whatever

“I’ll go first,” I’d say.

Voices are coming back.

Voices are coming back.

I stand there, like watching a giant wave climbing the sky. I just stand there, with terror, with no way to stop it, and wait for it to devour me.

Someone just told me they love me, and all I feel is this emptiness and the urge to run away. I feel so heavy.

Why?

I thought I’d be happy because being loved is all I ever wanted. What happened?

Do I have no ability to feel anymore?

This disgusted scar that I want to rip from my chest…

This is why I don’t deserve this. I destroy every good thing I have.

The stares I gave you… I have no right.

The longing of your warmth… it will never be mine.

It is merely a dream, and yet every time I see you, I cannot see the lines between that and reality.

Why is that I feel like I need to love someone to stay alive?

Just love these conversations, the soft silence, the chaotic laughs, and the lingering stares. It’s gentle. It’s not fire and heat. It’s that tenderness even when I’m in tears.

I understand that for some people this is just what they do for friends. To care for them. I understand that. If I have to be a friend, let it be. This gentleness I will cherish. If that’s all I could have…

If he only is a friend and yet still makes my heart clench… at least I am friend. At least…

I know, I can’t be loved more than friends because that just never happened to me. It’s not a thing for me to have.