook her head and left them slaying on the ground as she made her way out into the day light. As the Sun's rays showered down on her she tilted her head up to let them warm her cheeks. A soft smile pulled at her lips as the radiant light of the Sun warmed her. "I have things to do. Light be with me and give me the strength to do what is needed." she said reverently. She attaches a small wagon to Sasha's saddle before making her way to Silvermoon.

As she makes her way into the city she makes a mental list of all the things she wants to get; crates, herbs, tarts, books, gift, and something special she had heard of. She guides Sasha to the stable master and hands him several coins to house the wolf while she does her shopping. She keeps her eyes on the ground as she quickly shuffles off to the books store. As the door opens and the smell of the tomes hits her she lets out a soft pleasant moan. "The one thing that has always been there for me. The only thing I have never had issues with. Books never judge you. You don't have to up on airs when dealing with books. They give you truths and facts without wanting anything in return. This is the true smell of peace." she thought as she stepped into the store

Chipped and cracked nails dance across the spines of the books as Jataral makes her way through the stacks. Her eyes searching for the books she needed. One by one she slid books on psychology, herbs, and social interactions from the shelves. Finally she snuck to a small section of the shop and pulled several self help books free and hid them in the stack of of other books. She made her way to the counter and paid for the books. The sales clerk placed the books into four thick brown bags before handing them back to Jataral. She gave the clerk a polite bow of the head before heading back out into the streets. She returned to the stable master and placed the bags on her cart before heading to the several other shops, picking up herbs, apple tarts, various sizes of glass containers, and wooden crates. She had her purchases delivered to her wagon before she made her way to the Row.

She keeps her eyes down as she slides around those gathered on the dimly lit street, though the Sun shone brightly this street always seemed to be cast in shadows and darkness. She found the ally she had heard of and slipped into the shadows. Her eyes glowed in the darkess as she scanned the area of the person she was looking for. An old acquaintance of hers had told her about the alchemist in this ally that could give her the two things she longed for. As the cloaked woman stepped out from the darkness and held out her hand. Jataral slipped a small piece of parchment into the woman's black gloved hand and waited. The hooded woman nodded and pulled a large sack to her side, opening and plunging her arm deep into the sack as if it didn't have a bottom. Several moments later the woman removed a large pouch and a wooden box. Her free hand extended and her fingers curled in a give me way. Jataral slowly extended a pouch heavily laden with gold and handed it to her in exchange for the box and pouch. Jataral held the two things close to her chest and turned from the woman. "Be careful deary. You don't always get what you want." the woman says before she walks back down the ally to slip into the shadows. Jataral made her way out of the Row and returned to the stable master. Once all of her purchases were delivered and loaded onto the wagon she headed home. 

Once she was home she unloaded her wares and separating the things to remain and those to go. She placed the crates on the ground and began packing them. The first two slated crates she lined with hay before placing jars and vials of tonic in them, each one wrapped in soft cloth to keep them safe. Once both were packed she moved to her desk and pulled free I piece of lavender parchment.

Commander Bloodscribe ( @dart44 ),

    I know it has been some time since I have checked in with you since joining your organization. I promised you medical supplies and I did not want you to think I forgot. Here are two crates of supplies, tonics and salves for the use on minor wounds or as after care. The red salve not only heals but warms to the touch to help with pain. The blue salve heals as well as cools the skin for burns and swelling. The purple tonic helps with sever pain and should be monitored when distributed. The blue tonic is for mild pain and the red tonic is for healing. The few yellow tonics I have sent you are for fevers and sore throats. Lastly the white tonics are for stomach aches or the ingestion of the poisons. There is more I can send you later, but this is all I have for now. I hope this finds you well.

Light be with you, Jataral

Once the note is complete she moves back to the crates and attaches it to them, ensuring the address is in plain view. She presses her palm to the crates and says, "I hope this is a sign of good faith to you." Her eyes dart to the other two crates and frowns as she thinks of the man that they are intended for. She shakes her head and moves to the kitchen. She bend over and begins digging through on of her cupboards before pulling out three unlabeled bottles. She dusts them off and makes her way back to the crates. She opens the thinnest of the two crates, placing soft cloth inside it to protect the bottles. She covers the bottles with more cloth before closing it. Next she goes outside and grabs a small wooden cask off the wagon. She brings it inside and packs it into the other crate. She piles them up before moving back to her desk. Another piece of lavender parchment is retrieved and she begins to write yet another note.

Commander Laereth ( @ma-at-thought ),

     I know it has been noted that I have been scarce, but there are some things I needed to take care of. I am sorry for any ill feelings I may have left you with. As my commander I want you to know that I will be returning soon and to the fullest of my potential. Thank you for this opportunity to allow me to work with you and your soldiers. On a personal note, again I am sorry for the way things have turned out. My actions have led to misunderstandings and distrust. I hope to repair this in the future. For now I hope these find you well. In the crates you will find three bottles of home made apple brandy and a cask of apple mead. Enjoy the spirits and the season.

Light be with you, Jataral

She moves back to the crates and attached the note to the corresponding crate. She moves all he crates outside and places a pouch of silver on top of them to pay the delivery man. She head back into the house and begins cleaning up the mess she had left. For hours she scraped rotten food and concoctions from plates and pots. The clatter of the ceramics against the metal pots rang through the house as she washed away what was left of her mental weakness. 

Once the house was cleared of the mess she turned to the wooden box and pouch the woman gave her. She moved to them and picked them up. She moved to her bedroom and slide the wooden box beneath her bed. She placed her cheek against the wooden floor and stared at the box for a long time, as if it would disappear. "I hope this w-works." she says as she finally stands up. The pouch dangled from her hand as she moved to the bathroom. She leans over the bathtub and turns the hot water on fully. Steam begins to the fill the small room and Jataral peels the cloths from her body. She moves to the mirror and stares at her own reflection. She closes her eyes for a moment and visions of herself as a small child come into her memory.

She thought of the doll her mother had given her when she was only four years of age. The beautiful dress, shoes, and hair that made her look like princess. Her mother had given it to her to keep her company at night when she left for work. She had sprayed her perfume on it so that little Jataral could sleep with the scent of her. Jataral could almost remember the smell of lavender and mint, though she knew it was just a ghost of a memory. Something she had told herself over and over again so she would not forget. It had been almost a century since her mother had died and what little she remembered of her was hazy. What she did know was that the woman that gave birth to her would not want her to be as she is. That what she had allowed herself to be turned into would bring nothing but sadness to her. As she opened her eyes to rid herself of the memory for a brief moment she saw the innocent face and eyes of her younger self. After a moment they shifted before her and she was staring at her true eyes, filled with pain, confusion, and self doubt. 

She turned back back to the bath and turned the water off. She reached into the pouch in her hand and pulled out on large orb. It shimmered and glowed in her hand as she stared at it. She hesitated for a moment, unsure if she wished to use the magic contained within the orb. She shook her head and gritted her teeth before she dropped the orb into the steaming water. 

As the orb broke though the surface of the water it hissed and bubbled. The water began the swirl and change colors as the orb broke apart. She then picked up a small bag of herbs and dumped them in the water. As the herbs mixed with the magic in the water the steam began to smell of apples and lavender, pulling forth memories from her mind. She slowly eases her bare legs into the water and lets out a small hiss as the hot water licks at her flesh. She slowly lowers herself into the water and allows the combination of herbs and magic to restore her and pull the tension away from her. She closes her eyes and relaxes into the water, a calm feeling washes over her more pure than she had felt in years caused her to let out a soft moan. Her limbs go lax and her eyes grow glassy as she stares at he ceiling. The water shimmers around her and she slowly falls into a drug like induced stupor, her eyes closing as she allows herself to be lulled into nothingness. 

Hours later she woke in the tub and she blinks as she tries to remember where she was. She climbed out of the tub and looked down at the water. She pulled the plug free to make the evidence of what she had done disappear. She closed her eyes and thought of her past, waiting for the emotions to flood over her again...Nothing. Nothing came. It had worked for now. It had blocked what was there and would give her time to think. Time to deal. 

She quickly grabbed two tarts and ate them before going to her room. She pulled the wooden box out from under the bed and opened it reverently, her fingers skimming across the 25 glass vials. She pulled one free and tipped it up, drinking all the contents. She closed the box and slid it back under the bed after replacing the vial. She curled up on the bed and pulled her knees to her chest. "A night free from myself. A night of peace and calm. I just need time to learn and to figure myself out. Just give me some time." she mumbled as she fell asleep.

The bundle moves as she brings her legs up to her chest, making herself smaller of the floor of the house she was crashing at. “What have I done? What have I done?” she ponders as the flickering of firelight casts shadows across her face. Her right hand slides out from beneath the covering and wraps around the three lined rune on her neck, a feeling of isolation washes over her as she thinks, “I am trapped. I can’t leave. I have no one here. I am alone again.” Slender fingers press into the flesh of her neck as if that would remove the mark that was there. Slowly the lids of her eyes close to block out the light as her hands move to raise the blanket over her head like a protective cocoon.

“My choice. It was mine. It will be ok. I am ok. This will all work out.” she says quietly, as if saying the words out loud would make them true. “They have been nice to me. These are the types of people I belong with. I will be able to hide here….in the open. They don’t seem like the type to ask a lot of questions.” She lowers her arms to wrap around her knees, attempting to reassure herself that everything is ok. Soft lips part to expel a small yawn as her hand rises to cover her mouth before reaching up to rub at her eyes.  Sleep heavy eyes lull for a moment before they slide closed once more, her right hand moving to her mouth. Her fist rests there for a moment before her thumb stretches out and slides into her mouth.  “I can weather the storm. I can find the right mask. This will pass and I will become a member of a pack…family.” are the last thoughts that pass through her mind before darkness fills her mind.

“Jataral’s vision is foggy as she opens her eyes, disorientation and confusion wash over her as she looks around. Two small smooth hands reach up to rub at her eyes and she stops abruptly. “These are not my hands.” She thinks as she turns them to look the palms better. She runs the index finger of her right hand along a deep cut in her left palm and a smile tugs at the corners of her lips as she remembers when and how she got the cut. “Father.” She breathes as she begins looking around for him. Her eyes pass over row after row of apple trees, but no man was in sight.

Crestfallen, she looks down at the ground to find that her feet are covered in mud and her knees are skinned. A brow lofts as she realizes what is happening…or more like when is happening. Her eyes light up and she begins to hop from one foot to the other. “May May and Pop.” she says softly as she claps her hands before her like a small child. This would look normal, but she was no longer a small child. Jataral feels her heart expanding at the thought of seeing her parents again and her toes dig into the earth as she begins to spring through the rows of apple trees towards the farm house in the distance.

With each stride she takes the feeling her chest grows till she brings her hand up to hold her chest, as if she could keep her heart from bursting out of her. The red and green of the trees bounty streaks past her in a blur as she presses on, her only thought is, “I need to get to them.” As she approaches the end of the orchard she had played in for years, she skids through the dirt to make a hard right, leans forward and drags her hand across the earth to steer herself to what was once her home. She dug in once more and sprinted to the door of the two story farm house. She lifted her right hand to knock and froze. “Do I knock or go in?” she wondered as she stared at the familiar wooded door.

She gulps as she lowers her hand and continues to stare at the door, fear gripping her as she realizes this can’t be in there. “They are dead and gone. This can’t be real.” She thinks as she laces her fingers together and turns from the door. “I can’t go in there and see our home empty again.” Her lower lip begins to tremble and she lowers her head, a long braid of golden blonde hair spilling over her shoulder. Her eyes dart to the hair and she furrows her brow in confusion. Reaching up she runs her hands along the tightly woven braid of hair. “I haven’t had hair this color in decades.” She ponders.

As she stands thin confused by the situation a creak rings out from behind her as the door opens. “What in the Light are you doing?” a warm feminine voice says from behind her. Jataral goes completely still and all the air in her leaves her as she turns white as a ghost.

“May May?” she breathes as she feels a hand placed on shoulder.

“Of course my girl, who else would it be?” the woman asks as she squeezes Jataral’s shoulder reassuringly.

Jataral slowly turns her head to peer nervously over her shoulder to be welcomed by the warm brown eyes and thick auburn hair of her mom. Without thought or warning she turns around to wrap her arms around the waist of her mom, Stephanie. She presses her face into her mother and inhales deeply the scent of her. As she tightens her grip on the woman tears begin to spring from her eyes and moisten her mom’s apron. Stephanie reaches out, placing both her hands on jataral’s shoulders to push her back so she can look at her. Concern washes over Stephanie’s features as she spots the tears, “Blossom, what is wrong? Why are you crying?” she asks as reaches up to wipe tears from Jataral’s cheeks.

Jataral looks and her lower lip quivers as she stares at the woman that she had watched die years before.  “This can’t be.” She thinks before she says, “I just missed you so much.” She then presses herself back into her mom’s embrace. The joy and panic grips her so violently at that she begins to gasping for air.

Stephanie tightened her arms around Jataral’s small form as she patted her back comfortingly. “Child, what has gotten into you. You just left a moment ago to collect apples. It is sweet that you missed me, but this is a bit much.” She says, her words dripping with concern.  Her eyes narrow and she looks down at her daughter and asks, “Did those boys come back?”

Jataral shakes her head in the negative as she continues to cry, unable to form words or even let go of the woman she loved more than herself. Fear forced her to keep ahold of the woman, as if she would disappear if she let go. Left alone all over again to grieve for her. Jataral felt her mom’s hands pushing on her shoulders and she knew she should back away to face her, but every ounce of her screamed to hold on.

“Honey, let go and talk to me. I am sure we can figure this out.” Stephanie cooed to her as she continued to try and pry Jataral off of her. “It can’t be that bad.”

Jataral finally let go and allowed herself to be guided backwards. As she looked up at her mother her eyes widen at what she sees. Her mother’s face is grotesquely white and covered in blood. “No no no.” Jataral stammers as she takes a step back from the woman. She looks down and to her dismay her hands are gripping scalpels and covered in blood. She takes several steps back and drops the tools to the ground. No sound rings out as the metal hit the ground and when she looks up her mom’s human features had returned to how they normally were.

Stephanie’s eyes narrow as she scrutinizes her daughters behavior. She slowly places her fists on her hips and begins tapping her foot. “Did you find some thistle? I told you not to touch that stuff. We went over the herbs you can eat and the ones you can’t.” She purses her lips and glares at Jataral for a long time as watches her daughter shift nervously before her. “And when did you get so nervous. You are not usually this…this…twitchy, child.”

Jataral shakes her head as if trying to clear her mind and chews her lip. “No, yes….I mean I don’t know.” She says as she lifts her hands to her face to hide the fear and anguish that was ripping through her. “This can’t be real. This can’t be real.” She thinks as she digs her nails into her forehead.

Stephanie moves closer to her daughter once more and places her hands on her shoulders and squeezes them a little to firmly as she leans forward to rest right next to her ear. Jataral readies herself for the kind words her mother had always spoken to her in that warm rich voice of hers. Instead she is accosted by an eerie hollow version of her mom’s voice as she said, “It is real and it is all your fault. We are gone because of you. If it wasn’t for you we would have lived.”

Jataral jerks back to look at her mom, only to be greeted by decaying image of what was once her mom. Her mouth falls open and she lifts her hands to protect herself. “I didn’t mean to….I couldn’t….I should have…” she stammers as she tries to get away from the rotten hands that gripped her tightly.

Her mom’s rough hands slide up her shoulder’s to rest around her neck and she sneers at Jataral, “Now you will join us. You will be one with the earth and food for the worms.” Stephanie’s hands tighten around Jataral’s neck and begin squeezing all the air out of her. Jataral reaches up and claws at her mom’s hands, chunks of decaying flesh peeling free from her hands.

“Please. Don’t.” Jataral gasps as the grotesque memory of her mom continues to choke her. “All….My….Fault.” she continues to gasp as her hands finally fall freely to her side in resignation. “This is what I deserve.” She thinks before the ghost of her mother lets go of her and smiles at her. Stephanie pulls out a scalpel and shows it to Jataral before her hand lashes forward to….”