i have thought a lot about censorship and what isĀ āappropriateā. not a lot of people know this, but lolitaĀ was written to show what we allow on our bookshelves: there being no swear words in it meant it was free from censorship. a book about child molestation was allowed because it didnāt explicitly use the wordĀ āfuckā. he wrote it to show we donāt really care about protecting children, and it ended up being seen as a romance.
someone once told me - actually, many people have - that lgbt content isnāt appropriate for children. any content. not just kissing. iām drowned in questions:Ā āwonāt the parents have to explain it?āĀ ākids shouldnāt be thinking about sex at this age, or do you think differently?āĀ āwhat will the kids think?ā
at six i saw disney movies. people kiss and get married. i didnāt askĀ āwhat does that mean.ā i didnāt askĀ āare those people going to have sex?ā i didnāt ask anything, because i was six, and no six year old thinks twice about these things. nobody everĀ āexplainedā being straight to me, it was a fact, and it existed, and i was fine with that. why would being gay require a thesis, i wonder.
someone once told me that the one of the reasons people hate lgbt individuals is because they canāt see us as anything but sexual. weāre not people, so much as sinners. that they donāt see love, they see sex. just sex. itās perversion, not a matter of the heart. only of the body.
i think i was in my early twenties before i saw someone like me.Ā
how old were you, though, before you saw violence? before you saw sexual assault on tv? i think something like that is only pg-13, and if itās implied, they can get away with anything. i remember watching things and learning about blood, but knowing sex - sex was what was reallyĀ wrong. sex was always rated r. sex was always kind of a bad word. i was told a lot that i wasnāt ready.
i had a dream last night that i made a site where people could ask any question they wanted about sex and get answered by a professional. it was shut down in moments because 15 year olds wanted to know if it should hurt, ifĀ ādouble-baggingā was a real thing, if this, if that. we shudder. donāt let the childrenĀ know about that!Ā
but at thirteen i had seen enough violence it no longer struck me. i couldnāt sayĀ āfuckā but i knew that if you break your femur, you can bleed out internally in under half an hour. in school i wasnāt allowed to write about loving girls because what would the administration think - but i could write about wanting to kill myself and people would say how lovely, how blistering.
i have thought a lot about censorship. sometimes people on this site try it with me: donāt write this, donāt be so nasty. some of it is intrinsic. we know as people with a uterus not to complain aboutĀ āthat time of the monthā, we know better than to talk about sexual assault (how shameful), we know that talking about a vagina is somehow scandalous. i can sayĀ ādickā and nobody questions me. some people only refer to the bottom half of me byĀ āpussyā. they wonāt wrap a mouth aroundĀ āvaginaā like itās poison to them. even discussing this, that the language halts, that thereās an intrinsic desire to sayĀ āgirlsā instead ofĀ āwomenā - feels naughty, illicit. not for children.
the other day someone suggested i make my blog 18+. i said, okay, it deals a lot with depression and other problems that might be for a mature audience. oh no,Ā they said, thatās not it, i think thatās helpful.Ā i said, okay. so what is it then. well, youāre gay. you write about loving women. and i said, i donāt write about sex often and they said. itās not about the sex. but wlw isnāt for a general audience. teenagers arenāt ready.
lolitaĀ is recommended for high school and up. i think about that a lot. i know girls who love it, who say it speaks to them on a deep level. itās beautiful prose, after all. that was the whole point of the novel. something that looked like a rose but was intrinsically awful. i think about how if i was a model theyād want me to look young, thin, prepubescent. how my body would be sold and how through the mall i walk by images of barely-clothed women while mothers cannot breastfeed in public without fear of retribution.Ā
i think about how i can write a novel about violence and it will be pg-13 but if my characters sayĀ āfuckā twice itās inappropriate. i said fuck three times so far in this post, which makes it only appropriate for adults.Ā
i think about that, and how my identity is something that people suggest lines up with a swear word. that people shouldnāt talk about it. that itās a vulgarity. bad for children, harsh, confusing.
fuck. i love women. which one makes this only for those over eighteen.
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