i’ve had a series of thoughts lately that i find all connect, though i’m not entirely sure how to articulate them in an organized matter. i’ll continue regardless..
im often distressed and confused by the feeling that my friends hardly know a thing about me. there are many ways i’ve been advised to or have considered approaching this. the first is to believe that they simply don’t care. i thought this for a long time, but as i get older it feels shallow and one dimensional in a way that doesn’t make sense. the people around me think of me in subtle ways, ways i don’t really understand but ways nonetheless. for example, my roommates offer to go to the grocery store together or have meals. my friends from high school send me videos, reels, things like that and they do so intentionally. i worry i come off a bit rude to discount these things but i don’t find them inadequate as acts. what i dislike and am perpetually confused by is there continuation. had we known each other for a month, even a year, these simple things would be more than satisfactory, but for most of the people that come to mind its been at least two. i don’t believe connection, deep connection, by my definition of friendship is that simple. i try often to alter this, to ask questions and deepen what exists. i’m always so curious about others in a way i have never once seen reciprocated genuinely, with no other motive. i don’t mean i am the ideal, not by far, but to me being curious about who a person really is is so easy and natural. yet, it seems many don’t have answers to my questions. they either brush it off, reply with a short answer, or confess never having thought about the topic before. they call me the only person they can have these conversations with, said conversations including their first thoughts and having little to do with me at all. and, once again i am unknown. this inevitably leads to a false sense of closeness on their part.. claiming we’re best friends and asserting confidently that we will remain that way forever. i feel a bit nauseous when i agree though disagreeing openly feels rude. still, it makes me angry. in my imagination i’d yell maybe ask who they think they are and never speak to them again.
this brings me to my second approach. rather that believing its a lack of care, perhaps people typically lack the consideration or depth to create what i hope for. maybe to them, the acts i call simple are incredibly meaningful. in this case, i first wonder why then am i valued so highly and considered such a close friend for the way i interact with people and why too is that not an example that something more is possible. then, i think that perhaps there is a gap between the depth people can witness and enjoy in theory and how they operate. that’s a bit vague. let me illustrate my point more clearly. recently, one of my friends sent me a video of two characters from a show we like, the type of characters deemed doomed lovers. i told her that i would love to experience something like that even once just to understand that depth of feeling. she said it could be us but she didn’t want there to be pain and i replied saying connections like that weren’t declarable and true depth involves devastation of some measure. she said then that she agreed. though there is nothing inherently wrong with this by any means, it made me think a lot of characters that go to extreme lengths for each other and why i’d felt that i couldn’t name a person i’d do something like that for. i’ve settled on believing it has something to do with a general lack of conviction present in a lot of people. what i mean is that i believe heavy social media use has created such rigid standards of acceptability. it forces people to think and act only along thin lines or be publicly shamed. i’ve felt myself nearly fall into that line of thinking too. i notice though that its evident when people box themselves in like that. they become confusing, unclear, and void of much creativity or unique presence. as a result, of course their responses or ideas are preformed and shallow because of fear and the ease and speed with which ideas can be consumed and taken on. for that, i would never follow anyone, but if i were truly fascinated by someone i would undoubtedly. i digress, i’m beginning to believe this is the likely case, and i shouldn’t be so harsh. its a really complex and annoying feeling though. i would give anything to hold a conversation with someone where i could learn as well and explore something i’d never considered about my ideas. i’ve always especially loved the thought of being called out for my way of thinking, or opposed in some manner. its strange though, sometimes i feel like theres an ongoing broadcast being explained to everyone but me and i live alone in a world of supernatural beings. i feel often that i’m missing something small that everyone understands and i never will.
i’m always told to just offer more information about myself, but i refuse. i shouldn’t have to make it easy for my life and ideas to be consumed from afar. i don’t want anyone close to me to know what they weren’t curious enough to ask. i don’t hide myself or my interests. in fact, i feel i display everything i care about in subtle ways, and i won’t do more. this is why i think i find my most meaningful connections with strangers and the random far reaching conversations i have once only to never exist again. i wonder sometimes if thats my curse, but they say all beauty is fleeting. i never know where explaining these thoughts leads me as i don’t believe this is something i’m capable of solving by thinking hard enough. in that sense, it feels a bit pathetic… (^^, that being said, i want to live to see the day i’m truly known and i can truly understand someone else. that motivates me much more than it should.
