okay but what if we made them WORSE

hes traumatized miserable older and sexy i’ve GOT to fuck him

My mistress is a bumbling idiot. She’s been seeing a suitor who intends to buy her hand in marriage from her father, but she’s told me quite clearly that she doesn’t think this man is right. As her devoted maid, I cannot let her be wed off to some scoundrel like him. But all my efforts to save her from him have been foiled by her clumsiness. When I brought the tray to them with the poisoned teacup closer to him, in a breach of etiquette she reached for the far teacup and took the poison for herself. When I poisoned his wine, her ring got caught on the tablecloth and knocked over his glass. When I set up the armoire to fall and crush him, she tripped on the rug and made it go off too early. Once I even rigged one of the chandeliers to fall on his spot, and right before it did she violated table manners, got up, grabbed his wrist, and dragged him to the window because she “thought she saw a stag outside.” A stag?! There weren’t even any woods visible from that window! And after all these foiled attempts she has the audacity to complain to me that marrying this man will ruin her life. As if seeing her with any man wouldn’t ruin mine!

My head maid is adorable, and I am in love with her. She’s served me for many years at this point and, although I wouldn’t admit this to my peers, she is my closest companion. Yet here I am enduring courtship for an arranged marriage to a man I despise. My darling maid is so hopelessly devoted to me, that she keeps setting up “accidents” to kill my fiancé. Every time one of these accidents is about to occur, I cannot help myself, I have to ruin her plans. When I grabbed the wrong teacup, I felt the warmth of her hand brushing against mine as she took it from me before lying that she spotted a fly in it. When I spilled the wine on myself she whisked me away to my chambers and gently removed my stained garments. When I tripped on the rug she took my hand in hers as she helped me to my feet. Seeing her go to greater and greater lengths with her assassination plots just to protect me, and then getting her to care for me in the aftermath of their failure, I cannot resist. One time she cooked up a scheme to “accidentally” treat his laundry in such a way to make it extra flammable, and then she altered the buttons and buckles to be very hard to remove once fastened, it was such an innovative attempt, but I still couldn’t stop myself from happening to sneeze at just the right moment to blow out the candles she set up. After that she claimed I must be sick, made me stay in bed in my chambers away from my fiancé, and pampered me tending to my every need for a whole week! I truly don’t wish to marry this man, but you have to understand. The thing I need most is to push her to her limits, make her show the deepest depths of her devotions, and let her show me just how far she’ll go to keep me for herself… I really did see a stag though!