christine e. middleton

“Silence becomes cowardice when occasion demands speaking out the whole truth and acting accordingly.” 

“Until you can alleviate your own suffering, you will continue to inflict suffering - not only on yourself, but also on those around you.”

-- Elizabeth Gilbert

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Emotional Intelligence (EI), also referred to these days as Mindfulness, is the great equalizer in life and leadership.

Get to know thy self is great advice -- good and bad. Learning to see we are more than our feelings and reactions. We are more than what we do as a job or what we possess. We are that part of ourselves that observes, “I shouldn’t have said that” or “Wow! I’m proud of myself for trying that” rather than the gossiper who is easily sucked in as a way of feeling connected to others.

We all have blind spots. We all are exposed to and have ingrained in us some bad habits handed down through our family generations be it negative thinking, belief there is not enough, judgment, anger or control issues, and so on. 

It’s important to understand what those are. It’s also important to know what we’re good at, likes and also what doesn’t work for us. Though those closest to us can help provide some insight, this information comes from within.

So what? Who cares? Why does this matter?

Egos without a checks and balances (of EI or mindfulness) destroys what it hopes to create. Partnerships, businesses, relationships, friendships, families.  

Not going to happen if your motivations, weaknesses, core beliefs driving your behavior are responding and pointing us towards a reality in a different direction. 

How do we know? 

Look around you. One good indicator: Do you have people telling you what you want to hear or need to hear? 

If not put in check, an ego goes into overdrive to make excuses, build walls and justify our behavior that try to cover or over compensate for what we fear. We blame others for the devastation or fall out of a given situation rather look at how we may have started the rip tide.

I witness up close how many successful business leaders have used their ego to achieve what they thought they couldn’t only to have their ego stand in the way of future growth and success (which eats away at happiness, energy, and everyday contentment).

Very few of us have been taught how to confront situations and people that hurt our feelings or to communicate when boundaries have been crossed. Instead, we pull back, stuff those feelings for another day. Unfortunately, one of the outcomes is we create a reservoir of resentment, frustration, and fear, which comes out there’s a ‘next time’ and usually does so in destructive ways. 

“The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.

Charles Du Bos, writer and critic

Transformation is painful, but essential in life. Our egos resist -- as in it’s everyone else who needs to change. 

But we all need to change. It’s a part of life. And, change doesn’t happen first and then we let go. If only it were that easy!

Courage is required to let go and go into the great unknown. Only then does the future start to piece itself together. 

Answers and guarantees are not part of the process. Those still willing to venture forward, endure the “discomfort” of growth and change =  separate themselves from everyone else. 

“The best way to destroy an enemy is to make him a friend.”

“If you don't like change, you are going to like irrelevance even less.”

-- Eric Shinseki, military leader and former Veterans Affairs Secretary; decorated with 3 Bronze Stars, 2 Purple Hearts and 4 Star General

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What captures my attention about Mr. Shinseki’s story is the chapter when he resigned from the Dept. of Veterans Affairs. Many may see this as a failure but I do not.

A lesson learned, absolutely. But not a time for Mr. Shinseki, or anyone in his position, to abandon their values and principles. 

You see, cultures reflect the people chosen to work within them (especially leadership), as well as how people are rewarded and recognized. This includes the unspoken rules at work.

They also reflect the interpretations of core values by leadership, which often unknowingly undermine the best of their intentions. (This point is often overlooked... and a topic unto itself)

So Mr. Shinseki stepped in to make changes relying on his guiding principle of honesty. But, changing a culture is tough and will not happen overnight. Asking people to trust -- to be honest when its a culture of mistrust -- is a dead end approach. They just won't. 

It’s a tough position to be in. 

If you fire everyone, you hurt the people you are trying to serve (in this case veterans) and make business as usual harder on those who stay. Moreover, quick hiring just to have warm bodies in jobs creates other types of damage. 

At the same time, firing and other drastic measures to reset norms can be effective attention grab to shake the norms.

People are at the heart of change and people resist what asks them to do different -- even when it benefits them.

This is true in life, business and leadership.

So, leading change in uncharted territory you know you can expect to encounter resistance. If trust is low, however, there’s a flexibility needed to bridge what has been to what needs to be. 

AND there’s a great probability that if you start the process you will be the one first to leave. It’s not reflective of you per se, but the larger body of dysfunction at work. 

When/if that happens, learn the lessons that are yours to learn BUT don’t change staying true to your guiding principles, especially if they are honesty.  

The life perspective that has forever changed my life, including my career:

BE FOREVER A STUDENT

It takes the pressure off having to have all answers even as the expert. 

It helps people want to work with you (versus a know-it-all). 

It makes for better listening, which is a foundational skill of a great leader.

And, as 18th Century scientist Georg Christoph Lichtenberg reminds us:

“We accumulate our opinions at an age when our understanding is at its weakest.”

“There are two ways of exerting one's strength: One is pushing down, the other is pulling up.”

“Life is not easy for any of us. But what of that? We must have perseverance and above all confidence in ourselves.”

“I have never felt that anything really mattered but the satisfaction of knowing that you stood for the things in which you believed, and had done the very best you could.”

Count your gains instead of your losses.

Count your joys instead of your woes.

Count your friends instead of your foes.

Count your smiles instead of your tears.

Count your courage instead of your fears.

Count your full times instead of your lean.

Count your kind deeds instead of your mean.

Count your health instead of your wealth.

Love your neighbor as much as yourself.”

“So many dreams at first seem impossible. And then they seem improbable. And then when we summon the will, they soon become inevitable.

“Concentrate all your thoughts upon the work at hand. The sun's rays do not burn until brought to a focus.”

“A person should set his goals as early as he can and devote all his energy and talent to getting there. With enough effort, he may achieve it. Or he may find something that is even more rewarding. But in the end, no matter what the outcome, he will know he has been alive.”

Paid to think. Novel concept.

That’s what I was always told my job, consulting, IS all about. Yet, experience after experience proved otherwise.

I’m not talking about clients who choose to go a different direct than I may advise. Heck, that’s their right. I’m talking about when working within organizations, even as a leader, how much what we all have to offer and how it is shut down and out.

Recently, I finished a two-year internal assignment in a consulting firm. My job was to open up the potential from the inside out -- its processes, technology and people -- and better align the firm to external opportunities. 

Mind you, I know change very well. I know it is resisted -- sometimes at all costs. But I have to say I was slightly stumped at one thing: 

It was a company full of doers versus thinkers. 

Not good! That meant there was so much potential that laid dormant.  

So I got to work.

I was passionate about unlocking all the potential staring with people, in addition to setting up systems and incentives that supported them.

However, in no time I got to see just how embedded behaviors were that hurt the business’ profitability potential. 

Most notably I observed the daily grind (performance/busyness) didn’t match output nor people’s potential. 

As I dug deeper I observed some people would grab assignments, do the parts they wanted on their own schedule, and complain about how busy they were (as in don’t dare give me more work) -- a norm that hinders growth and innovation. 

(Why do more when you can make what you’re doing look hard enough... and get promoted for it? For others, why do more when the wrong behaviors are being supported even if as a result of doing nothing about them?) 

I spent much of my time opening up access to information, giving permission and paving the way to push decision-making power down and throughout the company. Of course, changing the incentives was also a priority to recognize those stepping up. 

I also spent as much time as it took exampling what I meant. 

In this HBR piece, Let Your Workers Rebel, Francesca Gino sheds some light on what I was living day in and out:

“...organizations consciously or unconsciously urge employees to check a good chunk of their real selves at the door. Workers and their organizations both pay a price: decreased engagement, productivity, and innovation.”

I was trying to change several decades worth of behaviors. As a result, I wasn’t surprised there was resistance to change.

What surprised me is the resistance to change that benefitted and created opportunity for everyone. 

I would have expected staff members to run screaming down the halls that freedom was upon them to experiment with creativity, think out of the box, explore what was happening in the industry, network, and generally try new things... and get rewarded for it. 

Actually, most had a wait and see stance. I got that but I didn’t understand fleeing from it. And, those who resisted the most (albeit silently and passively_ were some of the organization’s most long-standing employees or favorites. 

Such shifts -- even ones to empower individuality as suggested in HBR -- while appreciated in concept, can actually:

Expose vulnerabilities -- as in I should probably know how to do this task, but don’t and am too afraid to ask for help or learn even though that new behavior is now being encouraged and rewarded.

Threaten goals and dreams -- if I think I’m in line for a promotion and deserve one and you then change the rules then you are making it harder for me and I’ll elect the old way of operating. 

Make big egos grow even bigger -- changing dynamics is threatening to people who are in charge of a lot or have social equity due to longevity on the job. If that is threatened in any way or a perceived loss of authority and power trouble is amiss. 

Can transform self confidence into self-righteousness destruction -- even though the mid-level staff didn’t have experience they needed to make certain decisions about proposals, budgets or how best to manage an account, they did so as a power grab to show they were important, able and next up for a promotion. This was prevalent while the new norms were being rolled out, as were classic cases of getting even when corrected down the line. 

Of course, not all was bad in my assignment. Much good was produced and many individuals (and definitely the new hires) did lean in, if not blossomed as professionals.  

One senior person shared with me they learned more in 18 months from our work together compared to their previous boss of 9 years. Flattering to no doubt, but what is more important in this feedback is that this person woke up, was learning on the job, passionate and re-engaged. 

But don’t take the compliment as proof. This person never was challenged or supported around new business and ended up bringing in almost $1M in new business.

How many of us can say we are given that much latitude to succeed/fail? 

How many of us are pushed to think differently and try something new? 

How many companies are really unlocking that type of potential?

My point?

The suggestions behind the HBR are not as easy to implement as they are to read, but they are important despite the resistance that can occur. 

My advice to tack on: 

Make sure your senior-most leader is on board 110% even steps out of the way if they are too embedded; moreover, is strong in terms of Emotional Intelligence, and savvy when it comes to Social Intelligence (in this case manipulation). 

The top dog should also have the ability to hold and manage against conflicting goals -- caring for people and doing what is right for the business (which, if you think about it, is also good for people long-term). 

Have a frank conversation with top leadership and managers to make sure they even want to co-lead and reinforce this charge. Give them an out (of the company) and if they elect to stay give specific expectations of behavior or consequences if not followed. People work according to how they are rewarded or punished. Both are important, as is consistency in managing.

Set up discernment systems for the leader and her/his managers to weed through the resistance that will come from those least expected (aka highest performers). Your highest performers may have the most to lose and is what makes change work all the more challenging to see through. Even when you do all you can to reassure them and carve out the future, some people get really stuck when change occurs. All sort of vulnerabilities take their grip so objectivity is important.  Also, figure out what you want employees to work out amongst themselves versus managers solving. It’s best for peers to work out their differences and how the new norms play out (within certain guidelines, of course). But what those guidelines are and when something should be escalated needs to be defined, not assumed. Consistency and empowering managers adequately is key.

Let go of anyone not on board ...as seen through their actions. Bad apples do spoil the bunch, and while people may agree to the change, watch how they act, what they focus on (vs. not), and their performance. If full of excuses all the time, let them go. If all talk and not following through, let them go. Keeping them reduces trust between co-workers and teaches others the behavior of lying and self-promotion without producing is accepted. 

“Gossip is born out of uncertainty. 

When we are uncertain, we are inclined to make assumptions. 

Why? Uncertainty creates a knowledge void that must be filled with actual, or in many cases artificial, information. 

The antidote, of course, is open and honest communication with your employees.”

This is according to HBR, “The Antidote to Office Gossip.”

As a leader, HBR’s advice to diminish gossip’s impact:

 “...eliminating knowledge voids, fostering feedback, encouraging relationships beyond coworker consideration, and modeling the conduct of mutual regard.”

My opinion?

This is important advice to follow, but easier said than done ...especially if the culture is built on cliques or has inconsistent implementation of rewards -- both the official kind (e.g., reviews, perks and bonuses) and “unofficial” kind managers typically give at their discretion. 

When managers, for instance, are allowed to reward their teams (and their behaviors) differently across the company, it causes sub-cultures within a company. The issue? Information sharing across the different sub-cultures creates a drama of its own, hence diminishing the positive effects one or several managers or the leader may be attempting to achieve.

As a result, I’d add to the HBR advice:

As a leader, talk to your managers about reinforcing key messages and information...  and NOT use the opportunity to bond with their team over the situation, which inadvertently causes manager or group loyalty -- an “us” versus “them” and not a company-wide team mentality.  In other words, encourage your managers to stay neutral but authentic, and share as much as possible.